People Say I Don't Let Enough Out

Well here is my book. I was a normal kid I was a young kid happy as hell and enjoying being a kid running and playing with friends and my parents. My parents went out for a night out and my grandparents came to pick me up. I knew something wasn't right but I never knew that my entire life would change. I was told my parents had been killed in a car accident. I didn't know what to do. Plain and simple I was like a ghost walking around going through motions. I became an orphan at 7 I found out I was going to an orphanage 2 weeks after my parents died. Later i had to go to therapy and talk to a person about how I feel. How do you think I felt? The only thing that was solid in my life crumbled. I had no anchor. I had no family that wanted me. I felt alone in a world full of people. I cried alone at night curled up my arms wrapped across my body the warmth of my own arms giving me the warmth the illusion of being hugged and comforted by a person. the sadness turned from depression and loneliness to anger and power. I am angry plain and simple. In an orphanage was like a home for lost dreams everybody was insecure and trying to feel better about themselves. I was picked on a lot by the older boys. I found out I had to fight back. I stand up for myself and at a young age I found out I was strong both mentally and physically. I learned nobody was going to stand up for me so I better do it my god damn self. I was moved around from foster home to different orphanages. Fights began to be a daily thing in my life because if I fought people left me alone. It also grabbed peoples attention and they knew my name and who I was. But atage 14 I got into a fight where I picked up a guy by his legs and lifted him above my head and slammed him head first into concrete. His eyes were open and Just laid there as blood pulled around his head I thought for sure I killed him. I ran. I waited for the cops to come pick me up but it never happened. I went to school everyone knew about the fight at school so I knew police would know I did it. I went to school an saw the kid standing walking laughing 27 stitches and a concussion but alive. I knew right then I had to change my life. I began studying and busting my *** reading books. I tried to stay out of everything both good, bad, and social and realized that the solitude would eventually make me go crazy. I was moved again into a home with an abusive foster parent. I went to that foster home at 16 and my foster parent and I got into a fight. His favorite thing to do was grab me by the back of the head and push my head into the table when I was studying and call me a nerd or loser and that no one cared about me. I took it day after day. However one day he pushed my head into the table and put a cigar out on the back of my neck. That's when I snapped we fought in the kitchen until I threw him down the steps. I left and went to a boys home. That is when my aunt and uncle decided to get in touch with me. I didn't return calls or letters. They showed up one day to the home and decided to invite me into their home. I had nothing but animosity towards these people that had a chance to be my anchor at one time and instead of planting their feet and taking me they sidestepped me all together. I ended our conversation and went back to my room. I stayed at the boys home until I was 18. The only good thing about the boys home is that the owner of the boys home let me work on the farm that I own today. I hit it off with the man that owned it and he sold it to me cheap. I had a truck and a piece of land and camped on it going through college. I met Amanda in the late 18th year of my life we dated and I found out I wanted to be a Dom, and that I grew quite fond of her. We had great conversations and a strong connection. We made plans to move back to her home town and that her family would take me in and be like the family that i never had. I dated her for almost 3 years until I received an offer for the job I have today I didn't move and she went back home. It was the dream job that I wanted, however I believe that the chance of having a family, and someone to care about me caused me to turn away from her for fear of her or her family discarding me leaving me alone again. I don't want to ever go through the feeling of being discarded again. I got Zeus 2 months before we broke up. Now that I have him I'm so glad that I have him and that he makes me smile. We're both solitary and enjoy our space but look out for each other. My first year at my job I never traveled. But now I travel all the time. My anchor is now my home my peace in a world of annoyance and frustration. I now live my life the way I do. I don't try to please other I walk with a purpose, and stand tall because there is no other person in this world that made me who I am besides me. I hope you enjoyed this story. But please do not post a comment giving sympathy to me I do not want pity.
Brian1mccalister Brian1mccalister
22-25, M
4 Responses Jan 20, 2013

Well good for you

I didn't read it all. This story isnt true and you should keep up with the stories you tell. You should delete the story that says," I was 4 months old when my parents died, I hate my family for not taking me in, what can a four month old do to make you turn him down." From my understanding you were 4months. Not 7. Which story is true?

I was 7 people ask less questions if you're that young, to be honest I have always had a problem coming to terms with it, I never liked discussing it. And when people did get me to discuss it I would want me to speak about it and they just acknowledge it. But people would always ask about how I felt that is why I I changed it to four months, no one ever asks you how you felt if you we're only four months old. For that I do apologize. It wasn't fair to people to read this but even on this site I felt I couldn't be open. But several people on this site have gotten me to speak about it and to come to terms with it so to speak.

LOVE your story!!!! You are living in the solution NOT the problem!! BRAVO & KUDOS to you baby!!

I am glad you are finding your way.