Advice For A Cutter Who Stopped But Gave Back In

Since I was around the age of 13/14 I have cut myself. There was definitely a huge gap from when I was 15/16 until I was in my early 20's that I stopped cutting myself. I don't really know why I started doing it when I was younger but I know that I struggled with an abusive father and felt very alone and unheard. I got married at 19 and was in an abusive relationship. My ex-husband put me through a lot of trauma and I began cutting myself again. A few years ago I got raped by a employee/friend and the cutting became worse and worse. I struggle now with it but not a badly as I have in the past. I went 5 months without doing it and I was very proud of myself but then I gave into the urges twice because some very traumatic incidents occurred and it was the anniversary of getting raped. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself and worthless after having done it especially since I went so long without doing it. I thought I had finally overcome it and now I feel like I went backwards. I had lost most of my scars on my legs and I was so happy that I was finally going to leave them in the past. I felt like I had a new beginning. The scars I now have on my leg from the last time I cut are pretty deep and I am afraid that they won't go away and I will be stuck with them forever. I struggle with getting my boyfriend to understand why this happens but when I look at his reaction all I see in his eyes are disgust and disappointment and it breaks my heart. He makes comments to come across to me as ignorant of the situation and it just makes me feel even more ashamed and worthless. I know that he is just upset and doesn't know what to do or say and is just trying to get out what he has going on in his mind but at the same time it is just very upsetting to me when he says certain things. Especially a comment about how my scars are ugly. Obviously due to the abuse I have suffered my whole life and being raped I have very low self esteem and self worth issues and I would love any advice on how to not let those comments hurt me. It is just a vicious cycle because I am upset so I cut myself and then I hate myself for cutting myself and then when those comments are made I hate myself even more for giving in and doing it and making someone disappointed in me and all I want to do it cut myself again but I can't.
chefs chefs
26-30, F
3 Responses May 6, 2012

I can't give you advice on getting raped. However, I definitely understand the shame that goes along with trying to explain the scars that go with being a cutter. Some days are better than others; and most days are not so good. Having said that, I don't think your boyfriend sees as you say "disgust and disappointment in his eyes", it is more likely pain and sadness. Take a step back and try to see "you" in his eyes...most people don't cut to make themselves "feel" ok....If you made it to the stage of bf/gf...he took a huge step and so did you...Good luck

You're not alone. Im in the same cycle as well.... my bf "use to" make me feel WORSE about my cutting, but he's alot more understanding NOWADAYS. I hope your bf comes around soon, bc if ur like me... its HIS disapproval that HURTS more than any other friend or family members opinion. Do you "want" to stop cutting? or do u "want" to understand WHY your cutting? It sounds like u want to stop, but I found that I couldnt STOP till I understood WHY and what TRIGGERED me to cut to begin with.

I don't have a "solve" all for you. I am in the same viscous cycle. I too hate myself for cutting and I despise the questions about the scars. You are a step up in that you have a bf...but people that don't cut don't understand.I know the disgust and disapproving eyes, even from friends, it doesn't help. It makes you feel worse and cut more. I guess I don't have much advice, but you aren't alone...that probably isn't very soothing.But there are other people that feel the way you do...