I Turn To You

Hello All, my name is Danielle I am 18 years old. I have a bit of a history for cutting. I started when I was about 13 years old, I was rapped from the time I could remember till I was 13 years old. I finally told my mother who refused to believe me, still to this day I'm not sure if she really does. I hid the fact that I had been being sexually abused for a very long time, I finally told my mother 2005 after my uncle who was more like my father had passed away from meth overdose. That's when I turned to cutting... I blamed myself for his death as I still do, I had a feeling as if something were wrong and I told my best friend at the time and she looked at me and told me I looked very beautiful that i wasn't wearing alot of make-up as my uncle had told me many times I was to beautiful to wear make-up. Why did I know something was wrong with him?? Why am I the only one who had that feeling if I wasn't supposed to be there for him as he was when I needed him... After his death my mother thought it would help me if my bio father came back into my life, but it didn't he didn't.. He came back and mentally and physically abused me. I tried and did get pregnant at 15 so he would kick me out so I didn't have to deal with him or the abuse. As I wished I left the house hold through DFS, I was in DFS custody most of my pregnancy. DFS told me I wasn't going to be able to keep my son so my sons fathers parents adopted me about a month before my son was born "Landon 6608".Of course that didn't work out due to the fact my sons father was a pos dad and cheated on me every chance he got. I stopped cutting for most of my pregnancy, i cut a few times on the inside on my legs . I quit for the most part but today i slipped up and cut again with a pare of scissors. I think about committing suicide alot more again and I'm not sure if I want to stop cutting again. I have cut all my friends off, my mother and I fight everyday for the past few months as well as my current boyfriend. I'm not so sure how much longer I can deal with the pain, the anger, the hatred I feel inside. I have images in my head real thick about just ending my life. I'm tired of fighting, I have fought as far back as I could remember to keep myself together and going. I'm at the breaking point. I feel low and worthless, I think about things like if I just killed myself now my son will be to young to understand and not even know what is going on, or remember me when he is older. I cut again today to feel, to know I am still alive even tho I feel so dead inside... a poem I wrote

Pretty Picture

I paint a pretty picture, I paint it with a twist, I paint it with a razor blade, I paint it on my wrists ..... 

peacepipe1992 peacepipe1992
18-21
4 Responses Aug 3, 2010

Your story is so unbelievably sad. I feel so sorry for you. If you need help, I'm here to listen. You deserve better then what you got in life. Are you getting professional help?

Oh and message me if you need someone to talk to ok.Or somebody else,there are lots of women your age here on ep that are going through the things you are.

As you may see from my profile,i cut sometimes too.I was never raped but i was molested,by a friend of the family,the second person was my stepfather and when in highschool my drunk uncle tried but by then i was old enough to know that it was bad and stopped him.<br />
You cant blame yourself for his death,you were just a kid.What could of you done?Like you said,you knew something was wrong but didnt know what.You couldnt have stopped his death..As for your mom,I dont understand any parent not believing there kid when you tell them you were raped.<br />
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If i was your father i would never kick you out for getting pregnant.I would do all i could to help you.Hes not much of a father.What about your mom?I guess she didnt care from what i read.The father of your child isnt much of a parent either.<br />
I hope his parents treat you well.<br />
Suicide isnt the answer,your son needs you.You may not see it but he does.You can have a happy life.<br />
If all your doing is fighting with your mom then stop talking to her for awhile,its not doing either one of you any good.<br />
Its the same with your current boyfriend.You dont need a man in your life to be happy.<br />
You are not worthless,your child need you for one.What about your step parents?Im sure they dont thing your worthless.<br />
I know cutting is hard to stop,i have been doing it for 13 years and still do it.Talking to someone that understands can help you not to cut.Have you talked to a countsler or gone for therapy?Try that before trying to end it.Things can get better.If you ended now your son will some day know his mom suicided.I cant say what he would think but im sure he would put some of the blame on himself.If you wont stay for yourself,say for your son.He can bring so much joy into your life.Things can get better.<br />
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Your poem,beautiful and sad at the same time.

I hate when people look down on me and have no clue how I feel...