The Day You Left

This is the first time I'm doing this. So I guess I'll start at the beginning. When I was in grade school I didn't have any siblings. I would get lonely a lot. I would always be by myself playing with my toys. My parents were too busy worrying about there jobs and the bill so they didn't have a lot of time for me. I didn't have much friends either cause I was soooo shy when I was a kid and I still kinda am haha. Then my parents went their separate ways. Just when I thought it couldn't get any lonelier. I stayed with my dad and we had to live with my grandparents for awhile. I somewhat remember the day she left us. I remember crying so hard and grabbing her hand so she wouldn't go. My grandma told me that I would go outside on the driveway for a the longest time like as if I was looking for something. I would walk in circles and when I was tired I would sit on the ground. Eventually someone would call me inside so I couldn't be out there forever. I did that for awhile but eventually I stopped going outside and just forgot. I tried to block out the memory cause it was just so painful. Then she came back. But I think only because my dad would nag her about being with her only son. I think if she had a choice she would of left us and never looked back. She isn't the easiest person to get along with. Even as a kid we never really had a bond. Years later my dad got remarried. My step-mom was beautiful, kind, and gentle. She would want to bring me everywhere we went. I thought maybe this is how a mother's warmth would feel like. We even got a new house. But then it hit us out of nowhere. She left too. But this time I couldn't stop her. All she left was a note. Just a stupid note. Not even a goodbye. I didn't really know what was going on. My dad held me so tight and he was crying and it started to make me cry too. So we cried together. Then my mom got custody over me. I heard she gave the judge so many lies. I have no reason to doubt it cause its what she would do. The only reason why she was with me is so she could have child support money. So she can go spend it on anything she wants. She spent some on me here and there just so she can say that she spends money on me. She always kept this image of herself in front of others. She took everything away from my dad. When my dad lost me he went to chase after that good-for-nothing step-mom of mine. I would see my dad every other weekend and sometimes only once a month. We grew apart after that. People always stayed and left as the pleased in my life. I've forgotten what a parents love for their children felt like. Its been so long. I think because I've never really been cared for or bonded with that I don't really know how to bond with others. Its so hard living with people that are your parents but never really feeling the love and affection of them. I mean you mine as well be living by yourself. I've got this far without anyone's help. I can stand on my own two legs and if I fall I will make myself get back up. In reality I'm still that kid in the driveway, walking in circles looking for something. Maybe someday I'll find it.
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Feb 13, 2012