Numb

hi my names shay im 21 years old... ive been cutting since i was 13...no one knows i still do it.. ive been keeping it to myself...when they new before they sent me to doctors special schools...nothing helped...i guess i should start by telling you what led up to it...

when i was 7 untill i was 14 i was molested and abused by a family 'friend'..and during that time. my grandfather passed away whom i was VERY close too...when i was 13 i began cutting...it was like i could feel again. and in that moment i was happy,content,released..the feeling of the blade sliding agasint my skin.. seeing the blood seep from a tiny scratch.. its like it showed me i was still alive even when i felt so very dead. you see i have this problem...everything is numb.. i dont feel anything..i dont love, i dont smile unless i have to, i cant feel like most people do..i can have sex with random strangers and not give a damn about them. i dont get attached to people. if they leave it means nothing to me... its like im dead but im fourced to stay here in a world i dont belong in ... when i cut its the only time i feel alive.. its the only time i can feel..it lets me know that im still breathing...ive tried to stop thinking maybe its just me,, maybe im not sapposed to feel like this..i can change it.. but i cant..and nobody can help me... i have no one to talk to.. all my friends.. well. im sure most of you know how that is.. how can you talk to someone who doesnt understand why you do it.. and who just tell you to stop like its that easy... yah okie. ..or your parents who look at you as sum nut job. and wonder what they did to make such a fu**ed up child.. when its not there fault. its just how you feel.. im 21 years old now.. i never had a childhood..i never felt how kids should feel..i was never popular never had that many friends. i issolated myself inside my enternal hell..ive told everyone im better. when they ask i say oh im fine.. no one ever susoects so i keep this fake smile and this happy mask. so that no one knows that im dieing inside.. that i was to go to sleep and never wake up.. that i pray for this pain to just goaway.. to be normal. wutever that means.. i just know i dont want to be like this. but its something i cant change.. and its something i feel i need...ive tried to kill myself. when i was 15-17. i tryed over doseing on pills but i ended up just getting really sick. i guess i didnt take enuff. or they wernt the right ones to be takeing...i havent tried it again.. i was only trying to kill the pain. i think it would be so much less of a burden if i was gone... and i dont want to feel like this anymore. i want it to end and that seems like the only way it ever will... i dont know how many of you actually read these, im kinda just rambalign on.. i guess if you want to talk to me more or want to know more about me and my life. just leave a comment. or tell me your story.. its good to know im not alone and other people feel this way to..

girlinterupted21 girlinterupted21
18-21, F
4 Responses Feb 26, 2010

thanks guys if anyone wants to talk feel free to add me to msn <br />
xox-sw33t_t3mptat1ons-xox@hotmail.com. or add me up on FB shay ewing.

You took the words right out of my mouth. This is exactly how I feel. I feel like no one understands,and that if I ever tried to talk to someone they would just think I'm crazy. I'm 15. I started cutting when I was 13, and the only reason I stopped was because my parents found out. Everyday is a struggle. I just want you to know that you can talk to me. I know I'm younger than you, but you never know, it could help.

no your not along,I started cutting when i was 29 and still do it i know what its like to be molested,i was too,by 3 different people and one was an uncle now im so depressed most of the time and just want it to stop like u,just want to be normal for once and it makes me sad knowing that there are others out there that feel the same way.I hope u can find whatever it is to make u feel normal of suce a thing can happen

You are deffinitely not alone I promise. I too am one, and I feel like you do. I can't relate to the molesting, but being dead inside, and alive when you see and feel it I know exactly wht you mean. I'd LOVE to talk to you, if you ever need anything at all. I'm here.<br />
<br />
Lindsey.(: