I Have To Admit That I Am A Cutter

I used to think that it was no big deal. I just scraped some skin off my legs.  Of course I should have realized when it was part of a suicide note that it wasa big deal,  but I was 14 and didn't grasp the severity of the situation.  I have been scratching myself with the same class of 2000 pin since I was probably 12 or 13.  I never learned positive coping skills.  It all came to a head a couple of times (you would think once was enough).  When my husband was away on business for three weeks I resorted to cutting with a disposable razor.  That became my weapon of choice, available and easy.  It didn't even hurt that much, but boy was there some bood, I just wanted to see blood.  I still do as I write this.  I though maybe I was done after that, my husband was devasted when he came home to find me drunk and covered in superficial gashes from that razor.  I had even spent the night in another man's bed,  mostly because he was my best friend and I needed someone to keep me from killing myself.  But I know that breeched the trust in our marriage.  Once again after seeing the pain that caused my husband I thought I could stop.  But I couldn't.  This past february I took that disposable razor and cut myself well over 150 times and it hurt, ot burned, but I though I deserved it.  I should be more grateful for everything I have.  The best thing that came out of it was that I gained even more resources, a psychologist, a social worker and a psychologist who did psychological testing, which I have not seen the results of, although I'm sure it is going to say I am an alcoholic,, but I can't give up alcohol and cutting at the same time.  I am the mother to an infant and I want to bea goood role model but I don't know how.  I also recently (in the last week) realized that I was raped in college, a story I have never told any one in toltal including my husband

I did tell him last week and it was so painful.  And i told him about all the cutting i had done and he's one step away from divorcing me.  i just don't know what to do.  Even with my precious daughter in my lap, i want to cut,

rebekahlou24 rebekahlou24
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 9, 2010

I don't know if you want any advice, support, or comments, but if you do you can continue reading. As a cutter myself, but unmarried, I can't fully give advice on all of that. It is interesting to hear from a married cutter because I'm hoping that when I get married these issues will either not exist or my husband is supportive and understanding going into it. I guess it would be really difficult for a spouse or loved one to learn these things. I would just hope that any person who really loved me would eventually understand or stand by my side. It may just take a lot of time. It may not be what he had in mind when he married you. But like anything else, cutting is an addiction, or it can be. Having his support whether you are cutting or not is going to help. If he knows how much he can really do (even if it's not to stop you from cutting) maybe he would feel more in control. He could be saving your life by not divorcing you, not that that is the reason to stay. But I think the worst part for a loved one is to have no control, not be able to help the one you love and if he realizes that he can help by being there, maybe that would help. As far as the trust goes, I can't really comment. I've never even had a boyfriend which actually is the main reason I cut (the loneliness is almost unbearable), aside from stress. Actually, I stress out about that constantly and despair that I'll ever get married, especially to someone that I love. Right now, you still have a significnt other and a child. I wish I had those things, though I'm not better off than you or worse off, I suppose. I have not really admitted to the cutting, at least not to anyone that matters. It's an immense step and now that it's out, you've accomplished something great, more than I can say.