Clown

so, i guess im supposed to write "my story" and i guess with cutting it would have to start the summer before my freshmen year of high school. But to say if i wasnt dealt the cards i was dealt then this story mosty likely wouldnt not have unfolded the way it did. I mean growing up i went through alot that i just kind of....put away or ...maybe i was just to numb to realize how much it actually would turn out to impact me. Now im starting to feel what i should have felt when those things happend to me.. but im stuck in my own mind tryin to get through this on my own because no body knows me as a sad person. Im the life of the party, the one who always makes people laugh who appears to be soo confident and happy and just normal..when really i might be the saddest person i kno. and part of my sadness is because im sad for other people...and im just overwhelmd and cutting is like the ultimate releif but it cant be that way forever ....first i started cutting with scissors and i guess they werent that serious but through out the years i have more i guess advanced you could say and now i use scribes because they are probably the sharpest things i have ever encountred and it gets the job done just right. Its hard for me to come out and say hey im a cutter cuz i mean ive hidden saddness all my life it just doesnt seem right with me.. like unbelievable like the rest of my life.. and when no one understands it cuz they could never see you as that person its soo lonely and recently i have just told my family and its been four years already and now that they know they just look at me soo differently and i dont want them to walk on egg shells around me or anything like that but i know now that i will never be "normal" in their eyes ever again they will never talk to me the way they use to and by now ive moved past all the other stages they think im at and really all i need is to just be normal again. . .

 

                                                                                                                                                                  -Holly S-:kiss

HollyS HollyS
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 11, 2010

thanks i guess its just hard for them because ive always been known as the happy funny sister, and im the youngest so that adds to it too. I get that they care but sometimes they dont realize that ive coped with it and ive stopped for now so they think i just started this when really ive been dealing with it for years and its i guess just fustrating. and sometimes they take their sadness and worry into anger and say something like "oh well lets go and cut ourselves" it doesnt really bother me..its just ....i guess strange...but thank both of you for the comments helps alot : )

hey dont sweat, im sure your family just wants to help and are trying to treat you more sensitively or something...hang in there