Just How It Is

I started to really do it when I was 17. I was in my second physically abusive relationship and living with the guy.

Its almost a ritual now I've been doing it so long. I always use scissors because my first time hospitalized was when I was 9 & I had used scissors to hurt myself then. 90% of the time I usually sit in the bathroom on the floor because one memory of my not so great childhood was watching my mom sit on the bathroom floor, drunk, crying, & passing out after trying to kill herself with pills & liquor. Anyhow so I'm guessing thats why I go there to do it.

I'm angry, at my parents for NOT being parents and letting me grow up how I did. Do I blame them ? For some of it yes. Do I have to cut myself? No, not have to I guess but its what I know and it works for me. Do I feel selfish for doing it & hurting others? No. Its my body. I'm not hurting other people & nothing is going to convince me otherwise. Its not brought up or talked about except when I end up in the hospital anyway.

I have no desire to stop. I'm not doing it to kill myself. I would rather everyone get off my back about it & let me be me. They want to help me now?? No, how about you shouldve helped me as a kid and I probably wouldnt even be like this. I'm not doing it for attention. I have my scars, I hide them around everyone so nobody has to even "think" about it.
I'm glad some people do want to get help & I'm happy other people with bad childhoods/pasts believe its made them stronger.  I'm just not one of those people.
If I'm okay with it, why cant everyone else be?

I'm not even going to try to explain why I do it. All of us "cutters" have our own, but somewhat similiar reasons and I find it too hard to put into words.

I like to think I'm a nice person. I dont let what I do, alone, behind close doors play some huge role in who I am at all times. I'm not down very often anymore, and its not like I do this daily. Its just my own little thing that I deal with from time to time. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I dont want anyone to "save" me.

This was a bit tough to post, but thats what this place is all about right? Its good to get it out :)

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2 Responses Feb 28, 2009

Cutting feels good and impowers you somewhat, but it is a sympton of something else. You have been doing this so long it is a coping mechinism and a habit. But it is not nescarrily a good one. I cut, I enjoy seeing the blood rise to the surface and run down my arm. Sometimes I just wish it would never stop. But I know this is not a good way of dealing with things. I feel for you, no one seems to be there when the tough things of life are happening but they sure are there in droves when you do something stupid. Find someone outside that group to talk to, someone you can build a trusting relationship with, even if they are not your friend now, make one. It will be better in the long run.

Thank you so much for posting! I feel the same sometimes!