It's Safe To Say I've Fallen Off The Path

I was a good kid growing up, well as good as most kids are. I started smoking weed when I was 17, the same year my mom was diagnosed with cancer, not that I can blame it on that. I experimented a bit with everything; Ecstasy, Cocaine, Crystal-Meth, LSD, MDMA, but I always knew there was a line that shouldn't be crossed. When my mom passed away I edged closer to that line. My mind is extremely erratic, so I used substances to numb myself down, just to stop the thoughts and intense feelings for a little while, but I was still very much in control. Six months after my mom had died, I came home one afternoon, to witness my father commit suicide. I won't go into details here. It's been a year now since that tragedy, and I have fallen down the spiral, flat on my freaking face . I am addicted to Methcathinone, or it's street name Kat. I still have a measure of control though, I don't get any bad cravings, and I can go without it for weeks, but I always go back to it, back to making idiotic decisions, it's just the way that it's affecting my life. I lie for reasons that make no sense, I push away friends, my body's getting weak, I can't hold a job(although this is because I find society ridiculous, and simply reality as a whole), it feels like I have lost all will to change. I keep telling my brother and my friends that I will do better(they don't know the full extent of my addiction, I have become irritatingly good at lying, I try to show them, because I am unable to tell the truth, I can't face the disappointment and hurt this will inflict upon them), but I never do. I also use MDMA whenever I get the chance. The only time I feel alive is when I'm on drugs, dancing until my legs collapse, lost between each sound. But worse than my brother's disappointment, is that which I have in myself. I hate the fact that I am intelligent and simply wasting it away, distracting myself, every chance I get, so afraid of my own thoughts, the idea of failure succumbs me every time, before I even start to try. I don't even tell myself that I'm going to try and change anymore, because I'm sick of lying to myself, of lying to the people that still see good in me. I had an ambition to change the world. Now I don't know who I am, I don't know what the f### I'm doing. At least for once I could be honest, that is all that I want. Tomorrow my body will be weak again, probably some nosebleeds to look forward to, another day I will waste.
TidalSurge TidalSurge
22-25, M
Dec 15, 2012