Cutting Since I Was Little ...

I began cutting when I was 11 years old ... my parents had just split up and I felt like I was the biggest disappointment in the world. "What did I do to make them break up?" I asked myself while crying in my room. "Am I really that bad of a daughter?" As this went on almost everynight, I decided I couldn't take the pain anymore. At first I would bit myself just enough for it to leave a mark for a few minutes, then for a few hours, then days, and so on. After doing this for about six months, at least once a day, It wasn't helping anymore. I felt like the world was crumbling around meand I was powerless to stop it from happening.

I then did the only think I could think of to stop the pain, cut myself. "I'm only going to do it once to help myself through this and that's going to be it."  Little did I know that I was going to end up a powerless pawn in a never ending fight. As I slid the dull blade of my scissors across my wrist, I let out a little gasp. My Lord! I thought to myself This feels great! As I saw the trickles of blood running down my wrist, I was relieved. I felt normal for the first time in my life.

The following week, I failed a huge test. My mother was giving me hell about it and I was super depressed and wanted to kill myself. I tied a sheet to my ceiling fan and proceeded to make a noose at the base of the sheet. I was just about to jump from my bed, after placing the noose around my neck, when I heard a voice in my head say, "What do you think your doing! you're stupid if you jump! You idiot!"  I stopped myself from jumping just as my right foot left the bed. I got down as fast as I could and went to pick up my scissors from my desktop drawer. You have to cut. It won't get any better if you don't. The voice in my head kept telling me this over and over until I broke down and submitted to it's every whim, a mere minutes later. Through every cut, the tears kept streaming like a waterfall.

For the next few years, I continued to cut. Now seventeen, I was sicked by the thought of harming myself any longer but yet I couldn't ask for help. It was a silent struggle that I suffered through alone. Unable to get help, I continued this insideous behavior behind closed doors. I would do this anywhere I could find privacy. At home. At work. Even at school while I was in the bathroom.  I went out of my way may times to enable myself to relieve my pain and suffering in this way.

The longer it went on, the worse it became. In the beginning I would only cut the surface because I was afraid of cutting too deep. I would only make one or two marks for fear of the marks being viewed at school or home. If anybody every asked I would say, "My cat scratched me." Luckily for me, this seemed to satiate their wonderous nature everytime they would ask about the marks; however, after a while, one or two marks wasn't enough and the cuts being on the surface no longer helped to quell my pain, anger, and suffering. I had to make the cuts deeper and more numerous to allow them to have the same effect. I had to cover my arms up everyday to keep the unquestionable evidence from being seen.

Every few months, I was able to find a small window of opportunity which allowed time for my wounds to heal while my life was relatively calm and easy. As I grew older, these opportunities became even more few and far between. I spent more and more of my life just trying to deal with the way I deal with problems and issues in my life, that it was difficult to think of or do anything else.

This was and still is a daily struggle for me. I am now 18 years old and still cutting. It is not fun. It is not cool. It is not something to joke about. It is a real problem among real people. It can be and eventually will get to be like an addiction. It IS NOT a choice to be made without serious implications. Once you start it is hard to stop and it will get worse with time. If you or a friend/ family member is a cutter, please get help IMMEDIATELY! 

I am putting up some sites for any of you who may want it for yourself or to help a friend:

Evanescence45 Evanescence45
18-21, F
Mar 11, 2010