I don't know if I'm fooling myself or not. I try to be happy all the time, I try to find happiness in the smallest things, and I embrace how lucky I am. I spend my free time the way I want to, and I'm not guided by anyone else, I live my life the way I should, without worry. But I think it has turned on me. Nothing has actually changed in my life except my mind and the way I think, and the way I think is seems is eating me alive. I think so hard that it brings mental harm to me. Sometimes i wish I had a button that could clear my brain, but I don't. And it's funny really because I look for reasons as to why I feel this way, I look for a sort of algorithm, that if discovered, I could control my happiness. And this algorithm is what controls my brain. And if I control it, then I control my brain. But the human brain is way to damn complicated to be compared to a simple algorithm that a computer program uses. In other words, the damn algorithm that controls my brain is ******* infinite, and I have thought about it so damn much that I reach a sort of breaking point. I think to myself that there is a proper balance of happiness and sadness that I must experience in order for myself to feel ideal, but no matter what I do I fail. I try and try to expose myself to new things, trying to convince myself that there is an ideal amount of exposure to new experiences in order to bring true happiness.

It really does make me wonder, if a human was born and never exposed to any negative environment, and lived ideally, with no stress at all, I would garuantee that human goes crazy. So how does a person that has never been subjected to negativity of any sort become in itself negative. If you ask me because it's all in our god damn head. Sometimes I wished I could believe in a god, that would at least cut out about half of the time I spend thinking. And don't get me wrong, I love to think deeply, but sometimes it is terrible. I try to convince myself that too much of a good thing will end up fine, but somewhere in my subconscious I fear that I'm wrong, and I fear that I will be destroyed by these so called "good things" before I can see them coming.

I do not believe in a deeper meaning to life, and because of that I believe that I as a human being am not opposed to be happy every moment of my life, but that's what I strive to be. The only thing I strive to be in life is happy, and unfortunately I have no idea what life to lead to bring the most happiness. That is the crossroad that I am at, and the crossroad has an infinite number of paths. Part of me wants to think that in order to maximize happiness, that I need to do exactly what I want, when I want to do it, in the realm of possibility of course. But another part of me thinks that if I only do the things I want to do then will go crazy if I don't experience pain or depression. I hate to call some people simpletons, but when someone talks down to me as if they know what's best or me, I don't think they realize that no one knows me like I do. People speak from THEIR experience, not from mine. If I live off of others' experiences then I am straying from the body of experience I have created within myself, and others' experiences will not
likely mesh well with mine. I know how to be me better than anyone else.

Is it simple enough to say that all I want to be is happy. But I don't want to live for future happiness, because I don't know how to get there. I want to live for my happiness now, because that is what matters. Part of me thinks that the only way to ensure happiness in the future, is to ensure happiness now, until it is the future. Does anyone understand hat I'm trying to say here?
Lateralus07 Lateralus07
22-25, M
1 Response Aug 19, 2014

To be happy is a choice. We all do not like the feeling of being under the charm of negative emotions, but it is inevitable. I respect you for striving to be happy because that is something that someday will be beneficial to you. If you constantly look to be happy then happiness becomes more recognizable to you and your path will follow what you seek. I hope this makes sense. your thoughts were enlightening to me. I think I understand but I interpreted your passages with my own life experiences so I may not have truly received you original, intended message.

I understand what u said. Yes, ever since I have been happy, happiness has been more recognizable, that is a great way to put it. What was trying to say was that I do not know why to do now in order to be happy in 20 years. But I do know that if I am happy in this moment, then before too long I will be happy in 20 years.

It's the moments of happiness that occur every day that you can look back to in forty years that really matter. Continue being happy and you will be able to look back with no regrets. Good luck to you :)