I Relapsed....need Advice/need Reassurance

Hey.....I was a long time cutter..since I was 11 yr old. i'm 27 now and I haven't cut for 2 years now. The last time I had cut ended me in the hospital with 22 stitches in my arm and a week in pych. I also suffer from BPD and an eating disorder. Since then, I've found amazing support, went into recovery and even got married. It's been an amazing journey. But the day of my wedding, I was triggered and 3 months in, I've been in complete chaos in my head. I feel ugly, fat, out of control, like a hermit, lost and lonely (even though i'm not alone) I've pulled away while trying to pretend I'm whole. I drink too much, but it's socially acceptable so I am not questioned. I'm binged too much and drank to not purge, so i've gained more weight. So Two days ago, I stopped.

Two days ago, I decided to fall. I drank until I forgot how to process my "skills" and cut my thighs and arms. I also have fallen into a severe restriction in food....(which i'm fine with) My fear is the I cut so much that I cannot hide it from my husband and I'm afraid he will find out. I've said i'm on my period so i wear shorts and stuff to bed, but i cut pretty deep on my left thigh and i'm so scared he will find out. if he finds out about this, he'll find out about everything. What should I do? He is the healthiest and most supportive person I know, but i don't want to go through the explanation and i don't want to go back to the hospital (my cuts do not need medical attention) and most of all, I don't want to disappoint him. I'm looking for advice for my immediate need, not the steps to stop in from continuing.....any help? I miss having friends to talk to about this
nixsixx nixsixx
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

I feel the same way. Hiding things so your pain doesn't hurt the ones you love. I've never cut to the point of stitches or hospitalization, but I have been hospitalized for suicidal threats and idealizations. The cutting calms me, more than treatment ever has. I don't want to stop, but I don't want anyone to know either. You aren't alone. Thank you for sharing.