This Is My Normal

I started cutting back when I was fourteen, back then I was just starting my struggles with depression. I was so ashamed of it at the time that even in the middle of the summer I would wear long sleeves. Then as suddenly as it all started it stopped, I was 16 and just moved to Louisiana knowing I couldnt hide the cuts. I was fine for about 6 months and I had my first relapse of depression and cutting. I got kicked out of school because I cut myself so deep that I needed stitches. I was sent to new York where I had my struggles with alcohol, drugs, cutting and deaths in the family leading to more of the above. At the time I had a wonderful girlfriend. That's right I'm a guy. And she was starting to pull me back from the brink. I was doing well enough that when I turned 18 I joined the navy. I graduated boot camp in the top 90% of my division and followed up with an 80% for a-school. I was transferred to my first duty station where that following Christmas my now fiancé dumped me and just to rub it all in my face came to see me 3 weeks later. I tried to kill myself while she was there but she stopped me and life resumed normalcy for a while until 3 days later she tells me that she's seeing someone do soon after the breakup and we fight. That night I drank two gallon bottles of Smirnoff red top, took 45 Zoloft, 45 trazodone, 20 Vicodin, 30 Tylenol, 30 benedryl and slashed my wrists for good measure. I guess sensing something wrong when I stopped texting her she called 911 who discovered me in my barracks room unconscious. I spent the next 3 days in the ICU barely hanging on to life. The told me that they had to revive me 5 different times and that I was lucky to be alive before they transferred to the psyche ward. This is an end of it I thought but fast forward to today. I've had my third relapse and its only getting worse. I never cut deeply just enough to bleed, but my arm is covered from shoulder to wrist is cuts of all shapes and sizes. Parts look like a checkerboard some look like lines others cross and intersect. It's beautiful in its own way. I'm still falling down the rabbit hole. Soon I think I'll see Alice and be in wunderland. Most would say that I'm a danger to myself or that I'm crying out for attention. The only reason I'm posting here is because I want to spread awareness about what is both an affliction and an addiction. I'm 22 years old and I've been a cutter for 8 years off and on. I don't like what I do and I'm trying
To get help. But for now I'll stick with what works for me. A shiny blade that lightly kisses my pale skin until it glistens with crimson.
Myblackdog Myblackdog
22-25
1 Response Dec 11, 2012

I know it's not very well written but I was trying to keep it brief. If you want to know more message me I guess. I dunno this is my first time on the site.