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I am currently 22 years old. I have been cutting since I was 13 or 14. At least that's the earliest I can remember. I was in an abusive relationship from the time I was 14 until the spring of my 17th year. She would abuse me physically, mentally, sexually-any way she could, really. She would want me to cut for her, so, what was once my way of calming myself down, turned into this sadistic display of what the thought was loyalty and affection for her. She cut my back a few times...a lot deeper than I could have ever managed by myself. The scar is about 9 inches long and an inch or two wide at the middle. I look at myself after getting out of the shower and I see this cut and I cry. It has been years. Sometimes I feel like the only way I can stop this feeling of stress and dispair is to cut myself more. 

I hadn't cut in almost 2 years until recently. Recent stress in my current relationship resulted in me cutting my arm just so I could go to sleep. I couldn't stop sobbing and I just wanted to sleep so badly, so I got one of my many knives and dug in. I regret it a lot simply because now I cannot stop thinking about it. I have backed myself into a corner again and I could not be more angry with myself. 

I feel as though I am too old to be riding this same old depression cycle again, but as an unmedicated bipolar (because our health system SUCKS), sometimes I see cutting as a means of self medicating. 

This may not be very clear to some...it's not even really clear to me. If someone would want to talk to me, I would greatly appreciate it. I don't really have anyone who truly knows where I'm coming from.

 

Thanks for listening.

ledbywildangels ledbywildangels
22-25, F
2 Responses Feb 7, 2010

hey i can definately relate to some things you've said...and i know exactly what you mean about things not making sense to you even though you're the one doing it...sometimes i read my stories i've posted and dont realize it was me who wrote them until i look at the author..anyways if you ever wanna talk feel free to message me.

We have a couple things in common, but you've gone through much worse than me. All I can say is that I didn't think I would be a cutter again. I started when I had clinical depression in high school and stopped cutting when that stopped. I started again in college and stopped. And last month I started again. I have now done it four times. Now I kind of don't know who I am anymore or for the time being. I'd really rather feel numb, but I don't. When I'm content I feel numb to most emotions, but when I start feeling sad, then that numbness leaves and I get sad. It's the opposite of what it should be. I'm glad I at least found this website and can share with others since I'm alone.