The First CutIm not exactly sure why I'm writing this. I feel i need to get this out. here is my store on how my self harm began. If you have never made that first cut, PLEASE DONT. Also I'm sorry for the babbling i tend to do that.
I became really depressed young and felt so built up i didn't know what to do and how to escape it, i didn't know what was wrong with me. When i was 12 i got braces. One of the wires was poking the back of my mouth and was very uncomfortable. When i stuck my finger in my mouth to try and shift it it would often stab my finger tip. For some reason i loved it and began doing it alot, trying to draw more and more blood. When i got in trouble i ran to my room to stab my finger tips, and when i started crying late at night my fingers were dripping in blood within minutes. Like any addiction i needed more. Im not sure how/ when i got the idea but i decided to use my disposable razor. One day when i was home alone i got in the shower and slid the razor horizontally so it made 2 small parallel cuts on my thigh. It was a really big deal at the time but within months it became normal to hop in the shower after school and slide my razor across my thighs several times and push down harder and harder. Soon the entire upper half of both my legs were covered in shallow cuts from my disposable razor. It was my little secret and i loved it. But eventually my mom found out and she learned that i wanted to commit suicide.. and ignored it. That killed me because secretly i wanted help. Weeks later she had forgotten. The next couple months i cut deeper and deeper and started needing bandaids when they wouldn't stop bleeding. But then i got into a fight at school and got a long lecture from my parents, long story short it turned into talking about my "issues" and my mom said the exact words: are you still doing that cutting crap? I said no but she didn't believe me, as i got up from the table she yanked my pants down and saw everything. This time i was sent to therapy, i lied my way through it and learned to resent all the bullshit they fed me. 3 months later i decided i was happy and didn't cut anymore (because i got checked weakly) and they released me. I lied. The summer then started and going to the beach with my family meant no blades. But by the time school started i was free to my razors. This time it was different though. The whole time i was restricted from it i planned ways to make myself scar. I pulled apart my shaving razors and took the sharp blades out. Within 10 minutes i could have my legs dripping and cuts so deep i couldn't stand up/sit down too fast. The whole next year i scarred my thighs this way. When summer came around i got nervous and restricted my self to smaller sections and wore board shorts on top of my bikini. I tried to stop but holding it in so long only made me more anxious and so i found the sharpest blade i could find to carve a heart just under my hip bone were no one saw it was so deep and is still there today. Later the next year it got worse and worse till the point were i would get dizzy doing it. I would sit on my bathroom floor at midnight with a blade in my hand passing out from the blood of my cuts. But every morning i got up and went to school with a smile on my face and no one knew any different. When my good friend found out i stopped for awhile and tried burning my ankles with lighters instead. i hated it and i still have 5 dark shapes around my ankles. I also burned my foot with a cigarette which was painful, and tried pressing sea salt against my leg with ice, which stung really bad. This time when i went back to cutting i did it on my wrist. For some reason i was no longer afraid of getting caught, but in the back of my mind i was terrified of going back to therapy so i never went to deep and eventually returned to my thighs. I wish i could say i stopped, i wish there was a happy ending. But there is not, i would be lying if i said i was even getting better because my bathroom floor 2 nights ago would say different. I guess the point of my story is that if you haven't made that first cut please don't!
Ashleelovsyouu 18-21, F 2 Responses 0 Jan 26, 2013