It Is Me Again...

sorry i haven't wrote any thing in quite a while...

so what's new? well i didn't get to go on that trip to jacksonville i was really looking forward too, but we are rescheduleing and are definatly going!

I have actually been in touch with an old friend i use to work with that lives in jacksonville, so maybe we will be able to stay with her and save some money.

she knows all about my crossdressing and still thinks i am a terrific person. :) which i totally am. lol

I got some new shoes! i was talking to amy one day and she told me about this fabulous pair of shoes at tjmax (pictured as my avatar) they are a tad small, but i chalk it up to the pain of being hot. lol the shoes not me.

me and amy took some new pictures a few weekends ago but they didn't really turn out so welll, my hair was a mess!!!

so... all the small talk aside

I was really bummed out today...

I woke up just feeling really down... i don't have a very good job (but i am blessed to have a job) i am getting over whelmed with school work,  I am alone again, and still very much in the closet with all of this crossdressing... even tho, pretty much everyone knows all about it.  -that is what happens when you confide in people that aren't very trust worthy. -ok ok i did have quite a bit about it on my myspace page for a little while... back when i was actually trying to embrace this side of me.

it seems that when ever i am in a relationship the feminine side of myself feels freer -that is after we have talked about the crossdressing and she is supportive of it- and when i am single, it all seems to get boxed up in my brain somewhere and the male side of me takes over...

i guess i can relate it to a survial mode, because i know what women are looking for so i try to portray that as best as i can.

when i would much rather just be frilly and more feminine. Inside i really know that if i am going to find that woman for all times and that woman that is truely attracted to who i am, then i am going to have to stop hiding. - i think i kinda lost myself there...

the point being- wouldn't it be better to be myself and be alone that be fake and have empty relationships or relationships that end in disaster because i wasn't open about who i am when we met...

but this fasade i wear is mostly out of habit... since i was young, i had to hide my 'frilly' side... the side that wants to wear panties instead of boxers -which i do, tho they have become just underwear to me, i still much prefer them than to some crappy ol boxers or breifs.

i want to wear heels, i want to wear tights and hose, and eye shadow and mascara...

i want to feel soft.... maybe i just want too much.

valdostavixen valdostavixen
31-35, T
4 Responses Mar 1, 2010

Thanks :)

Well said PHSensei!!!

You have to decide who you are, embrace that, tell those who don't accept it to screw off, and love yourself for who you are. To answer your question; yes you would be better of being true to you and being along rather that live a lie in a hollow relationship. Once you truly see this and embrace it, things will have an entirely different outlook for you.<br />
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I made that mental leap when my now ex wife left me. Things changed for the better after that because I decided not to comprimise my self and my needs to be who I think someone wants me to be. I am me first and foremost.<br />
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When you can truly be open an honest to yourself about who you are, then you can opely and honestly share that person with others. Once you do this you will find that your true friends will accept you, your false friends will move on... and you will be better for both.<br />
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You share your frilly side as a "here's who I am, and this is what you get as a part of me". You explain to them what to expect but you make it clear there is no changing it or comprimise. Again they will either run away or into your arms... and again you will be better for both. Because the one who runs into your arms will give you total acceptance and love you for you. You gain a partner and best friend and most likely a shopping partner as well.<br />
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Its tough being a guy with a frilly side... socierty tells us we are nuts. I give society the finger. We may not be unique but we are individuals and that's way better than following the herd. Most of the herd ppl are freaking miserable... be you, be proud, and be happy.

You're not alone my friend! You have to find comfort in yourself to be who you truly are :-)