God help me! I am a compulsive liar. I got married to my wife in June after being together for 4 years. We always lived together, since she was my roommate when I attended University (I am from a different country where living with a female roommate is common), and we fell in love. She was in the beginning of her twenties at the time, and I am 10 years older than her. I never thought of myself as being a liar, but deep down I knew, that I was trapped in my web of lies, and that it would take tremendous courage and effort to admit to all my lies, before I could ever truly feel free. Within the last 5 days, I have slowly had my eyes opened by my wife, because I was confronted with different things, and I have been disgusted, that I had to admit to her some of my deepest and nastiest secrets. Some of them extremely hurtful to her (I never cheated on her). I have been crying almost nonstop, and often in her presence. I am so so sorry, that I hurt her so bad. She is not giving me any reaction yet, but I cannot blame her for how she is behaving, even though I want her to have some kind of reaction. She is from a dysfunctional family, and was treated very harshly and cold by her mom when she was a child, which has given her low self-esteem, even though she is a gorgeous women and has everything going for her professionally. In many ways she is still a child seeking the love, affection, acceptance and approval, that she never got from her mom. When her mom was being neglectful, harsh and abusive towards her, her dad rarely spoke up or did anything about it, unless the abuse went out of control. Our marriage is also dysfunctional, since her mom is verbally abusive of her husband, and that has been passed onto her. She has come a long way, but she has told me, that she is ashamed of the way she talks to me on occasion, her bad temper, when she wears on my self-esteem by calling me stupid, makes me doubt myself, makes me immobile, and unable to make confident decisions. I can't stand to see how hurt she is, and I am so ashamed and sad and feel like I am in some kind of twilight zone absurdish hell. Among the lies I told her was I that had a master's degree, but I only have a BA (I told that to her family as well). I let her on to believe, that I was financially stable, but I owe 2000 dollars (used to be way more), and I have been spending money eating out behind her back (we are on a tight budget). I let her to believe, that before we met, when I was a salesman, that I had bought my own apartment, when in fact my Grandma had paid it for me. The way I am feeling right now, is that I just want to fly back home and forget about this whole marriage and get a divorce. I just don't feel I can treat her like this and then file for a divorce. I feel like I completely betrayed her, which I did. It has been one of the hardest things I ever had to pull off, to tell all my lies within 5 days, and repeatedly tell her I lied about something else during my confessions the next day. She has told her family, who is very upset. I have told her, that I have to own it, and whatever she decides about me, even if she decides to leave me and get a divorce, I have to suffer the consequences, but that is okay, because I can't live like this anymore. I have told her everything, but I don't feel free at all. I cannot bare to see her heart broken... I love her soooooo much! She is the most sensitive special being. My self-esteem has historically always been very low, but when I lie to myself and my surroundings, I feel a bit better, but I am still anxious 90 percent of the time. Other relationships I have had before my wife were short lived, and the one that lasted the longest, ended with me breaking up with her, because I did not believe in myself and thus the relationship. When I broke my ex-girlfriends heart, I could not bare to see her pain, so I unintentionally made it worse by making up and breaking up a couple of times before it really ended. She started using drugs, and got into some bad ****. I really broke her, and she has been extremely bitter and broken. I swore, that I would not do this to my current wife, and I would just have to believe more in myself and the relationship. It has been one hell of a bumpy ride, but when we are happy, when she smiles, when we enjoy each others company, there is nothing better. Sometimes I feel like I was put on this earth to love and care for the ones with low self-esteem, the really broken ones, until they get on their feet to discard me and cheat on me. I have always supported my wife, been on her side, protected her (except for my lies). Oh God I don't know what to do. She trusted me. I hope someone can give me advice, say something encouraging, because so far I have not seen or felt one oz. of freedom since my lies were revealed. HELP!
gotfoundout gotfoundout
36-40, M
Aug 30, 2014