I Am Trying To Stop

Every week as I attend my theraphy, I struggle so hard not to turn my head in my arms, legs and neck. It was hard to quit as I found it a reliever  of a burden I  am carrying inside. I am suffering from PTSD and it was really hard to cope with it. I cant see a life anymore. I cant help but to blame myself about my weakness in life. I was sexually abuse and I didnt realize that. I was 23 though when I lost my mom and started to live alone. As I met different guys, I never thought life with them could be so dangerous for me when all I know is to love and think I am being love.  I thought it was OK to be touch as they always say its a part of any relationship.But, that's the only part of my story I remembered when I woke up in the hospital last year after my suicide attempts twice. I know there are so many things to say but I just lost my memory and could not recall any events with my  friends, co workers and neighbors.

I feel like my heart is full of emotions and burdens which I could not express out. I am trying to remember everything with pictures, places and things. The doctor told me that I had this self protectlive block in my memory so it can still save me from my suicide temptation 

I am trying to stop but I could not find any reason why I should stop when cutting is my only way to relieve the pains. What ever it is, I want to be like any other girls who are normal and not like me

I wish to stop