Sad!

My story is long and horrible. and I am sure I will be judged for it. But here it is.
To start off I am not an sociopath, or out to harm people. I Have given people my last $20, been homeless, volunteered, have two beautiful children, and lived through two abusive marriages. I have an very interesting and turmoltous life, It all started with bad memories, and hushed stories Of my uncle ____. He was deceitful and manipulative, and ended up doing some very terrible things. And he got away with these terrible things, due to an very cunning lie. Now I barely knew him, besiides and when I did meet him, I though for sure I was staring down the face of pure evil. He conned my late grandmother out of her fortunes. and conned many a woman. I thought to myself I would have have anything in common with him. and Yet i do, unlike him though my lies were never meant to hurt, or meant to steal money. I never stole money, or stole money . Or even purposely to harm people. I lied a lot in high school, from everything from rape, to pregnancy, drugs, etc. I wanted attention and craved it fbadly due to having an sister that was very sick and who got all the attention in my family. and I didnt get enough. unless I did something bad. Lies became truth in my brain. and I had trouble discerning fact from fiction. Once I told an lie, it became easier and easier to believe. sometimes I didnt even have to try, I just believed it, even before I said it. I lied all the time, and no one found out, and I didnt do it for attention.. I sometimes didnt even know I lied until someone finally found me out and told me how that couldnt be true. I was convinced something was wrong, even so far as to see an shrink in high school, bc I truly belived the lies I told. dont know how or why. after high school, I stopped for a short while, and soon it became years of lies. I would tell small lies, that wouldnt help or even have a reason for it. And other times I told big lies, and the weird thing, is I couldnt stop it. I wanted to and I never purposely tried to hurt people by lying. I just couldnt stop. they would just come out, with out warnign , without planning. and most people could start to see through them. sometimes I didnt know I was lying, and I truly believed they were true. I feel out of control, sometimes I dont even think I have control over it at all. I say this, bc most of the tiem, i dont even know when I am doing it anymore. and the weird thing is the stuff I lie about arent even attention getting, so I know that I am not doing it for that, I almost feel it is subconscious. I am slowly losing my belief in reality. I believe the lies. I sometimes wonder if my brain has more of the white matter that causes an person to lie than normal people. I wish I could cut it out of my head most days. and this is my story. judge me if you will. but I know that I have to live with myself, and it isnt an easy thing to live with yourself for.
anonymous4599 anonymous4599
22-25
1 Response May 14, 2012

I no what u mean