Now I'm Tangled Up.I remember that I've always lied. When I first started realizing that I'm a compulsive liar, I thought it started when I was 12 and experiencing sexual abuse. That's just when it got bad.
From the time I was 9 or 10, I'd lie about little things. Finding a really cool glitch in a video game, being related to someone, etcetera, etcetera. It was just little things then. Now, my entire life story is a lie.
I started lying about important things in 6th grade, I think. I made up a complicated life story-- that I lived in Rennes, France, Cham, Thailand, New York City, New York... That I had two half-siblings, even though my parents are still together and have each only been married once.
I would mention these things in passing-- make them moderate enough so that I wouldn't have to do much to prove it, or that there was no expectation on me to be able to speak French or know things about NYC. I still do. I'm trying to undo my lies-- but it just comes out as more lies.
It started to get really bad around 7th grade. In February, 2011, someone really close to me sexually abused me. It happened a number of times through the second semester of 7th grade and into that summer.
I lied during that time because it helped me imagine that the girl that was happening to wasn't actually me-- that I was someone else, that I could just work this into my web of lies somehow.
Well, now it's getting bad. People that I haven't lied to and people who only know my lies are starting to talk to each other. I feel like someday, one of them will say something and that'll be the end of it. I'll never have credibility again, none of them will ever trust me or be my friend.
The thing is, I've never done anything to hurt them. I've only lied to make myself seem more interesting, and later on, to help me deal with abuse. I've never lied to cover up something I'm responsible for. I don't manipulate people in the sense that the "dangerous" liars do-- I just do it because it's all part of the life I would rather be living.
I want to stop, I want to stop so badly. I joined this support group 10 minutes ago because I couldn't sleep. No part of me wants to keep lying, but I feel like I can't stop or everything will come apart.