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Where Are All the Control Freaks?

I'm surprised there are only two people in this group.  This is the major issue I am dealing with in my life.  My relationships are suffering because I always think I know best.  I believe this really contributed to my divorce since my ex never felt like he was good enough for me.  My girlfriend now says the same things, so I'm pretty sure it's me and not them.  I don't mean to be critical and I really don't think I know everything, but when I am in the moment and have a different opinion about how things should be done I can't let it go.  My mother is the same way and it kills me to see myself acting like her but I am having such a hard time changing.  Ironically, I also obsess about what people think of me so I often only try to control people I am close to since I don't worry as much about them not liking me.  Really weird
jendd810 jendd810 26-30 9 Responses Jan 14, 2008

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I'm a total control freak. And yes I think a lot of people are control freaks just not this severe. It is definitely a problem in my life, not at work but at home in my personal relationships, because I always think I know whats best for everyone else. I tried to control my marriage which failed because my ex-husband was a control freak too. I control every situation in my house. I basically control my children's decisions. I always persuade them into agreeing with my opinion of what is best for them in their life. I have three children a 19 year old son, 14 year old son and a 9 year old daughter who have been victims of my controlling behavior. They know I will be upset if they make their own decisions, so they try to please me to keep the peace.Then I always blame myself for the outcome. In intimate relationships I feel that I am not good enough for anyone. I get really jealous in any relationship and try to control what they can and can't do. Who they can and can't see. I never say it straight out but my behavior and mood changes and they just know not to do it. Sometimes I don't feel good enough for anything therefore I feel I have to control everything and I feel that if the people I love slip out of my control then I will lose them. In reality I push them away with my controlling behaviors. I constantly obsess about what others think, I feel that I am responsible for others behaviors and feelings. I over think situations all the time. Like I should do this instead of that. Or I should have done this instead of that. I review situations in my head long after the situation has passed and should have been forgotten. I just want my brain to stop thinking sometimes. My current boyfriend is wonderful. He is sweet and understanding. He loves me so much. Yet I continue to make his life a living hell. Everything is wonderful when he is around me, but the minute he is out of site, I flip out. And God forbid he travel out of town on business because my brain goes wild thinking and assuming and imagining the worst scenario. The thing is, I know he loves me and is completely faithful yet, I also know my behavior is irrational and unwarranted but I think it has to do with me having low self esteem. The first step is admitting the problem but how to change it is another issue. It is so difficult to just let other people do things the way they want or the way they believe is best., and so difficult to just let go and trust.

Everybody controls to some extent or another. It's so hard for me to not want things done in a certain way by other people. My dad was super controlling and so I am. My dad couldn't stand it when we would wash the dishes not in the way that he taught us. Well, **********, do the dishes your damn self then. Yeah, I'm the same way now.



I realize it a lot of the time, but there is a lot of subtle things that happen, especially when relating to other people, not in doing things a certain way, but in how they respond to you and you don't like it. One of my big problems is how I deal with people online. I try to control too much and end up with things blowing up in my face and I melt down. Then I leave whatever online platform it was. Talk about stupid. Is this borderline personality disorder??

Well . One good thing came out of my tendenc yto be a control Freak. My daughter, Tory, wrote a song aptly named Control Freak taht has made me realize ther is really no such thing as CONTROL



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qr1t0DTXR9s

My boyfriend and i have been together over 2 years.



The first 6 months of our relationship he wasn't controlling. We split up for a month because i was becoming needy and i wanted to spend every minute with him so he kind of lost himself in the relationship.



Anyway we got back together, and we've always had an amazing relationship but slowly over time i noticed his controlling behaviour.



I changed myself without realising, i blamed myself for my unhappiness and thought i wasn't good enough for him, i'd re-think my decisions all the time so it'll suit him even when i weren't with him, i felt like i couldn't talk to him because he might critise me!



At the start of our relationship he said that the guys in his family never like to be wrong, and i did noticed when they agrue, neither of them will quit until they feel the other one is in the wrong, but i didn't think anything of it.



We had an agruement one day and he said "i refuse to be wrong" thats when i noticed that he never likes to be proven wrong, so then i noticed all the agruements we had where he refused to give in and say he was wrong.



Slowly it sunk in but it wasn't until last Sunday, that we both realised that he had been controlling me all this time.



Thing is he used to listen to my opinions, he never ever stop me seeing my friends or family, infact he encouraged me to see them and have a good time, he was always supportive of me, he used to have a "**** it" attitude but then it all changed since he quit his job and stopped going out as much, instead he buys beer from the shop and gets his mates around. He is 21 and lives with his parents, he's trying so hard to get a job so he can move out.



Atm he just sits in and play computer games. He gets depressed because he's in debt and can't take me out to the cinema. He's really worried about what people of think of him and hates being in crowded areas.



He used to say "where tight fitting tops and show of your amazing figure, girls would kill for your figure",

tbh i thought he's right so i did it!



He used to say "don't giggle and hide behind me in public because your not alittle girl, your 19" and

again i thought he's right, i shouldn't act like a little girl.



He always mentioned to me that he thought he looked skinny, yet he is medium build with big arms which confuses me still :S!



He said to me last sunday the thought that he had been hurting me all this time and making me believe i wasn't good enough is too much for him to bare. He was destroyed about it because he knew i was perfect, yet he was still making me change into something more and he couldn't understand why he was doing it.



He broke down into tears and realised he's a control freak, he said he really doesn't want to let me go and i don't want him to either, so we decided instead of making a drastic decision, he was going to give himself time to clear his head and figure out a solution.



I'm so scared we're going to break up, i told him i'll stand by him and help him if he needs it but until then i'm going to give him some space.



I didn't know what to do, i spent monday crying my heart out but i know he can change, he's got so much will power, i just need him to WANT to change or we can't be together.



I don't think control freaks should have to suffer and not being in a relationship because of the way they are.

I think if they find someone that truely loves them and will stand by them then they should WANT to change for the better right?



The question is how do you change?



I found this website & it gave me hope that my boyfriend can change but only if he's willing to...



http://www.marriagewalk.com/control.php





I'll come back and let you know if anything changes!

My boyfriend and i have been together over 2 years.



The first 6 months of our relationship he wasn't controlling. We split up for a month because i was becoming needy and i wanted to spend every minute with him so he kind of lost himself in the relationship.



Anyway we got back together, and we've always had an amazing relationship but slowly over time i noticed his controlling behaviour.



I changed myself without realising, i blamed myself for my unhappiness and thought i wasn't good enough for him, i'd re-think my decisions all the time so it'll suit him even when i weren't with him, i felt like i couldn't talk to him because he might critise me!



At the start of our relationship he said that the guys in his family never like to be wrong, and i did noticed when they agrue, neither of them will quit until they feel the other one is in the wrong, but i didn't think anything of it.



We had an agruement one day and he said "i refuse to be wrong" thats when i noticed that he never likes to be proven wrong, so then i noticed all the agruements we had where he refused to give in and say he was wrong.



Slowly it sunk in but it wasn't until last Sunday, that we both realised that he had been controlling me all this time.



Thing is he used to listen to my opinions, he never ever stop me seeing my friends or family, infact he encouraged me to see them and have a good time, he was always supportive of me, he used to have a "**** it" attitude but then it all changed since he quit his job and stopped going out as much, instead he buys beer from the shop and gets his mates around. He is 21 and lives with his parents, he's trying so hard to get a job so he can move out.



Atm he just sits in and play computer games. He gets depressed because he's in debt and can't take me out to the cinema. He's really worried about what people of think of him and hates being in crowded areas.



He used to say "where tight fitting tops and show of your amazing figure, girls would kill for your figure",

tbh i thought he's right so i did it!



He used to say "don't giggle and hide behind me in public because your not alittle girl, your 19" and

again i thought he's right, i shouldn't act like a little girl.



He always mentioned to me that he thought he looked skinny, yet he is medium build with big arms which confuses me still :S!



He said to me last sunday the thought that he had been hurting me all this time and making me believe i wasn't good enough is too much for him to bare. He was destroyed about it because he knew i was perfect, yet he was still making me change into something more and he couldn't understand why he was doing it.



He broke down into tears and realised he's a control freak, he said he really doesn't want to let me go and i don't want him to either, so we decided instead of making a drastic decision, he was going to give himself time to clear his head and figure out a solution.



I'm so scared we're going to break up, i told him i'll stand by him and help him if he needs it but until then i'm going to give him some space.



I didn't know what to do, i spent monday crying my heart out but i know he can change, he's got so much will power, i just need him to WANT to change or we can't be together.



I don't think control freaks should have to suffer and not being in a relationship because of the way they are.

I think if they find someone that truely loves them and will stand by them then they should WANT to change for the better right?



The question is how do you change?



I found this website & it gave me hope that my boyfriend can change but only if he's willing to...



http://www.marriagewalk.com/control.php





I'll come back and let you know if anything changes!

I know how you feel. I am a total control freak with many things. It all became much worse after I ended an abusive relationship. As my counselor has told me it is because since I was in a situation or relationship... that I could not control, I learn ways to control what I can. It interferes with work, my sot-so-social life and my personal life. I try to control my teenage boys too much, but my control issues have turned into serious OCD which is fun in a screwed up kind of way. Lol. I guess I really don't have advice for you since I can't fix my own control issues yet, but if you come up with anything, let me know! Ya know, if we found a way to use control to our advantage this could be a good thing!

i am not good enough for you is a typical control freak quote.



Control freak dont feel good enough for anything therefore they have to control anything they want, and they think that if the ones they love slip out of their control then it will loose it because it will realise that they are unworthy...



Control freaks are usally children of controlling parents, therefore t hey think the world is to the image of their family, filled with control freaks, and think they have to be one too to survive.



Since they have a bad (controlling) experience with the people who were supposed to love them (their parents), then they have associated display of affection with attempts to control, therefore they do not show affection to their partners because they dont want to "hurt them".



You dont sound that much like a control freak. Being stubborn about your opinion is not wrong, obsessing about what someone else thinks is not control freakism. Control freaks think they are RESPONSIBLE of what others think, and how they feel... like if he did this then its my fauld because i did that... should i do that maybe if i do then he will do this....


Its sort of playing with a puppet. A control freak being dumped by his girfriend will feel exactly this - he will cry because he feels like a child which has been brutally ******** of his favorite toy. And boy did i like that toy...


I think a lot of people are control freaks to some extent. Everyone has little control freakishness in them. But if it constantly destroys your life then i guess it is a problem...


Evebody has a weakness...

Why can't you just let other people do things the way they are doing it. Or, at least first ask what steps the person is taking in doing what they are doing.



My boyfriends control freakism usually starts off with "You know what?" and I know damn well that he wants to contribute a method for what I'm doing, yet he gets upset with me.



I think my low self esteem is why he's like this, or does this some times. It's really annoying?



In what way are you a control freak?



Points for you, at least you didn't say "I am a total control freak".

I understand what you are going through and yes it is a hard to let go. I am having a hard time with it also. I also try to want everyone to like me and why we should all be ourselfs and if like us great.