I'm supposed to want to stop.  I hospitalized myself which is a super big deal to ppl here (where I live, ppl I kno, etc) but of course not to ppl who feel similarly, I think.  I don't care about getting better most of the time.  Sometimes beforehand I think that I want to talk to ppl, but not just anyone (esp not ppl I kno or knew b4 joining this site.)  [I make close friends easily sometimes, so I wouldn't be surprised if I do here.  Its not a lot of friends, jus always been 1 close one.]  Sometimes I want to feel like I am not normal or sick when I do it.  I feel different from ppl that do so for attention but I think that that is jus as valid of a reason and perfectly acceptable at a site for cutters, and really respect ppl that can admit it.  Sometimes [rarely] afterward I use it for attention, but I don't think that's my intention when I cut.  My majors in university make it even more odd-feeling for me.  I honestly don't remember when I started, sometimes my memory of things isn't sharp enough for stuff like that.  I deeply miss my past.  I want to talk about personal things here, I mean more about me, but it makes me feel too vulnerable, so I shy off.  Most of the time drinking and cutting go together for me.  I don't have one reason or stream that leads to cutting.  Sometimes I feel bad, and do different things that purposely make me feel sick in a mentally ill kinda way, [mostly jus cutting.]  Sometimes everything is happening and I'm doing this and then I'm doing that and then I cut and it's jus part of the mania.  Sometimes I'm punishing myself, sometimes I jus wanna feel, sometimes I'm disgustingly full of melodrama and self-pity, sometimes I really jus want to.  I told my parents before I hospitalized myself, but hate that I did so and never will tell them again, even tho I think if I felt bad enough and sought help from them, that would b one of the first few things they'd look for.  It was really hard on them and I will never forget how they were the next day when they immediately drove to see me and take me to the hospital.  I would never judge ppl for things but I would judge myself for doing them, I think because I feel like I need there to be something about me that I have a hard time remembering is impossible for anyone.  I never used to cry, but now I cry over things that I appreciate, even, the whole 'things-that-I-find-beautiful' thing.  I don't know what I want from this site.  I have never been only one person.  As far as superficial labels from high school: One day I was a hippie, next day I was the girl in dark colors known for my heavy eyeliner [not quite goth or whatever], next I was a plastic [thank some of the people I am close to, haha].  No joke, I switched constantly and somehow got away with it.  My personality jus changes sumtimes... It's one of the few things that I can't maintain control over.  I've had different diagnoses, always ADD, usually bipolar, once schizotypal, and now borderline.  Sometimes I care what people think; I say that it's like an image control thing because I feel like I'm meant to be in the spotlight [dancing, acting].  Other times I don't give a damn and it's like I want to make ppl feel uncomfortable, or, yeah, don't give a damn how they feel.  Some things are hard to say here because I feel like people may read them and kno who I am, I already have said some.  That's another thing.  I have paranoia issues.  As far as my thoughts right now go, pretty much anything else that I put here is gonna be something identifiable.  I am terrified that someone will recognize me and somehow make me regret sharing this information.  If you do, please don't judge me or share this info or otherwise betray me.  I would do anything.  2am, 3/20/10.

MeMena MeMena
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 2, 2010

Yeah, I can see that...