Addicted To Slash FanfictionI am a recovering slash fanfiction addict. I have been struggling with this for eight years, and it is a very real affliction. For years I have asked myself what the draw is—why am I so compelled? I have an obsessive nature, yes, but I’ve always been heterosexual.
Part of it is the draw of fantasy, slipping away from reality into other worlds. I’ve been an avid reader since third grade, but reading fanfiction is somehow different from reading books.
What about the slash? Why slash? I spent much time addicted as a non-believer, but plenty of time reading and participating as a believer. Even after settling with my feelings about homosexuality, and knowing in my heart that it cannot work, even after knowing this I could somehow overlook it and indulge again in the fantasy world.
I believe the Bible. I believe in its utter infallibility. I know from being in a relationship with my boyfriend, then fiance, now husband how God means for us to experience love and sex. I know these as facts, yet there’s still the temptation.
I live with what some people call “slash-goggles,” as funny as that sounds it’s serious. They’ve been lessened some in the past few years. Bob and I have done several marriage groups at the church and studied the dynamics in husband and wife relationships, and this has helped. Being involved in the church, being with Bob, trying to walk closer and closer to Christ, asking for the desire to be taken from me—all of these things have helped.
But the temptation remains. It will always be there. I believe as humans we all sin differently, and certain sins plague us more than others. I like to call them “pet sins” or “vices” and mine is this compulsions towards fantasy or the forbidden in the form of male on male relationships. I know my sexuality has been affected by the years and years of reading fanfiction. I’m not going to get into details, but comparing feelings after reading to feelings being with my husband indicates to me that I have changed the way my mind causes my body to respond to things.
My mother is an alcoholic, my husband is a recovering **** addict. I believe that my addiction is just as real as theirs, even if there are no studies on this yet. The internet is only about seventeen years old, and so there are few support groups for this yet, because a lot of people don’t know it’s a problem. It’s humiliating to have to explain this intensely private struggle to people when it manifests in my life. I had to explain to my grandmother why I couldn’t watch White Collar with her anymore.
Sin twists our world, and takes healthy sexuality and makes it into some other desire, and I believe that one of the ways it manifests is in slash fanfiction. It is an epidemic, and the world is just beginning to hear of it. There’s a generation of people suffering from my same addiction, believing and non-believing both.
I want people to know. I have tried to find a support group, and have had little luck. This is the only site I’ve found.
Everything on this site that I’ve read is an accurate representation of the fear and struggle of this addiction.
The problem is, it is difficult to find others with whom to talk without finding actual fanfiction. I am hesitant to search further because while trying to find the above page or something like it, I had to wade through links to stories.
I know there’s a huge group of people who will think this is a load of crap. But from my experiences, and from what my faith tells me, I know this to be a highly addictive, emotionally-debilitating, sexuality-affecting problem. I used it as escapism, I read fanfiction during class in high school, which I barely graduated. I lied to my husband about it, I lied to my grandmother about it, I lied to myself about it. I would read the strangest kinks in the stories—things that I would not have any interest in in a real sexual situation. I would stay up all night and not talk to anyone, snap at anyone who bothered me. I withdrew from society, from friends. I used fiction as a drug to make me happy, and the high always, always ended, after which I felt empty and miserable. There’s always a fall, a crash.
I will add to this testimony at a later date with samples of writing from this time in my life that better portray the vicious cycle and the truth that fanfiction is not fulfilling. Right now I just wanted to share a bit of my story, because I find there’s not much support for people trying to get out of the pattern, out of the “fandom” world.
Until next time. I hope this helps someone.