I Didn't Have A Mother

As far back as I can remember, my mom was depressed.  We never had a conversation as daughter and mom.  We never laughted together.  We went shopping but never spoke or interacted with each other.  She never taughte me anything.  I came along 12 years after my brother and I don't believe my momnted me.  She never told that she loved me, never hugged me.  I could not come to  her if I had a problem.  If I cried she got angry at me.  She had four breakdowns but I never found out what her diagnosis was.  One time she left me downtown and walked home without telling me.  My dad was an alcoholic as well and depressed.  We never had a relationship either.  One time when my dad was drinking she took my brother with her and left me with my drunk dad.  She never cared if I ate, bathed, got A's or F's in school.  I felt like apiece of furniture and so incredibly lonely.  I struggled with my own depression since I was a teenager.  Even at 60 I still struggle with some of the after effects of growing up with her.  But when I had my daughter, I determined to do things differently.I told her I loved her, I hugged her and I listened to her.  She turned out to be a sweet and caring person. 

My marriage was a failure because I married my mother and so for 23 years my loneliness increased because I was emotionall, mentally and sexually abused.  I broke free and now I have been single for 15 years.  When she dies, it was a relief.


1 Response May 8, 2011

A lot of that rings true for me. My mom too thinks I'm a piece of furniture and while she tries to show love through buying things (going shopping together) we never have real conversations. Have you gone through any individual counseling? That's where I'm at right now. I would like to see a therapist.