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Help Me....

Hello, I have been researching the internet for some advice or help to deal with my problem(s). I want help so I can live a healthy life with a significant other. A little about myself so maybe this all makes more sense. I am somewhat young in age, 30ish, and have lived to a certain degree a somewhat normal life. I'm sure everybody starts off by saying they had a rough up bring and I would definitely agree with that but am not using it as an excuse. I grew up in a home with 3 other siblings, a mom and step dad. I never met or knew my dad, which I always thought would bother me more but it rarely ever has. I'm sure i could go on forever about me but I'd much rather go onto the more pressing issue of why I've found this site and why I'm asking for help. So fast forward a couple decades and bring us to now.....

I will be the first to say I have found the absolute greatest woman to have ever set foot on this earth. I couldn't have asked for a better lover, partner, and best friend. Which this is what this writing is about, dealing with a serious problem. She is a hard working person, going to school AND work full-time. We also have somewhat conflicting schedules as she's going to work as i'm coming home from it. Most of the time missing eachother and having only a very short bye in the morning and a small amount of time very late at night. We do manage to have Sundays together but when you love someone as much as I feel I love her, its never enough. Well at times, since she gets off work really late, which is about the time I should be going to bed, she sometimes would rather spend time with friends and loosen down after work. I feel like since we don't see eachother thru out the day, that she should spend more time at home so we can see eachother. This is more of the recent problem but as our relationship has went on, and me being blind ot the fact, that I've had a lingering control problem. I've never even thought about it or even realized I was doing it until just more recently. I have probably pushed her away from being with friends and co-workers b/c I feel like we should have more time together. I've rececntly started doing more research about this and most of what people talk about sounds like a lot of me. I do get paranoid if she doesn't walk thru the door at approx times of leaving work. I NEVER thought i had any type of anxiety but as I think back, after learning more about it, I've dealt with it a lot and just didn't know it. I try to accuse my g/f of having an out of control drinking problem, which it is a problem but probably not to the extent I make it to be, I use this sometimes to try and convince her that she shouldn't be socializing as much b/c its just fueling this problem. She has recently vented to me that she has lost focus on who she is and was very content on who she was and that all I've been trying to do was change her and make her what I want her to be. I know I've been guilty of that at times, but never to the extent that was given to me. As I've read more and more about this, I've thought back and realized I've been guilty of this for ALONG time. I even feel like this went back to my youth living at home with my family. I feel like I needed to have things a certain way and that was the "right" way, not necessarily my way. As I grew older, i surrounded myself with a group of friends that always listened to what I had to say and was somewhat leadable.

I could go on and on about a lot of growing up but I'd rather concentrate on more recent issues so hopefully I can start going towards the right way in life. Well like I've always heard, "You didn't realize what you had, until it's gone" is basically where I'm at. After a recent disagreement, we have become more seperated in life and it was mostly caused by my problems of control, paranoia, and anxiety. I want advice on what I can do to help my control issues and some of the others. I know most people's answers are to go seek professional help but i'd really like to attempt to seek help thru conversation with others instead of spending lots of money, of which I don't have, to get help. I don't know if I've seeked help too late for my current relationship, which I pray Its not too late, but if this is true, I want help so I can have a healthy relationship one day. I care about people and especially the ones around me and I never want to push anybody away. I am so lost on what to do. I am usually tackful in the things I say but this time it won't work. I hope someone can bring more light to this issue and maybe provide some light on it. In the past few days, my anxiety has gotten to the point that it's very difficult to sleep. I hope I've offered enough insight to me so someone can shed some light on it.

 

PLEASE HELP...

a886933 a886933 26-30, M 2 Responses Mar 10, 2010

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Today is the day ,maybe the first day of my life i lost the best most loving person 8months ago i knew i was not very nice at times . i also know that deep down i only wish the best for those i love and care for . i was with my wife for 11 years and she tried over and over to help me but i never listened as i have a god almighty belief in me being right all the time . why at 42 years of age has the light of how i truly am hit me i don't know. it may be too late for me and my estranged wife i hope not . i need to change for me and for everyone around me .

Hey. I've never left a comment on any of these things before, but I read your story and I really sympathize with your situation. I am in a relationship with a guy that I love like no other. I've never quite felt this way about anyone before. And lately we've had so many issues that I can't even count them. I always feel like I'm being screwed over and that I want him to do things for me because I feel like I'm doing them for him all the time and it just never feels fair. I have been thinking for the past six months that he has a problem. Worst, I thought he had a control problem. My "evidence" of his "control issues" are that he says 'no' a lot, he has routines and ways of doing things that he's always done his whole life and doesn't want to change them, his lack of an adventurous spirit frustrates me because he always wants to play things safe and never really let go of his anal ways, and he is so comfortable in his life and with his stuff and his bed and his home that I have a hard time becoming a part of his life. I don't know what kind of symptoms these are... but they're definitely not control issues. They're just him being himself and having a personality that I don't seem to approve of, because when I went online to search about controlling personalities thinking I would see a picture of my boyfriend by the description, I was completely surprised and freaked out when I realized that it wasn't him... it was me. I'm the control freak. I'm the one that has a problem. I think that his ways are boring, unexciting, inappropriate, whatever. I'm the one that disapproves of the way he chooses to live his life. I am constantly asking him and trying to change him and I get so frustrated that I can't. I resort to insulting him and telling him he's a coward and inactive and I cry and feel terrible all the time. I push him to do things before he is ready, just because I feel he should be ready and he should want this and that. Sometimes he wants to spend time with his family and I want to spend time with him and I get jealous because I feel he's always with them and I've done so much to show him I want to be with him that I "deserve" his attention. I don't know. I'm completely full of **** though. He was perfectly content with his life and the way he did things until I came along. The thing is... he loves me and I somehow haven't managed to push him away entirely yet, but I'm just starting to realize that I have been the source of an enormous amount of stress in his life. I'm going to get help. I recommend that you do the same. Everything that I have read online has been warnings to other people about people like us. They tell people to stay away from people like us. To distance themselves from people like us. That we are going to suffocate them and that they're better off without us. I was hoping to find some sympathy or other explanation or some advice on how to deal with my problem, but instead all I found was advice for other people on how to deal with me. I don't feel like I'm a bad manipulative person. I am loving, and caring, and genuinely want what is best for those I love. But I do realize that when I cry and guilt trip my boyfriend into feeling like his way of living his life is selfish and hurting me, I'm manipulating him so that he can change and do what I ultimately want him to do. I don't want someone telling me that I'm a ****** person and that the only way to deal with me is to run away from me, so I'm going to stop reading this **** on the internet and find myself a psychologist that can seriously help me through this without judging me. I am glad that you are also a seemingly good, loving person that is struggling with this new found knowledge of themselves as well. I'm scared that this is some deeply rooted problem and that I will never let people be... but maybe I can learn to cope with this. I'm thinking the best thing I can do for my boyfriend is leave him. I know he wants to be with me and he loves me, but I am seriously creating problems and stress for him that he doesn't need. For the first time I am seeing that I have been the problem all along, and that maybe distancing myself from him would be the most selfless thing I can do. I don't know what your situation with your girlfriend is anymore... I see it's been a few months... but maybe if you're not together right now it's the best thing for her until you find a way to deal with your issues. I'm going to try to do the same. Good luck. It really does hurt to be the one that has a problem way more than being with someone you think has the problem...