Scars

I cant remember when I first started cutting. I think I must have been 12 or 13. All I know now is it has been a long time and it has never stopped. I am covered in scars from my fingers to my toes. I look at them and remember all the pain through my life. I want to stop cutting. I dont know what I am going to tell my son when he grows up when he asks me about my scars. It has gotten to the point where I will not wear anything that shows my arms, even as pajamas. I just cant. Yet everyday I grab my razor and sit in my shower and cut. I cant stop. Sometimes the pain from cutting is a pain that feels good. I know I am in control and no matter what happens in my life there will always be one thing I can control. So how do I stop?

teela16 teela16
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 18, 2010

It's difficult not to feel control over life. I felt more of a need to cut when I was in high school because my dad was a control freak. I don't know if you feel very little control over many parts of your life, but if you were to gain control over things or accept certain things, that might be a good start. For me, I don't want to stop cutting right now, but I also don't feel like it would be as difficult for me to stop because there have been many instances where I've gone years without. I like the control it gives me, but if I didn't have control over that (it is a choice I'm making for the most part even with that urge, I'm giving in to the urge and there is still a choice) if I felt like I couldn't stop at some point, I don't think that it would bring me that sense of control anymore. You might think about what you control and don't and what thoughts are interfering with you stopping. You might also see if a dermatologist or some kind of scar medication would help the scars. Regardless of the scars, it would be a good conversation to someday have with your son because it is an issue that you face or maybe it'll be in the past by then, but maybe you can teach him something. I don't know if you have someone in your life (outside of the internet) to share your life problems (even if you don't share the cutting), but having support could really help (I don't want to stop until I have it). You do have this group to support you if you don't have someone else. And one thing to realize about cutting is that we associate that good feeling with cutting when it's the releasing of chemicals from the brain that we could get doing something else like exercising or doing something enjoyable. A replacement could really help. I would not suggest getting another vice to replace cutting. If you felt comfortable, you could look to a counselor or therapist, but try anything that works for you and look hard because it may be hard to find what will replace the cutting and support your needs. One thing that helps me is if I'm already getting to a content mode, if I have enough motivation, I can sometimes do the things that I would do if I were happier and almost pretend that I am. I start feeling good by going "okay, I'm exercising everyday, go me" or I ate a salad and that helps me feel better. Doing a few extra things that you enjoy to give you an extra boost. And trying to get out of negative thinking, at least trying to think "I'm going to be happier," can help. Going through those motions can sometimes really help you get into a more content life. It doesn't always work especially if you are too down in the dumps, but try some things and do what helps.