I Can't Believe I Am In This Situation

I got with my husband when I was 18 and before I was saved. My husband was never my "type". But at the time he was what made me happy. As I matured and he didn't I started realizing, hey I am not even physically attracted to him and there isnothing he can do to change this because he's not visually appeasing to me. Then i realized, he is so immature and a alcoholic that he cannot hold a job down. When I tried to leave before I was saved he attacke dme and could have killed me. So now, he's physically abusive and the father of my kids. Also, did I mention he cheated on me two weeks before we got married, but I didn't call off the wedding because I spent to much money on it, my fault! Any how, now that I am saved and he is not and he is slothful not only am I not physically, emotionall or intellectually attracted to him, but he repulses my spirit. I want to see him saved, but it disgusts me to think about having sex with him and i don't. I really want to leave and I have grounds because he has cheated and he is an abusive alcoholic, but I also feel like as a Christian I don't want to get into trouble with God for this. Also, I am not 100% sure, such proof aka smoking gun, that he has cheated since we've been married. But, when he cheated before we said our vows we had already signed our marriage certifciate. I am trying to see the best of this but now I find myself lusting over other men and my thoughts of what an ideal man would be. I don't really see an end to this misery but to leave. I feel like I am being selfish because my kids love their dad, but I am miserable and now it's to the point where I really want to cry about it. I need help and don't know where to turn other than God. Prayer is good, but I am still unhappy. I don't want to be discontent and complain, but I don't know what to do.

kharris11 kharris11
22-25, F
Feb 28, 2010