Panic Attack

Panic Attack
Last night I had a panic attack. It started with me losing my gourd at my fiancé. For some reason frustration has been building up in me for a number of weeks and this isn’t the first time that this sort of thing has happened. What seems to make these things manifest is that I spend most of my time trying to be the best and considerate person that I can be and eventually I collapse through nervous exhaustion and often strike out, as trying to be above human can leave the desire to be subhuman grappling for some air time.

I sometimes disintegrate and need assistance yet passionately hate actually bothering anyone. I’ve done this my whole life. This is mostly because I am a deeply emotional, sensitive and creative individual. Being deeply sensitive is, for the majority, unacceptable for most humans. Folks don’t like it. The result is a life long feeling of shame for being the person that I am. I’m terrible at asking for help as I’ve learnt that exposing emotions is often met with heavy discomfort, sometimes ridicule and even, at times, anger. To save myself from these reaction I have, since I was very young, done everything I could to avoid exposing others to my emotions, the next thing you know I’m hyperventilating, curling up in emotional agony and weeping uncontrollably for hours on end. It’s very tiring and deeply worrying for anyone that sees it.

Another factor and catalyst for these episodes is that I concern myself with mankind a lot. I, against all apparent evidence, continue to believe that the human race is far better than it has actually been to date, that it is capable of lifting itself up and evolving on from the primordial state that it is in. By this I mean that we are doing exactly the same things that we’ve done since we were cave dwellers. We simply say “I like what you have, it will make people respect me if I have it, it will give me power, I want what you have, I am going to take what you have!” either that or we perceive somebody as wanting what we’ve got and defend against attack. We are unable to see that there is far more than enough for all of us and that peace is a simple a shift in thought away. We have not evolved at all yet, but I believe that we can.

The older I get the more that this idealism struggles for survival. I see people being hurt and in turn hurting others. I see the lack of connection between us rotting us, and the environment around us and it all becomes too much. I break. I see the fear in everyone’s eyes, the fear that their ego my be challenged, that the ground that they believe to be real will simply fall away and uncertainty will envelope them. I see that most people MUST put others down to perpetuate the illusion that we have the slightest clue of what’s going on when, in fact, the wisest know that we haven’t begun to create an iota of clue as to what is really going on in our world, in our universe, in the multitude of other universes.

Fear runs our lives and I see it. Unlike some, though, I see this uncertainty as a positive starting point. For most it promotes anger and anger makes us strike out.

I want to be pure again. I want to remove the damage that has been done to me and I want to forgive myself for the damage that I have inflicted on others as a knock on effect because of fear and anger.

I want to be free again, I want to be clean. I know that it is possible. I know that I can be better than this because, as the man says, I must “be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Somehow I have to be this and not become saddened by our conduct to the point of emotional incapacitation. A tall order, and it starts by surrounding myself with the right kind of information. Good, hopeful and inspiring information.

So here goes. Wish me luck.
flyingmonkey03 flyingmonkey03
36-40, M
Jan 10, 2013