Now I'm Tangled Up.

I remember that I've always lied. When I first started realizing that I'm a compulsive liar, I thought it started when I was 12 and experiencing sexual abuse. That's just when it got bad.
From the time I was 9 or 10, I'd lie about little things. Finding a really cool glitch in a video game, being related to someone, etcetera, etcetera. It was just little things then. Now, my entire life story is a lie.

I started lying about important things in 6th grade, I think. I made up a complicated life story-- that I lived in Rennes, France, Cham, Thailand, New York City, New York... That I had two half-siblings, even though my parents are still together and have each only been married once.

I would mention these things in passing-- make them moderate enough so that I wouldn't have to do much to prove it, or that there was no expectation on me to be able to speak French or know things about NYC. I still do. I'm trying to undo my lies-- but it just comes out as more lies.

It started to get really bad around 7th grade. In February, 2011, someone really close to me sexually abused me. It happened a number of times through the second semester of 7th grade and into that summer.

I lied during that time because it helped me imagine that the girl that was happening to wasn't actually me-- that I was someone else, that I could just work this into my web of lies somehow.

Well, now it's getting bad. People that I haven't lied to and people who only know my lies are starting to talk to each other. I feel like someday, one of them will say something and that'll be the end of it. I'll never have credibility again, none of them will ever trust me or be my friend.

The thing is, I've never done anything to hurt them. I've only lied to make myself seem more interesting, and later on, to help me deal with abuse. I've never lied to cover up something I'm responsible for. I don't manipulate people in the sense that the "dangerous" liars do-- I just do it because it's all part of the life I would rather be living.

I want to stop, I want to stop so badly. I joined this support group 10 minutes ago because I couldn't sleep. No part of me wants to keep lying, but I feel like I can't stop or everything will come apart.
Noironigiri Noironigiri
13-15, F
1 Response Aug 6, 2012

HUgs to you for coming clean here. It is a huge step to just articulate these things. I am so sad for the little girl who had to do anything she could to survive. And so respect the one that is trying to take responsibility for those coping mechanisms since she really does not need them anymore and wants to have something genuine.

Doesnt matter what age you are or how much you risk by coming clean. It all feels insurmountable.

Not to justify lying, but yours do come from such a clear event and survival mode to get through it. It seems like it was born out of survival and children/animals/true victims will hold onto whatever scraps to make it through. Right/wrong lie/truth does not seem to enter the picture. To use an extreme example, if you are starving, do you really think about the morality of theft before you steal nourishment? Again, not to justify, but I think many people will be far more generous than you give them credit for given the starting point. And the fact you have not hurt people. And the fact you just wanted love/acceptance/etc. ANd thought you were not worth it.

SO, maybe divide people up into categories like 1) key to your life (and perhaps have the investment to see through with you) 2) important relationships 3) acquaintances 4) everyone else (like who may hear or judge you based on what they hear).

Forget about 4). WHo cares. You just have to take a leap of faith. 3) probably does not matter as much and I would put at bottom of list. 1) and 2) I would prep that you are taking a big risk, but the relationships you will be left with will nourish you more and it will just get garder and more complex as you try to balance/remember all the lies with existing relationships. and feel like you have to keep them up with new ones so as not to jeoprodize the existing ones so that the latter does not find out. Expect some will leave, but many of those may be temporary and come back. Or at least start with that construct.

Of course, I cannot use any of this stuff on my own life yet. Just seems so much more simple, when you do not have 10+ year relationships and kids you want to protects, etc. It just gets harder. Rip off the bandaid and find some support. Here or hopefully with someone close who loves you and supports you through the confession and beyond.