Trying to Analyze "Me"

i gave great thought (as i usually do) to why i jump off the handle with ppl. i'm hoping this isn't an excuse, but i think spending 6 yrs with a man who took every ounce of self esteem, self worth, and who i agreed with everything in order to make sure he was "happy" away from me, i have now taken it perhaps a step too far. don't get me wrong, in a sense i'm glad i met that er.."man", without him, i wouldn't have gone to a support group for emotionally and mentally abused women and learned exactly what i was really putting up with. however...becoming a stronger person is all good, i believe i'm taking the "your not gonna get to me" stand a little too far.  *sigh*
prettyinpink prettyinpink
46-50, F
4 Responses Jul 13, 2007

thanks jazzed, i try to remind myself of that every day!!!

well i wrote that story some time ago, but i think the point i was making..LOL was.. if anybody looked at me the wrong way or said something i didn't 'get' i would jump all over them. I think i've calmed down quite a bit, but can still get my tail feathers ruffled. ;)

I can't figure out what you are saying you did that was "a step too far" here, upon initial quick read, but anyhow, I have a female relative who had a very abusive husband that she later got a divorce from. An example that stands out in my mind is when he grabbed her by the throat and lifted her off the floor once, and also breaking the coffee table or something like that. There was also plenty of mental abuse too.<br />
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So anyway if I would finally get to the point here, she is quite prone to being agressive, nagging, yelling, and it hurts her children etc. often, all perhaps largely due to her past experiences with being abused, but at the same time they respect her ability to be able to say exactly what she feels, and to stand up for herself even in the toughest or scariest situations.<br />
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For instance when the roofer guy tried to cheat her on the job, I forget the details now but the guy thought he was going to get away with it but found himself in court and losing the case. Another example: She'll stand up even to threats of violence like from my 20-year-old nephew who got into a violent rage one night at her house and got in her face when she told him to calm down. Despite the threat of violence she kept her ground, and actually punched him in the face twice duringg that heated exchange saying "I'm not scared of you" (a bit crazy, but it worked). He later told me something like "man, she actually hits pretty hard. It hurt." So though she can be unpleasant at times in our opinion, she is also a fierce lover of her children, sticks up for them, and does a lot for them. They still get overwhelmed by her sometimes, but maybe they just can't relate to what she went through, is at least part of it.<br />
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I believe the experience of being abused by her past husband changed her. It strengthened her--resulting in some good attributes as well as some drawbacks along with it, but isn't that just like any superhero power. Who sings that "Thanks for Making Me A Fighter" song? That reminds me of this, anyhow.

everything in life is about balance but before we can find a balance we have to visit the polar opposite of where/who we once were. at least that's how it is for me... good luck with this. sometimes it takes a little longer than we'd like to find that beneficial balance. be patient, you will find it.