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The First Cut

Im not exactly sure why I'm writing this. I feel i need to get this out. here is my store on how my self harm began. If you have never made that first cut, PLEASE DONT. Also I'm sorry for the babbling i tend to do that.

I became really depressed young and felt so built up i didn't know what to do and how to escape it, i didn't know what was wrong with me. When i was 12 i got braces. One of the wires was poking the back of my mouth and was very uncomfortable. When i stuck my finger in my mouth to try and shift it it would often stab my finger tip. For some reason i loved it and began doing it alot, trying to draw more and more blood. When i got in trouble i ran to my room to stab my finger tips, and when i started crying late at night my fingers were dripping in blood within minutes. Like any addiction i needed more. Im not sure how/ when i got the idea but i decided to use my disposable razor. One day when i was home alone i got in the shower and slid the razor horizontally so it made 2 small parallel cuts on my thigh. It was a really big deal at the time but within months it became normal to hop in the shower after school and slide my razor across my thighs several times and push down harder and harder. Soon the entire upper half of both my legs were covered in shallow cuts from my disposable razor. It was my little secret and i loved it. But eventually my mom found out and she learned that i wanted to commit suicide.. and ignored it. That killed me because secretly i wanted help. Weeks later she had forgotten. The next couple months i cut deeper and deeper and started needing bandaids when they wouldn't stop bleeding. But then i got into a fight at school and got a long lecture from my parents, long story short it turned into talking about my "issues" and my mom said the exact words: are you still doing that cutting crap? I said no but she didn't believe me, as i got up from the table she yanked my pants down and saw everything. This time i was sent to therapy, i lied my way through it and learned to resent all the bullshit they fed me. 3 months later i decided i was happy and didn't cut anymore (because i got checked weakly) and they released me. I lied. The summer then started and going to the beach with my family meant no blades. But by the time school started i was free to my razors. This time it was different though. The whole time i was restricted from it i planned ways to make myself scar. I pulled apart my shaving razors and took the sharp blades out. Within 10 minutes i could have my legs dripping and cuts so deep i couldn't stand up/sit down too fast. The whole next year i scarred my thighs this way. When summer came around i got nervous and restricted my self to smaller sections and wore board shorts on top of my bikini. I tried to stop but holding it in so long only made me more anxious and so i found the sharpest blade i could find to carve a heart just under my hip bone were no one saw it was so deep and is still there today. Later the next year it got worse and worse till the point were i would get dizzy doing it. I would sit on my bathroom floor at midnight with a blade in my hand passing out from the blood of my cuts. But every morning i got up and went to school with a smile on my face and no one knew any different. When my good friend found out i stopped for awhile and tried burning my ankles with lighters instead. i hated it and i still have 5 dark shapes around my ankles. I also burned my foot with a cigarette which was painful, and tried pressing sea salt against my leg with ice, which stung really bad. This time when i went back to cutting i did it on my wrist. For some reason i was no longer afraid of getting caught, but in the back of my mind i was terrified of going back to therapy so i never went to deep and eventually returned to my thighs. I wish i could say i stopped, i wish there was a happy ending. But there is not, i would be lying if i said i was even getting better because my bathroom floor 2 nights ago would say different. I guess the point of my story is that if you haven't made that first cut please don't!
Ashleelovsyouu Ashleelovsyouu 18-21, F 2 Responses Jan 26, 2013

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reading your story brought tears to my eyes, because i feel like someone actually understands me......the more pain i feel, the deeper i cut, the worse i feel though after i start seeing all the scars. i started with my inner thighs, now though, up and down my inner forearm....i get embarassed that i can't deal with pain like everyone else. this is my dirty little secret....thank you for sharing your story.

I know exactly how you feel.. Everyone says it gets better so that must be true right!:) if you ever want to talk about whatever im here!

i'm hoping it gets better - i was good for a year.....one panic attack and out the window my control went....i'm so glad that i came across this site...and i'm glad i read your story......if you ever wanna talk i'm here as well! :)

I agree, if you HAVE never cut, don't start. Do you have an addictive personality where everything u "like" turns into a regular thing?? BC Never in a MILLION yrs would I think this cutting issue would CARRY on into my ADULT life. I dont know how long you have been cutting but I relate to that part about the WRISTS (except I secretly didnt WANT help)... and THAT got addicting even! Like cutting on my wrists was just more satisfying... bc it was like MAKING A STATEMENT of "i dont care". Do you do anything for your cuts- to prevent infection? like wash em out, put Neosporin and bandages? What about your scars?? Have they gotten so bad, NOTHING you wear could cover enough of em?
I know you said you WANT help, but does that mean you want HELP to stop?? I def wish you all the luck in that recovery... lemme kno how you go about that; bc I might jus have to try it if I cant stop on my own. :/

Thanks for the reply! The addictive personality is deffinety true! Im at the point now were I'm begginig to get scared i wont stop, i assumed i would no longer feel the need as i became an adult. I see your point, as far as getting help it wasnt that i wanted it i, for some reason i had this morbid dream that some guy or close friend would find out and still love me and make me all better. As far as cleaning them i normally keep a thick bandage of some sort on to stop the bleeding for a few days and then in the shower i clean them, in all honestly though i dont really take care of my cuts like i should i only use neosporin and a bandaid when there to deep. Scars... I made sure i never scarred on my wrist and that was boring so i went to my legs, mostly every thing heals (except the burns around my ankles that i make up stories for every summer) but under my shorts i hae thousands of thick scars and im not sure what im gonna do with that. My goal is to stop and cover all my scars in beautiful tattoos so i wont do it again. Thank you and i hope you recover too! Have you tried the butterfly project/ rubber band thing?

Butterfly project/rubber band thing? Never heard of it... now super curious tho! I dont use this site as much as i probably should- but we seem to parallel experiences with cutting so Ill send u my email :)