Most nights since the Event happened, ive been having these dreams of normal daily activity. And in everyone of them, i come to the realization that MJ is no longer here. I kinda sorta have these nightmares now. I cant escape the hurt i feel for him, not even in my slumber. Everyday i feel like some part of me has been snatched out of me. A huge part of whoever i was before June 25th. I love Mike. I always have. He didnt deserve all the things that has happened to him over the decades. None of it.
I never thought of him in any negative way. I always appreciated how different he is from everyone else. I admire the effort he put into his work. The dedication.
I was at work when i heard. To be honest. That day before i found out, i felt really weird. Like something wasnt right. I thought i was just being my manic self, but the way i felt that day, i had never experienced in any manic attack. I felt something i had never felt before a certain emptiness. Then i found out that he left this world. I couldnt believe it.
It didnt even sink in for real until i got home, and my sister had to pull me out of my car. My thought was "If i get out of the car, Michael isnt alive anymore." I couldnt even walk, my legs just gave out under me. Luckily i fell down in the house and not outside of my house. MTV had this tribute special going on and the bottom of the screen said, "Michael Jackson is survived by 3 children."
I hate all of this crying and emptiness on the inside. I never imagined or even thought that dreams were capable of death. I wanted to die so bad. I had never experienced physical pain like that before. Because of my bi polar, i am able to withstand pain, but the bi polar wasnt strong enough to withstand the pain i felt that day. The torment on the inside.
I love Michael Jackson. I really do. And for him to leave the world the way he did, really hurts. Nothing seems the same. Everything seems plain. Nothing really seems bright. God, i love Michael. i wanted to die so bad that day. I just hope that this lifetime i can achieve my Gnosis so that i can escape this world. I now more than ever do not want to cycle back here. Not with Mike gone.
I loved him second in my life, my mother was the first person i loved. Then came along my ex stepfather and my baby sister. Growing up, the first couple of years in my life mom played alot of Jackson 5, the Jacksons, and then Michael Jackson. Most memories of my childhood involve Michael in some way. It's just not fair.
At least i know i will never feel pain like that again. Nothing will ever hurt like that again.