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Musings Of A Daughter

I had a secret boyfriend for 4 years because we were a biracial couple and as a teenager I was still living under my parent's roof. Then a few months ago, my father found out about him and of course got very very angry. He demanded that we get married ASAP so that I do not shame the family. In hindsight, this was a bit of an exaggerated response on my dad's side, but I digress...I knew that if I did not at least get engaged with my boyfriend, the last 6 months of my undergraduate college experience would be a nightmare. So I basically begged my boyfriend to at least get engaged and then break off the engagement after I moved out of the household, but he suddenly got cold feet and said that he did want to marry me but he was not ready to do it right now. So, of course, I had to deal with my father's mental torture for the next few months.

What angered me about his decision was that he was the one who kept bringing up marriage in our relationship even when he knew that I neither cared for it nor dreamt about it. He repeated it so many times that I, in my foolish self, started believing it and then dreaming about it and went on this fantasy land. Unfortunately, since this happened during my last year of college, I also had a multitude of interviews that I was attending during this whole fiasco...one of which was with a very well-known technology company that was known to pay well and have a very good work-life balance. Right before that specific interview, my self-esteem was at an all time low (because of the marriage proposal rejection and my father's words) and I was not in a proper frame of mind at all, but I still somehow got to the final round of interviews. I failed. The interviewers thought I was aggressive and did not have good interpersonal skills - a blow to my self-esteem since my personality is something that usually attracts people not detracts them. I lost all confidence in my skills.

Fortunately, I already had 3 job offers so failing that one was (in the grand scheme of life) not a big deal; however, the overachiever that I am, I did not like the 3 offers I had and was desperately looking for something better. After the failed interview, I spent months getting anxiety attacks, unable to eat or sleep because I knew I had failed my family and now was going to pay for it by working in one of the three jobs I had received (which were with big name companies, but were known for massively overworking their employees). I eventually stopped caring or worrying about my future; I stopped listening to my dad's rantings on how I was a shame to the family and that I was a bad person.

I think my lack of care eventually calmed me down enough to start applying to other places and creatively networking in order to get into the type of company that I wanted a job in. I failed countless times, but amazingly one opportunity came out of nowhere - it was with a tech company that was known to pay even better than the one I had failed. However since I had stopped caring by then, I didn't set my hopes on getting this offer and just tried my best.

I got the offer. The overall compensation package I received was well over 100k and it was in an amazing location with the exact same post that I had wanted. But you know what? I wasn't happy to have received the offer, I was relieved. My father still disapproves of me but less so because of my high starting salary. As for my boyfriend, he is now an ex. During all of these events, I cried and cried and asked him multiple times why he did that and eventually stopped caring. Now, he's gotten into a depressive state because he really wants to be with me but can't be -- too bad I have stopped caring. I don't care for marriage at all anymore and have essentially become a shell of a person ==> I hope I get out of this soon.

Looking back on it now and about to start the job soon, I am amazed by how well everything worked out despite my thinking that I was going to hate my life for the rest of forever. I guess the lesson is truly to never give up and to not expect anything from life. I sometimes feel like a terrible daughter but there really isn't anything I can do I suppose.
girlyhut girlyhut 18-21, F Apr 22, 2012

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