Post

I Search For You

I am always thinking about the purpose of life, the 'reality' of existence, trying to logically fit the pieces of the puzzle together, trying to understand, trying to find answers, trying to find you..... I am always looking for signs, searching eyes, listening for words of wisdom. I'm always trying to find a message. a sign. a hint.

I listen to everyone. I listen to the person who is asking me for money, walking on the street, stopping me at my car, telling me she is cold and hungry. I look into her eyes. They are glazed over with some addiction. I listen for words of wisdom from her lips. I listen to the prophets. I read their words and ponder their ideals. I think about their practical use, and how I can use their knowledge for my everyday waking life. I listen to my employees. I let their words sink into me. I listen to their hopes. I imagine their lives. One told me today that she believes life is hell. I ponder that as truth, and my compassion for her grows. My heart breaks. When I look at their days off request form, and read the reasons why... Setting up my neices birthday party... family gathering... going to a wedding... etc. I feel such joy for them. I imagine them setting up the party, with love in their hearts. Putting up the balloons. I imagine their anticipation for their neice to see the decorations. To eat the cake. to open presents. I feel joy for them. I smile and try my best to make sure they do not have to work on that day.

I find snippets of wisdom everywhere, especially when I least expect it. There's always some small (or large) message to be gleaned if your ears are open for hearing it. Sometimes I find a message so relevent to what I was specifically seeking, that it stirs fear and excitement within me....

I think about 'life'.. about their lives.. about the life of that stranger looking at the books in the store... about the life of that child stomping because he wants to ride the escalator again... about the life of the clerk looking at her phone, probably checking the time...

I try to string all the messagesand images together, to make a story. The story is a great novel. It is a story of hope, a story of struggle, a story of motivation, a story of failure, a story of triumph after all, a story of ressurection. It is a great and interesting novel, the novel of life.

I look into the eyes of every person I meet. I see that light in there. You know the one I am talking about. I see it and I connect with it. I acknowledge it. Sometimes, it shy's away. I think it can feel me. Usually, it recognizes me. It acknowledges me. And then I feel safe.

I feel safe, but I still feel alone. I feel segregated. I feel apart from it all. I feel hungry. yearning. Through the noise of living. The joy and tears. The fear and bravery. The happiness and pain, there is a quiet soft sadness. There is a small broken heart. but I have not yet discovered it's pain. It is missing someone, but I know not who.

I search my dreams. .. yes.. my dreams. and there, I find what I am looking for.

but then I wake to the tick tock tick tock tick tock of the empty room.. to the frosted window... to the scent of linen and sleep. and there it is again... that very quiet pain.......
DreamChristine DreamChristine 31-35, F 44 Responses Dec 31, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

You have a mind that is abstract and is open to many possibilities, and things. You are what we call searching, and has a passion for higher learning. Please continue to seek out wisdom and knowledge as you will benefit greatly from the experiences you have and have yet to see.

Did you come up with this?! It's amazing!

Yes, and Thanks so much =)

¿Alone? Can't you see all of you is made of the same elements of the magnificent universe, every person, every living being, every rock, from the beauty of a sunrise over the sea to the epicenes of a nebulae we are all part of it.
You are not here to understand the mystery of life, that is beyond the already titanic capacity of our logic/processing organ (brain) as it will take each of us decades to decode and understand what the universe has done in millions of years, why us, why here, and now what are you supposed to do.

Yet what you are experiencing is one of the most privileged abilities that today’s people lack because of an always preoccupied mind, you are able to look deeper and appreciate in an extraordinary level of detail "life happening" but you are missing the first more important thing, even though you are here to become whoever you want (name it billionaire, inventor, fighting for nature, a family dad) you were placed to enjoy, participate and bring joy to anyone around you, make in any way you can a better life for people around you, every single day of your life, the most important thing is the journey "not the destination".

Thank you for reading my story and for your comments and insight! I really appreciate what you wrote and its definitely interesting to think about. *hugs*

This is fantastic. I really am taken by your words. Wonderful.

Thank you so much! =)

that was most poetic

Thank you so much for thinking so =)

The most important thing is that you do listen.
all to often people go through life without listening to anyone except themselves.

Thank you. I think you are right lol

Is there not a real possibility that living with the uncertainty of final answers is part of the adventure we have chosen?

It is definitely something to think about... Guess I have a deeply inquisitive mind that hungers for answers lol

Truly, the interchange with a stranger, any heart talk, maybe even friends are best of all. But still, don't we wish to be at the top of somebody's value list...hopefully balanced with the desire to do the same for someone else? But I also believe or wish I did, that no one but myself can ever hope to live with, accept or even have affection for "that quiet pain"

It definitely gives one something to think about. Thanks for understanding my writing & I appreciate your comments.

I hope that tomorrow, you find what you seek..........not someday soon, not next year.......tomorrow. To dwell in solitude.................one starts to lose their mind and their spirit. Don't lose your spirit. ~ Tim

Thanks =)

You have many more years to find the answers you seek. However for every question answered the book does not close. You turn the page and more questions appear. Answers never come easy. Where are we really in the continuum of life? Are we alone? Is this as good as it gets? I am sad as a baby boomer as to what a mess my generation has made of things. Our children will pay for the selfishness and corruption we have allowed to happen. Too many questions and not enough answers. We continue to seek the truth, some of us. Far to many live for themselves only. I ask myself, if I had the opportunity to live two life times would I want to? Would you?

Thanks for your response and insight. Very deep things to think about and consider. Thank you

Two lives...I think not, unless some background wisdom were retained, enabling me to have different prorities. But still there would be pain, sorrow, pleasure and joy...how could it be otherwise?

An amazingly poignant piece. It starts with awareness, compassion and empathy and ends with the sadness of being alone.

Really, really beautiful.

Thanks so much for your comments! I appreciate it. :)

This really touched me... Especially the part about connecting to the light in each person's eyes... And of course, the quiet pain. I hope you know how beautifully you write.

Thank you WindSylph. Your comments mean a lot to me, and I appreciate them. I'm glad you liked the writing. :) ♥

the thirst to seek,hunger to taste wht would be more tasty than wht we taste and keen interest and desire and painful desire to meet the strong need of heart,unknown pull which pulls heart and we dnt knw destination yet ready to fly towards it....all these things and tyhen finding signs of wht we seek,signs and answers in daily routine of things which happen to be moving in our thoyughts...all these things are perhaps workings of soul and heart and pull of tht Creator Who created us and would call us back to Him with love and fulfill promise of meeting with Him again which the man would have demanded from His Loving Creator at the time when He sent man to this world for trials!really felt identification with yr story and thank you for sharing it!

Thank you for the comments. I feel you really understand my thoughts and feelings. Thank you ♥

welcm dear!

Love it- thank you

Thank you for reading it and commenting =)

nice...i love it

Thanks =)

Not only you are a thinker but you are also an emotional person isnt it? I can identify with some of your thoughts as I remember thinking about the same stuff,its nice that you think like that but has your thinking led you to any concluson about what you think?

I think that it's natural to have conclusions.. however, I try no to get stuck in any conclusion, especially because of the flowing ever-changing nature of life. I feel that, for me, it is better to remain curious and open until the answer is 100%.. and even then , to always have that open-ness...

Christine,

First thank you for you add on, and friendship! I will always say thank you for I thankful to get to know you. I feel the smae things you feel, and simpky love reading all your stories, peoms, questions ;-), I get this instant good feeling for truthfully we see and feel the same things. Trying to find the good in every situation, and in people regrdless of the situation. Yes we can heal the world one person at a time. For some of these folks who don't listen it takes the worth things to happen to them before they Get it. I look forward to reading more, befriending each other and having a great time! ;-) Peter, Have a truly wonderful Friday, and Weekend x x

Thanks Peter. I appreciate your comments and understanding & look forward to our friendship too. :)

Thanks Christine ;-), Hope you and your daughter are having a lovely weekend. It is truly a lovely day here in San Diego. Sadly it will thunderstorm tomorrow. I to am looking forward to our friendship. I feel good everytime I read ytour stories. It is almost like I there with you and we chatting. :-)

She was like that. Finally, after years, she wrote letters to him. Then one day she called for him.

Very soon after, I answered. Yes, it really does happen.

She would say that the pain is there for a reason, that we are not meant to avoid it. It is our path, and we should embrace it. It teaches.

Still, I am sorry for your pain. I hope that the the pain of your isolation is soon erased by joy.

Thanks for the kind words. ♥

We learn every day if we open our eyes to the things around us.

Beautifully,insightfully, and so intelligently written. Thankyou :)

Thanks for the nice comments! =)

I could have written this about myself, I have come to the realization that I am empathic and this is why I am the way I am. You need to learn to protect yourself so you do not take on the feelings of others. If you do not do that you will feel disconnect to yourself. You deserve to find your happiness and it does not mean you need to give up your abilities. I believe they are a God given blessing and you are meant to be the best person you can be, help those within your power to do so. But you also need to take care of your emotional wellbeing it's not okay for you to feel separated from life, I wish you the best.

hmmm, thanks for the response. I have been told I am empathetic before, but I really haven't looked too much into that. I will have to look into it more to see what it is all about, since it has come up a few times now in my life.

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.

You are a special women with beautiful intention. I'm sure you will find what you are looking for. Best

Thanks for the nice words. i appreciate them.

Welcome :)

you write beautifully!!

Thanks =)

Sounds so familiar. It sure did make me smile.

Thanks for reading. Im glad it made you smile. =)

Smart cookie!

lol, thanks =)

i read your story and loved it. i felt the tension you described. my newest way with quiet pain and loneliness is to embrace it and resonate with it, make it mine. Then it subsides, as though satisfied by acceptance.

Thank you for reading and relating to my post, and for the very wise advice. I appreciate you.

..and your replies convey a generosity of spirit that i find rare and refreshing. Cheers!

:) Cheers too! =)

Christine, the one you are searching for is just there in everything you see and sense
your way of expressing those great moments is just simple yet amazing
Being alive is a great gift for each of us.. sometimes the truth may astray from our eyes but in hangs there in every small detail of the world. it's just a matter of understanding those details.. whom you are looking for is just a tender loving one yet very wise..
but I have a question, have you ever found satisfying answers?

At times, I may find an answer that I ponder. Like a fine wine, letting it roll in my spirit, and I may feel sated for a while, but in the end, I do return to that sense of unfulfillment, to be honest.

Thanks for these wise words and for taking the time to read my post.

I often feel like I miss someone and I just don't know who they are yet too. I sometimes wonder if being more concerned fror other people causes me to let this potential person slip away from me while I try to help them find something to make them feel good about who they are.

Thats a very wise psychoanalysis of self. I have heard of people doing this, and thus self sacrificing what might have been, but we have to embrace who we are and our gifts, I think. Even if at times, it hinders us from attaining what we think we may want in that moment....

Thanks for reading and for your comments.

I feel that I am stuck somewhere in life have always felt that way ,and like you though i am looking for my place not sure where it is but I tend to scan everyone and everywhere I go just to see if there is a sign for my being.

Maybe that is what it is. I read this to my best friend and she said it's like I have an ability to completely accept everyone and appreciate and love all these different people, but I have no sense of community and no feeling of 'belonging'... maybe you both have a point.

Not sure if it matters but i am a Leo and I just like to help others not so much myself I am living a solitude life and have done for years after Separated from partner and would rather help someone else than looking after my own needs.
Love your writing by the way .

Thank you for your comments and sharing about yourself. I appreciate it.

I am kind of like that too. community belonging......I have a couople of places to go like the tv show Cheers.... people accept me in a way thaqt is warm and friendly, at least when I go in to order my stuff. I usually get a blast of belonging that means something to me.

That sounds awesome.

2 More Responses

No warmth in the eyes of strangers baby ( Bruce Springsteen lyric) Maybe you could focus a little more on actual relationships. You sound like a great person

I get bored very easily... I'm looking for something deeper in life.

I love your writing here, but I wonder - will you only fill that quiet empty space when you you rein in your many threads of fascination? To be tracking so many lives and thoughts you are in danger of losing yourself. Have you watched the film 'Amelie'? You two have something in common.

Thanks! Maybe the self is not really something to lose, since over time, we tend to be many people, and always changing and never really the same as we were before... I have watched Amelie, it was a really great film. :)

Thanks for reading & sharing your thoughts. I appreciate the comments.

I don't think that all of us 'tend to be many people' over time: this is the pattern for a particular kind of person. It is a strong trait in the lives of a few of my friends. We all have our ways of viewing + experiencing the world, and it can sometimes be so hard to see the world as anyone else sees it. From what I understand of your writing, you want to bring joy to other people by engaging in their circumstances. If you remember from the film, Amelie became transfixed by this - until the 'Glass Man' (using the medium of a Renoir paining) pointed out that Amelie would never address her own primary need for so long as she was focused on sorting out other people's lives. This is the thing that I was alluding to. Your aspirations are admirable, but they come at a cost to yourself and your own heart's desire.

hmm, yea, i will have to re-watch the film, as it has been many years. Maybe I didn't pick up the gist of the story then. I think when I said we tend to be many people over time, what I mean is that we change as we learn and grow. I am not the same person I was at 2 yrs old, nor at 13 etc. There is a common thread of 'who I am' throughout, but due to learning and having life experiences, I mean that it changes a person.

I dont feel as though I want to be a part of their lives perse', but perhaps to have known that feeling in my life at points. for example, seeing a family enjoying Christmas together... it brings tears to my eyes, and makes me feel .. I guess 'shorted' for never having had that, etc.

I do see yoru points though, and considering I did go into Psychology (And other things about my life, like always caring for other people) is a trait I have. So I do tend to focus on helping others, moreso than focusing on my self too much I guess. :)