I was born into the wrong family. Let me explain. I have dreams, and I just got into an argument with my father about school. I am transferring schools again in order to try and get a degree that will lead me to a life I actually want to live. I am the "do it yourself" type and I see absolutely no need for school. I can do things myself. Financial security is second on my list to happiness, and I do not used stand why I am expected to go to school to make my parents happy. And my parents are happy because they believe that will be happiest doing what THEY thin is best for me. This is where the "I was born into the wrong family" part comes in. My parents and other family members care too much, in no way do I have any hatred towards them. They are just frustrating. I am privileged enough for my after to pay for most of my school. However, I wish it wasn't this way. I wish i was one of those people in high school who's parents had no money and were kicked out of their house at 18. People would care less about what I do and what future I could lead, and I would have more freedom. But if I were to move out and live off of nothing my family would see me as a failure. But that's what I need to do, I have to move out and do what I want and do everything I can to achieve my dreams for the next 10 years, and just maybe I would succeed. But I can't, I would be known as that person in the family that have up everything they ha going for them and got nothing out of it. But if only my family didn't give a ****. That would be perfect. I could do things on my own terms and play guitar until my oblivion. Interesting, my family, of which is the most important thing in my life is the thing that holds me back from my full potential.

I will not be happy unless I fulfill my dreams, No matter how much money I make or who I meet. I don't want a wife or a family for that matter. I'm different, MUCH different. In 3 years if I don't listen to my heart, I will have a degree that is essentially useless. Part of me wants to move to California and say bye to everyone until I'm happy and my dreams are fulfilled. I want to leave my life as I know it for awhile. Music is so much of me that it can't be described. If I was in a desert dying and I had the choice to listen to music until the second I died, or have enough food to last me another day to hope for someone to rescue me, I would choose music. Every time. My desire to fulfill my dreams is strong, and all of us can do it, but I truly fell that my desire is much stronger than the average person. I'm lost. I am not suicidal now, but in 10 years when I am unbearably unhappy, I will probably kill myself, all I want is happiness. And to me, if my dreams aren't reached then I can't be happy, so death is the next closest thing. Not now though, I have things to do. You know, when people say that you only have one life and to live it how you want, If everyone actually listened to this advice, the world would be a much better place. I don't care about myself, I care for others too much, so much to where it is inevitable to care about anyone but myself, because I am the only one that can fulfill my desire to make others happy. Funny isn't it.

I am not religious, but I often think about heaven, and what It actually is. A never ending consciousness of happiness. This makes me think, wouldn't any existence in an eternal place be hell, eventually?
I strongly support atheism and discredit Christianity because people think that an eternal world of happiness would be perfect. But I start to think about it, and all that I want is happiness, so maybe total happiness never would get old. Maybe happiness is powerful enough to be perfect for eternity.
All I want is to be happy, but in order to be happy, I must achieve my dreams, and in order to achieve my dreams, I must make others unhappy. But the hope of my dreams is to bring happiness to all. So, what the **** do I do.

I need to leave my life and be on my own. I could do it too, but I fear wen I finally come back, my previous life will not be as it was.
Lateralus07 Lateralus07
22-25, M
4 Responses Sep 1, 2014

There is a battle inside me that is so great that I can't even imagine the outcome. I'm rooting for music to win. And in turn, I will win. And if I win, everyone wins.

Music to me is the equivalent to sex, love and trust all combined in one for everyone else. If I ever went deaf, I would kill myself so fast it would be unreal, I literally cannot live without music. It's necessary to live, without it I would know nothing. When I say that music is sexual to me, I actually mean it, I can literally get off to music. Music is me, and I am music. It is a force that must travel through a medium, same as love or trust is, and that medium is itself.

I feel as lost right now as the earth is lost in the universe.

But it's too god damn selfish to leave my family behind. I truly wish for once, that I was the only one that cared about me.