My Cutting Life

Well never shared this with anyone except my wife so bare with me as I tell my life of cutting and self harm.
I grew up extremely scared and alone. Fearing the next day and wishing for death. Why would a child ever wish for death at the age of 7? I had a severely abusive step father. Not only did he beat me everyday with what ever was in his hand, but he even threatened to kill me more than once. In a way I longed for death, but never received it. I ran away from home and went to a friends house because I couldn't take being beat and never loved, hugged, or kissed not even from my mother. I was placed in State Care and went to groups homes until I was 18. I grew up hating myself and blaming myself for everything that went on. I soon found the high light of drugs and the way that drugs helped me forget my past horrors. I started off easy but easy soon lead to more. From the age of 18 until I was 20 I was a heavy drug user and pusher. I am not proud of that part of my life but I deal with it. At age 20 I slowed down a bit on drugs and ended up self harming. I started self harm on accident really, but the first time felt so good that I soon found myself doing more. I still to this day get the shakes, sort of when you need that smoke on a crack pipe when I can't hold back a cut any longer.
I got married when I was 20 worst mistake of my life for the next 10 years. My married life made me feel horrible about being me. I was being blamed for everything that went wrong or could go wrong. I tried to get us help but I guess help with your marriage only comes when both people want to admit to the wrong doing. My ex thought that she did nothing wrong at all. I finally got away after 10 years but can't understand why I waited so long. I would cut myself on a regular basis in my first marriage because of all the stress. I would poke myself and burn myself, and then I discovered cutting myself in an unusual area. Yes my private area. It was such a different feeling. It didn't hurt as much as I thought. Ever since then, this is my cut area. I can hide it easily and it makes me forget the world for awhile. I still to this day cut myself there.
I am now married again and to a much better woman. My wife now doesn't judge me for my past or for my cutting. Yes she does know that I do it. I want to stop for her. I did stop for a year and then my life got extremely bad really fast. I got sick and ended up in the hospital and lost my job after seven years of service. And that wasn't all of it. I couldn't walk when I came home and couldn't remember anything from the hospital stay. I felt so worthless and got severely depressed once again and then I found myself cutting once more. I didn't know how to explain it to my wife at the time so I tried to hide it but had to come clean with her. Ever since I lost my job my life as seemed to have gone down hill so fast and making me even more depressed and again suicidal. Yes when I was younger I went through years of battling suicide. I wanted to kill myself so bad and I did try three times. I hung myself but a friend cut me down, I took four whole bottles of aspirin, once again the same friend rushed me to the hospital, and the third time I did both but I took six bottles of aspirin and then hung myself. Shia once again found me. She was my greatest and best friend. She is now no longer here on this earth because someone thought he was ok and drove drunk. I also seen a friend of mine blow his head off and ended up getting peices of him all over me.
It seems lke in all the really bad times in my life I have resorted back to my darkest self the cutter. When things are going good I am ok it seems like. When things get bad I always seem to end up cutting. Don't get me wrong the cut feels so good and the pain is so refreshing and to watch the blood run makes me feel as if the world and the troubles have left me for alittle awhile. Will I ever be able to stop cutting I would like to think so but I am not sure.
I don't know if my story made since to anyone. I just wrote what came into mind. If you would like to know anything else just ask. If you have a similar cutting experience share with me. If you have a way to help me deal with my problems share that as well. I don't judge anyone so feel free to say what you will.
Cuttingturtle Cuttingturtle
36-40, M
Jan 9, 2013