Eternal Circle

I've not self harmed for about two and a half weeks. Before that I can't remember when I wasn't doing it at least once a week.

But I can feel it coming, almost wishing it to come. Eventually it'll get so bad I'll just break and do it, I know I will I'm too weak to resist it.
Fighting off the urges doesn't feel normal, I feel crazy I start scratching and punching and all my muscles will be tense for days on end.

Then I'll hit a trigger and that'll be it. Restart the countdown.
Its like I don't even want to stop, help myself out of this hole I've dug. I like doing it, like hiding it from people, some form of pride comes when I know people don't know everything about me.
Its scary tbh. The last time I did it, it was bad. Alot of deep cuts which are still healing almost 3 weeks on. A general rule of thumb is that when I haven't for a while it comes back worse and it gets progressivley worse with each session when I'm cutting regularly.

I even have to cut when I go out. I plan it before a night out. Because I know I cn't be happy because I'll hit a trigger and will want to do it when I'm out. I can't afford to have my friends spot this or be kicked out for brandishing a razor blade in the toilets. So I pre-cut then I won't have too, I can just touch the area I've cut and use the pain that creates.
I'm blood thirsty too, every time I cut I have to see blood. Now I have to see it run down my arm or leg before I stop. The last session was so bad I had to repeatedley do it. I'm not sure I can survive that again.

Each session brings relief. This soon turns into despair and a crushing weight of depression. But I'll still do it.
Normally a session only has a few deep cuts, more recently this has increased and I've had to cut until I feel sick and lightheaded.
I've got enough medical training to know I'm on the verge of shock. This training allows me to patch myself up and carry on.
Positive used for negative.

I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die. I'm not scared but I don't want to hurt my family and friends like that. I've done enough already. But I want to have a meltdown or something similar. Cut myself so deep I have to get medical attention. Or cut so deep before a night out I need painkillers then drink tonnes on top of the painkillers and end up in hospital.
Both of the above mentioned are plans I've considered in the past two months. I feel like I want to explode, give everyone a sign they can't deny. Something that makes them pay attention. But I don't know why and I despise myself for being an attention seeker.

Please note I'm writing this in what I'd term a good state of mind. Writing in a logical and almost scientific term. If I was in what I'd term a bad state of mind this would involve alot more of why and not how I cut.
I'm wise enough to know I need help and how to seek it. But I'm not brave enough or even willing to go seek that help. The strongest part of my mind is overrulling the sensible part and telling me I don't need it and to stay like this.
I'm wise enough to know this isn't normal and that this is perhaps a mental condition. What I don't know is how to stop this and return to a semblance of previous life where I didn't need to do this.
AgeonAngel AgeonAngel
1 Response Aug 9, 2010

Hey I feel a lot like you describe in your story. On Thursday last week I cut after not doing so for a week and a half. The first few days were OK but then I started spending most of each day stressing and wondering whether that night would I cut or not? would I be able to resist the urge? In a way though I was like you, almost wishing it to come and was wondering whether that night would I finally feel 'bad' enough to cut like I kind of wanted to so badly. <br />
Sometimes I also wonder about (and have done occasionally) cutting in advance. That was because one night I really wanted to but managed not to then at work the next day I was so tense and worked up because I hadn't that I just wanted to go home and cut so much.<br />
Thinking of you, try and stay strong xxx