I Don't Cut Exactly, I Scratch

and I think about it a lot more than I do it, but I do do it. When I'm upset or scared or there's some big problem I can't figure out how to solve I think about cutting, what blood will look like on my arm, how deep I'll go and where. But I don't actually cut, I just use fingernails and that seems safer somehow? Minimal bleeding but still some scars. No infections but I think I've just been lucky. I've been doing this for as long as I remember, since I was a little kid. I am bipolar and it's been a lot better since I got diagnosed and got on meds but I still do it. I want to stop but I don't know how.
jenstrikesagain jenstrikesagain
41-45, F
1 Response May 19, 2012

I started with just picking instead of cutting so I kind of know how that goes. I wish I could tell you how to stop but I don't know either. One thing I've tried is a notebook of cuts, kind of like a diary only instead of words from a pen, I record slits from a boxcutter (the boxcutter is my tool of choice but perhaps you would benefit more from scratching the paper?) A lot of the time I forget about the little book and cut myself anyways but once in a while it helps. Also, I have a friend who has promised that at absolutely any time I can text her and just rant instead of cutting. A lot of the time I'm not brave enough to text her (sometimes I even text her after saying that I have cut) but again, sometimes it helps. I've found that I get a lot more upset when I think about trying to stop myself from cutting (almost third-person, like I am my own child with a problem behaviour I don't know how to fix) than if I just let me but in a controlled manner. It seems best to go about it smartly than to fight it, fight it, then overcompensate and go nuts. <br />
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I know none of this is an answer but it is a little bit of a connection. Feel free to message me at any time.<br />