A Recent Cutter

Im about 20 years old & live in Texas right now. Around the January of this year i got hit with depression & a major depressive disorder that has lasted 7-8 months so far. Ive had suicidal thoughts since i was 13 years old & ive come close to killing myself 3 times this year. Im on Celexa for depression & Xanex for anxiety i have. And ive been going to counseling on a weekly basis. Last month i tried burning & cutting my leg, but the knife was dull & i couldn't work the lighters. But a week later I got a better knife & started in. Its gone from occassionlly to every other day & now almost daily. It makes me feel in control & is a release & gives me something else to focus on rather than the pain i feel on the inside of me. I've covered my arms & legs & have kept the cuts well hidden, but its hard keeping it a secret. Only a few people know about my cutting & I don't want to hurt the people around me by telling them. I wish i wasn't this way & could just snap out of it, but i know its gonna take some time. I really hate the stigma around cutting & how some people think its about getting attention, but its not when we try to hide our cuts & scars. Wynonna Ryder i think said it best in "Girl, Interrupted" "Your trying to kill yourself on the outside to kill whats on the inside of you...
natclo57 natclo57
6 Responses Jul 15, 2010

Its kinda boring at times, but its a safe place. But doing the group therapy really helped me. I do have one piece of advice for you. You need to fight for yourself because no one else is gonna do it for you. It was scary the first night, but then i got used to the routine. I actually got back home today & i kinda miss the friends i made while being there right now.

How is the whole mental hospital experience? I've been thinking about going to one if my cutting gets out of control again but I've been scared to go.

I just got back from a mental hospital & its been like close to 40 days since i cut. It was really an eye opening expereince & a very positive one. I spent 9 days there & met some good people.

Great job, keep it up ^^. Once I went nearly a week. Avoid relapse if you can. It's shiit-fuckidly-terrible. <br />
<br />
-3 years of self harm.

Congratulations! That is absolutely wonderful! I'm very happy for you. Best of luck as you continue your journey. If you ever need to talk, please, please, please let me know. <br />
<br />
Rescue is possible. Love is the Movement.

Im now on day six of not cutting myself!!!