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Caught In A Web Of Lies, How Do I Get Out?

I have been a compulsive liar since I was about 16 years old. I think I started because I wanted to portray myself to others as someone who was good at everything ... who I was was simply not good enough for me. The funny thing is that I came from a good family, I received a good education, graduated from college, I'm handsome, and Im intelligent ... but none of that was good enough for me. I lied to friends about getting into Ivy League schools that I never got into, I lied about how rich my parents were, I lied about being a model, and I even lied to an internship I had about what grad schools I had gotten into. Just thinking about and listing out all these lies I told makes me feel like a shallow and conceited person ... I feel like such a jerk, deep down inside I know I am a kind and understanding person but I cant get out of my addiction to lying.

I am now at the point where my lies are at an all time high and my anxiety is out of control. 14 months ago I began a relationship with the most amazing man ... handsome, smart, kind ... he truly is the person I always dreamed of being with. But from the very beginning I started lying to him, I did it because I wanted to impress him and really wanted him to become my boyfriend. I lied about what college I went to, when I was going to class at my real college I would tell him that I was at another one. After I graduated undergrad I lied about getting into a grad school I never even got into. Now that I have applied to different schools I may have to move across the country in August and I cant imagine leaving my boyfriend behind. I told him that I only really got into schools in that state and that I would have to move there. He told me he didnt want to break up with me so he would consider moving there with me. But I still feel awful that I am essentially making someone move across the country with me after telling him all these lies. Whenever hes around my parents Im so anxious because Im afraid the truth will come out about my lies. I even lied to his family and lied to my friends so that he would believe everything I was telling him. Im afraid that my boyfriend will break up with me if I tell him the truth, and I think thats whats holding me back from ending these lies. Im also afraid that he will tell my friends that I was lying to them as well ... then I will be left with no friends and no boyfriend ... this is why I cant stop.

I have been in therapy for a while but I have not been able to stop the lying, Im just so addicted. I have struggled with depression and anxiety during my whole life, I attempted suicide twice. I really am curious about any advice, comments, or help that anyone on this site could provide me with.
stopthelies1 stopthelies1 22-25, M 3 Responses Mar 13, 2013

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Are you aware that cutting is linked to sexual abuse ?

Tell us about your family....mother, father, siblings .

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi-Polar Disorder Type I which definitely affected my family life. I had severe mood swings, I used to cut myself, I was committed to a psych ward 3 times because of my suicidality and was in a 28 day inpatient psych rehab program that did absolutely nothing for me. I think my psychological disorders took a very big toll on my family, they simply did not know how to help me or cope with me. I felt ashamed because my brother and sister (both younger) really did not want anything to do with me, I felt like the "problem child" and it was even more humiliating because I was the older sibling but acted like the younger one. When I tried to kill myself by overdosing about 5 years ago my sister told me that I was an embarrassment. My parents always threatened to call the police on me if I continued to cut myself ... indeed, they called the police on me three times and my sister called them once. It was a really traumatic experience and I always felt misunderstood and that no one could help me. My parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings even though I wasnt an alcoholic (I just smoked marijuana recreationally to help with my anxiety, which it did). I was abused by my grandfather when I was 7 (I was joking around one day and hid behind a tree in my backyard for about a half hour, he was drunk and went crazy because he thought I was missing so when I came home he kept throwing me against a wall and slapped me and told me to take my clothes off, when I told my parents they wouldnt let my grandfather visit our house anymore). I know that was a bit of a tangent but that was my relationship with my family for a while ...

Can I just say first of all BIG HUG. I feel your struggle. It's a struggle I heard countless times when I spent most of last year researching lying addiction.

I am glad you recognize it as an addiction though because I think that is the first step in moving towards getting recovery.

To help you get some clarity before you decide what your next step is, I suggest you read the following articles I wrote which will help you understand lying as an addiction and why you lie...

http://ezinearticles.com/?Lying-Is-An-Addiction,-Not-A-Moral-Issue&id=7465210

http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Lying-Addicts-Lie&id=7490866

I know you will get some direction once you have read both.

There is hope and there is help.

Billi Caine
http://www.billicaine.com