I Need To Do This For Myself

I have always had low self-esteem when it comes to my body. I guess part of that was from needing a bra at such a young age, where my friends could still get away with shopping for children's clothes, I had to go to the adult clothing stores. We all know I have a decent enough rack, but I don't feel that that's my best 'feature'.

Throughout a year, I will go between three sizes. Never above a certain size, and never below a certain size either. I hardly sit down during the day, but I know that that's not excersize enough. I don't eat throughout the day, so I binge when I get home. I try to steer clear of certain foods, but most of the time the bag of crisps wins the battle of wills. My legs are awesome. In fact, my legs are my best feature. They're not long, but shapely. You can tell where my calves end and my ankles start. My thighs are firm, so at least all that walking round a classroom does something for me. My butt is a whole other issue of cuteness on its own.

But saying all of this, I still don't feel good about myself. One of my first jobs when I left uni, was to photoshop images for magazines. Making a size 8 model look like a size 6. Changing their faces, getting rid of the blemishes and little 'imperfections' that actually made them perfectly human. I laothed my job. Looking at already perfect women, and changing them, making them completely inhuman. Needless to say, I was on a constant diet after that, but it made me depressed thinking that I needed to look like what I was creating. I didn't last in that job too long, I couldn't take it for my own sanity.

I always went by what men wanted too. Men love my boobs, I can't deny that. When I was at my lowest, I would use them to get my own way, to get the attention that I needed. Yes, I do it now, to a point, but not to where I would cheapen myself as I used to. If I ran my hands down the sides of my body, I can feel the natural hour-glass shape, but I the love/hate relationship I have with it doesn't allow me to enjoy it. I try so hard to hide my shape. I wear baggy tops, let my legs take the attention away from the rest of me. Every day I carefully pick out my clothes to make sure that certain parts of me are hidden. I know I will never have a flat stomach, but there are days when my hips look too big, or my chest looks like something out of Dolly Parton's catalogue of fake boobs. As much as Mr Ninjacakes pervs over me, there's still that little piece of self-doubt in my mind telling me I'm not slim enough, perfect enough. I need to be something else.

I did something the other day that I would never have done for anyone before. Amongst my collection of underwear and lingerie I have a couple of corsets. One completely boned and ready to be laced up so tightly you can no longer breathe, the other one loose enough to not need to worry about sitting down in it. I tried them both on. My body shape fits naturally into them as it is, so there's no need to suck anything in or squeeze my waist in. I wore the looser one. With it I wore my frilly French knickers and a pair of heels. As I studied my body from every single angle I could manage, I started looking at things that I liked.

My legs. I will say it again, I have good legs, and in a pair of heels with a pair of French knickers, they look even better.

My waist. I have a waist. I don't have a flat stomach, but I have a waist, I have a shape to me, I go out and in and out again.

My hips. My hips are quite small compared to the rest of me. They balance me out enough.

My butt. I have a good butt. It's not too big, not too small, and firm enough from all that walking around all day to not have to worry about skinny fit jeans looking ridiculous on me.

My boobs. They're big enough to be big, they don't sag, they provide a natual pillow for anyone that needs a hug.

As much as any lover has made me feel comfortable in my own skin, I've never been 100% ok about me. I wish I didn't feel the need to hide behind long t-shirts or rush under the covers with a new lover. I want to be able to look in the mirror every day and be absolutely satisfied that I am actually ok with how I look.

MrsLalaninjacakes MrsLalaninjacakes
26-30, F
24 Responses Jul 18, 2010

I love all types of ghosts

I just love all shapes and sizes of a woman-size does not matter.

Aw thanks honey x

Oo nice avi!

thanks

Just the way you speak frankly is sexy!

can't promise I won't kill the mil though....

Ok, but no sex with my Mr!

I know that movie!<br />
<br />
You know, we could, and it would be awesome!

Haha

You sound like a typically beautiful woman to me! Tell that critical voice to p!$$ off!

Haha you want some of mine? I had to run in a race at sports day today, no one told me! It hurt

Aw, I remember that! Im gonna listen to it now

hugs back sweetheart, Im slowly learning too, just some days it's a bigger struggle than others

haha thank you

Slep, you know, it's not complaining. I guess you don't understand.

I think you should stop complaining before you end up not having anything to complain about.I bet there's lot of ladies who are dying to have a body like yours out there.

Sound pretty perfect to me lady .............

Im sorry

People tease me all the time because I'm skinny and tall...everything I put on I think I look bad..sometimes I give up on my self and feel like giving up my life, I don't even think I'm good enough for anything but I still going through this

There were a couple of boys at my school who were anorexic, yet nothing was done for them, as it's not a 'boy's problem'. I thought that was pretty stupid, one of them ended up in hospital for nearly a year.

Yeah I can relate. I've had a lot of self-concept/self-image issues that I didn't begin to understand until a year or two ago.I think this is more common with women than in men mainly because of the media. And that voice that often speaks to us in our minds (and won't shut up) comes from those thoughts that originate from the media, past experiences, other people's opinions, etc.<br />
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Anywho, you're fine just the way you are, that voice in your head is not you, and that voice is wrong!

It is, it won't shift.

Wow... :) It's seems like you're aware of how good you look but there's a voice in your head that remains critical. Could that voice come from childhood?