When Did He Change? And Why...

We met when I was 15, he 16...we met during a bad time in my life so it wasn't long before we were both wanting to run away and get married....we did, he 18, me 17.....'there were signs along the way, that he might not be as enthusiastic as I was, but I ignored them because 1. I was too young to know what they meant and 2. I needed him in my life......we got through our twenties, raising two sons, got through our thirties, moved on to better jobs, houses, etc...and now we are in our early 50s...and this is where I realized he isn't who I thought he was....I now believe he married me because he had nothing better going on, and that it is with me now out of obligatory love not the real kind....did I ever know the real kind?  really?  I don't  think so....I will go to my grave not knowing it for sure, how sad.

It started in our thirties, when my oldest son was 12 and youngest 4.....my 12 yr old played baseball, and I had for the first time in my marriage felt like I had made some female friends at the baseball field....during practices I would sit with these women and laugh and feel like a school girl again....I was enjoying having a son playing sports....Then one day my husband seemed distracted and distant, I asked him what was wrong, he refused to say....finally after about a week of this, he came up with this story....."On my way home the other saturday after helping with the clean up of the baseball field, a man approached me, I didn't know him, but he said my name....and then said "I think your wife is having an affair"......

I asked my husband what the man looked like, he described a nondescript person, I asked if he had the wrong person, he told me he knew my first name and his.....I was dumbfounded and hurt....hurt that my husband had actually been considering this as an option, and didn't get any information from a man who tells him something so inflammatory about his wife...the mother of his kids who play on the very field.......I had no reason to not believe my husband, a man I had trusted with my life.....so I was convinced that it was another mother who may not have liked me for some unknown reason....but I didn't know that many people there, just the people on my son's team.....and didn't know them that well....I became very embarassed privately because I believed my husband...I was afraid to be at the field during games, I never stayed at practices anymore, I wasn't very friendly because I didn't know who could have tried to hurt me like that.....time came and went, years as a matter of fact before I would get my husband to admit he made the whole scene up......I knew it had to be because I knew I had never been unfaithful, and no one knew me there to not like me.....I was trying to fit in, be a regular mom with friends.....but it didn't happen then, and has never happened because of that incident...it seemed like everytime I made a friend something happened to ruin it....since I was fifteen....before I met my husband....so I pretty much gave up on friendships.....but kept the marriage....

In my forties I tried to focus on our life together and thought it would always be the same, but in my fifties, I see that this man I loved for 36 years is now a different person....he is more like the father who was too busy to raise him......don't ever let anyone tell you genetic act alikes are not real....I see my father in law in my husband in ways that shock me.....the way he shuts down emotionally, the way he criticizes, the way he holds everyone at arms lenght including his wife and kids but would deny that.....

Each week now he does something to show me how very little he cares for me.....he may love me out of obligation, but not because he needs me, in  fact, he makes me feel like a burden.....I have had my share of minor health concerns in the last 7 years....and he makes me feel guilty, as well as a burden....I know he isn't happy, I know he wants something different, and I don't begrudge him that, after all, it was I who loved him unconditionally, I want him to be happy....it hurts me to think I don't make him happy, that my inability to move through life without showing grief, unhappiness or sorrow can bring him down.... I am still attractive so everyone says, I dont look my age they say.....but what good does that do if the person you have been loyal to feels bored and let down?

He came from a broken home with a father who flew the coop when he was very small, and a mother who parked her kids at the grandparents house and went out and had a life......yet he says he has no issues....his refusal to admit that somehow adds to the problems, but the emotional distance is like an unseen but felt screen between him and me, if  he was gone tomorrow I couldn't tell you that much about him....do I even know him?  I think not...yet, I am still here, being the ever faithful wife.....I overlooked his self esteem issues, his obvious jealousy issues and many more...he thinks he is perfect.....I know he sounds more like a sociopath than a husband.....

the wounds I have are all invisible, they are emotional....but they are real....It is much too embarassing to discuss this with anyone..and besides, there is no one to discuss it with.....remember, I have no friends......I know that I will be here as long as he will have me, but if he wants out, I would let him go because I always heard "if you love something, you will set it free"......JusB

JusB JusB
51-55, F
Feb 19, 2010