Hells Yeah, My Ep Friends'!!!!It is really bad! I finally vented on my need to control, just now, and how I do it. It drives me mad, because I don't think what I do is cool, but the CONTROl in what I do, is what I freak, over. I gave up, control, more often, with others' because then I do not have the take the fall-out or responsibility for their feelings/emotions or reactions to what I say, do, feel, think, whatever! I realized, I only have control of me, and my response to another, being careful not to react, so much, even so strongly, in front of them, at least, hold it, until a more private place, where I can regulate, in my own way...
I also need, permission and am always sorry, for even my breathe.
I feel like so angry at me, because while I intellectually can grasp why I feel or do something, I STILL have the NEED to FEEL it and sometimes, DO IT, even so...WHY? ANGER gets' so high, from this stupid way of having to FEEL even if I know why.
I WISH I could control my FEELINGS, so I could let them go, and not have to deal with them, the way it works for me (I.e. spinning, moving, slamming things' on the ground, making noise, even though, I know that if I can do this, in private, it is okay, and has a time and place......I would NOT do this in a class, or out in public, ever!)
I was talking to someone and finally let out, some ways' I do control, which are UNHEALTHY, ACTING like a two-year old, being PRIMAL> as all hell, and taking control, in the WRONG WAY, but I STILL DO, and am getting better at not doing it, but voicing the urge.
Here is a way, and now I am telling something, that does take control, to an unhealthy degree, but please, no harshness, I am working on it!
I hold my breathe. I get tired of breathing, and feel I don't deserve it, or that I need permission, to be allowed, and WANT control of my LIFE, so I DO It with my breathe, and it got really dangerous, so I HAD to STOP!
I realized how I can control my body, to the max....with my breathe and I don't think this is cool, but it was about control.
I held it, so often, practicing how long I could hold it, and by myself, where no one could see me, I managed to get to the point, where I could hold it, until I passed out, where, it would become auto-matic. It took a lot of practice and HUGE control, but was SO pathological and dangerous....dmam, I HAD to stop that one! Now, sometimes, I do it, auto-matically and need to remind me, to just breathe.
I get really angry at others', for not understanding really complex things, after reading them once, and I get angry, again, at me, for understanding, and having to struggle wihh very basic things', like remembering to eat, or leave energy and time to eat, or do the simple ADLS, which are very important and more about living.
To me, they are boring as hell, take to much time and enrgy and take the focus of what I would like to be doing.
Like I forget to eart, because I get involved in a good book, or something, more stimulating to me.
I also, don't have a lot of energy, right now, so I have to CHOOSE where to put it.
I ddi something, amazing tognihgt, and the person, got it!
PLUS, I remembered to eat, even though I my book, was much more interesting and my concenrtration is poor, but sometimes, I can get very engrossed!!
YAY! I remembered an ADL!