Simply.

I have been trying to get to the root of my problems.

I think that a massive part of it is that I am just plain petrified. Below the apparent internal serenity, I am overwhelmed by everything, especially the future and the possibilities it holds. I do not feel I can cope, or that I can handle anything at all that falls outside of my routine.

This is, of course, nonsense. When a challenge presents itself, I have generally coped, and done better than that. I have been the reliable one, and a source of solidity to others in the storm. I rarely back down in the face of visible fear, if anything it is a challenge to be met.

And in my conscious, rational mind, I believe in myself, I believe in my knowledge, I believe in my know-how and I believe in the wisdom I have gathered over the years. I can centre myself rapidly and am rarely taken prisoner by my emotions for very long at all - knowing my centre has brought me great peace.

BUT

That deep seated fear has not budged. To date, attempts at facing fear have been like trimming weeds without removing the roots. It is good, and it has given me a stable and decent enough life to date. But it is a very incomplete life. The roots must be addressed. Because the fear has gotten very stealthy, and it has found very convincing rationalisations and it appears as "making a sensible life choice", to the point where it masks whatever my true desires might be.

The only way to get to it, I think, is to make it show itself. Provoke it into declaration of its existence and then wrestle it till it is defeated. I suspect it is like trying to take on an oiled python.

Still, it must be done. Too many basic, fundamental things are missing from my life - past, present... and I can not even conceive of the future.

This is nothing really. Most people just get over it and DO IT.

To be honest, this feels too private to post, especially as I no longer feel particularly anonymous on this site. Even if it seems like no big deal. Which, in all honesty, it isn't. But sometimes those are the worst things - the things that are genuinely trivial - to everyone but you.
TheTardyDodo TheTardyDodo
31-35, M
6 Responses Aug 14, 2007

I can relate to your experience a lot. i have always been scared of the outcome of mostly everything i do in my life. The urge to control every aspect of my life is overwhelming, because for me the risk of hurt is always imminent.<br />
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And, 4 years of therapy later, i also realize all of these fears are unfounded. <br />
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Fear of failing professionally, failing at college, failing when i graduate<br />
Fear of failing socially, that people will look at me as a looser, that i will have no value to others (especially girls)<br />
<br />
as to name some... but there's a unique place for the deepest, darkest monster that shows itself sometimes: Fear that i will always be confined within all my protective la<x>yers and therefore never be able to fulfill my dreams, and succeed at life, as a human being.<br />
<br />
I'm kind, i'm sociable, i can learn anything efortlessly, i can adapt, i can tolerate, i can think for myself, i'm creative from music to mathematical problems.<br />
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but i'm always scared.<br />
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people close to me just started realizing i have some kind of problem because i'm missing every class in college, i stopped hanging with my friends and i let my beard grow for about 2 months now... otherwise im the best actor in this part of town

Firewalking helped me a lot.It empowered me and helped me deal with fear...

Makes me want to cry, and i will, or i am, whichever...<br />
I know Fear well.<br />
I`m still struggling to find the words i want to use right now, and I think it`s because i`ve been tightly holding my self back from full self-ex<x>pression. that stuff can just about kill a person. <br />
I am glad you are out there. <br />
And I swear, one of these days I will offer something more helpful, then just a few quick noticings.<br />
I struggle with this fight everyday, that you are describing.<br />
With all the words i`ve written, counselors i`ve worked with, and determinations in wisdom, i still cant get over it already! Why can`t I just get on with living whatever life I want?<br />
I'm not sure why. I think it may have something to do with the fact that i haven't had my primal scream yet. my Kriya. or my huge f*cking Vesuvius freakout. that would be fun.<br />
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I don't know if anyone cant tell how scatterbrained i am. It`s my secret. shhhhh. don't tell.....

What yard doesn't have weeds? The grass is not always greener nor does it always have less weeds on the other side ... THIS I promise!<br />
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It seems as if it you are moving forward into the 'dreaded' future with not only good pace but good mindset.

Thank you! Oddly enough, that was exactly what I needed to hear. :)

I liked this! And to be honest, there's a bit of coward in ALL of us! It's just a matter of admitting it, and how we deal with it. Your determination gives us hope!