Asahmed...

I went over 80 days without cutting, but being around my ex, was enough to push me over the edge, and bring me back to day one again. I hated myself for days on end, and I felt like everyone was mad at me, a few people where, but people were mostly dissapointed in me, and that hurt so ******* much worse.

Today had been a really bad day. I was hurting severally, was thinking about a LOT of things from my past, had a bad night of sleep last night, and it eventually caughty up to me, where I wanted to cut, but I thought I could handle it, I thought I could push through the urges, and find someway of beaing the urges, and get through it...

Than my mom got home, my brother was manic, and had been in an "angry" mood all day, and I was once again his punching bag, he and her went at it, so I just came in my room to hide out for a while, and than she came barging into my room, see me on the floor crying, and just loses it, and starts yelling and screaming me, calling me a fat worthless no one, and i just couldn't take it anymore, once she left, i grabbed for my box cutter, and I just cut....

I just wanted her to come in, and see my crying, and I don't know, act like she CARED, actually was a MOTHER to me, and actually hold me! Not hurt me so much that I just couldn't take it anymore.

So now I am back at one.....



deleted deleted
26-30
3 Responses Jul 16, 2010

At least you managed to stop<br />
I've never been able to, take pride and solace from having the willpower to stop in the first place.

Me too....

We both are. And we'll build from here. *hugs tight*