I Am a Control Freak
Looking back on many of my lifes events I understand that whilst people would not have called me a control freak or anything like that, I was subconsciously afraid of being out of control and so many of my moves in life had an element of scheming, planning and alingning as many variables to my advantage so I could keep control of things. This used to happen in relationships I would have because I felt desperately insecurewithin myself so I would try to be 'the best host' 'the best fun and desirable girlfriend' who had to look the best, have the most 'wild and satisfying' bedroom techniques etc but deep down I always had this looming sense of insecurity that I would be busted - I would be sussed out, I was never good enough so I would resort to sneaking and snooping on my boyfriends phone, trying to check up on his work nights out.
With other friends I would try to be the best listener, confide things and try to help them but join in with gossip about others with them thinking we would be united but really all that does is let them know you are not loyal and they dont trust you so they gossip about you behind their backs too. Then paranoia grips the friendships and you back away from everyone thinking there is no trust, loyalty or goodness found in anyone. I saw in everyone else what I didnt like about myself.
When I went through a very controlling relationship I came face to face with myself but everything was magnified. He used to check up on me all the time, ring me all the time, used to try all he could to emotionally sabatoge me going out with my friends by making me feel guilty. I would do everything possible to try show him I loved him and there was no need to feel threatened but my efforts just seemed to push me further and further into a corner until I became his 'slave' and prisoner, my personality had dissapeared in a bid to make him feel safe and to avoid having the blow ups of insecurity and arguments - I couldn't do with the drama so I used to walk on egg shells trying to keep him happy.
Its only with hindsight and understanding that I can see this was exactly how I had behaved with my previous boyfriends. I had wished so desperately to control their emotions and love me to stop them from hurting and rejecting me that I actually drove them away in the end.
A ver important lesson I learnt through getting my ex to rehab and AA was a very smart saying and prayer - 'Let Go and Let God' and also the Serenity Prayer. I learnt that we cant control and manipulate people into loving us, and the greater the act and change from our real self is the more distant unhappy and insecure we become. God taught me to let go in love. To let people be free, to have freedom, to fill them with confidence and compliments and to be self secure in ones self helping them reach their best potential is the single most important thing to do in being loved and adored.
Our souls sense insecuity, despise jealousy and snooping and spot a fake from a mile off so when we are so busy trying to be someone that we are not we actively push people away. Guys want a fun partner and someone who can turn themselves out smart but when we spend so much effort trying to be attractive we lose what it is to have substance, worth and self security from other habits, moral traits and hobbies. We become competitive with other girls/boys rather than seeing all their natural good traits and qualities and then we do terrible things to out do or betray each other. This leaves us very insecure as we cut our souls off from the natural connection with God which is the source of our happiness and security - we mourn that relationship when we start to do wrong or sin as it may be called religiously. Its is simply stepping away from our natural child like state of contentment, happyness with little, confidence just being us, loyalty and equality. The world and its influences like TV and idols turn us into monsters if we are not careful and we lose the essence of what makes us truly happy.
Only when I submitted to letting go of control, being sorry for my previous ways, learning to just do the right thing no matter what everyone else was doing around me. Being truthful, walking away from trouble and temptation and constantly trying to tame my tongue from being involved in lies, hurtful speach and things which bring about shallowness and vanity. God showed me how every time I took a chunk out of others I was harming myself and felt more guilty and insecure. Its not easy at first but you have to keep praying and asking for help and forgiveness but eventually new habits and new ways of thinking come about and you begin to be the real you living again as God intended with hobbies and habits which help you feel fulfilled and happy so your pot of love is full and you can give away compliements and helpful words to others instead of tearing them down. Then they start doing the same and insecurity and gossip starts to reduce and loyalty and real friendships start to increase.
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
With other friends I would try to be the best listener, confide things and try to help them but join in with gossip about others with them thinking we would be united but really all that does is let them know you are not loyal and they dont trust you so they gossip about you behind their backs too. Then paranoia grips the friendships and you back away from everyone thinking there is no trust, loyalty or goodness found in anyone. I saw in everyone else what I didnt like about myself.
When I went through a very controlling relationship I came face to face with myself but everything was magnified. He used to check up on me all the time, ring me all the time, used to try all he could to emotionally sabatoge me going out with my friends by making me feel guilty. I would do everything possible to try show him I loved him and there was no need to feel threatened but my efforts just seemed to push me further and further into a corner until I became his 'slave' and prisoner, my personality had dissapeared in a bid to make him feel safe and to avoid having the blow ups of insecurity and arguments - I couldn't do with the drama so I used to walk on egg shells trying to keep him happy.
Its only with hindsight and understanding that I can see this was exactly how I had behaved with my previous boyfriends. I had wished so desperately to control their emotions and love me to stop them from hurting and rejecting me that I actually drove them away in the end.
A ver important lesson I learnt through getting my ex to rehab and AA was a very smart saying and prayer - 'Let Go and Let God' and also the Serenity Prayer. I learnt that we cant control and manipulate people into loving us, and the greater the act and change from our real self is the more distant unhappy and insecure we become. God taught me to let go in love. To let people be free, to have freedom, to fill them with confidence and compliments and to be self secure in ones self helping them reach their best potential is the single most important thing to do in being loved and adored.
Our souls sense insecuity, despise jealousy and snooping and spot a fake from a mile off so when we are so busy trying to be someone that we are not we actively push people away. Guys want a fun partner and someone who can turn themselves out smart but when we spend so much effort trying to be attractive we lose what it is to have substance, worth and self security from other habits, moral traits and hobbies. We become competitive with other girls/boys rather than seeing all their natural good traits and qualities and then we do terrible things to out do or betray each other. This leaves us very insecure as we cut our souls off from the natural connection with God which is the source of our happiness and security - we mourn that relationship when we start to do wrong or sin as it may be called religiously. Its is simply stepping away from our natural child like state of contentment, happyness with little, confidence just being us, loyalty and equality. The world and its influences like TV and idols turn us into monsters if we are not careful and we lose the essence of what makes us truly happy.
Only when I submitted to letting go of control, being sorry for my previous ways, learning to just do the right thing no matter what everyone else was doing around me. Being truthful, walking away from trouble and temptation and constantly trying to tame my tongue from being involved in lies, hurtful speach and things which bring about shallowness and vanity. God showed me how every time I took a chunk out of others I was harming myself and felt more guilty and insecure. Its not easy at first but you have to keep praying and asking for help and forgiveness but eventually new habits and new ways of thinking come about and you begin to be the real you living again as God intended with hobbies and habits which help you feel fulfilled and happy so your pot of love is full and you can give away compliements and helpful words to others instead of tearing them down. Then they start doing the same and insecurity and gossip starts to reduce and loyalty and real friendships start to increase.
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
By:
igoodman38
Age:
31-35
