A Fat Girl's Thoughts On Loss A Nd Grief

Hi.It's me again.Today was my brothers' 50th birthday.I wish he was here to celebrate it.You see,he passed away in October of 2009.This got me to remembering what I felt when he passed away and when my mother passed away.I remember being there holding my mother's hand and watching the life leave her eyes.I was extremely close to my mother and I often say I was by her side from the day I was born untill the day she passed away.I remember she couldn't speak in her final moments,but,just before she died,after 4 days of not speaking,she looked at me and softly said,"I loe you"I remember walking in the room and seeing my brother laying in the hospital bed.He was ina coma due to a massive brain hemmorrage,all these tubes and wires were connected to him.He seemed so small in that bed.I remember sitting with him for hours,never speaking,but pleading with him to come back,begging him through strangled sobs not to leave,begging for his forgiveness for not being a better sister.I remember the smell of the hospital rooms,it's something that never leaves you.I will always remember that smell.I came to believe that you can physically feel your heart break.Gravity shifts and you feel your chest being crushed by an overwhelming weight.Time stops,maybe not for the rest of the world,but for you,time ceases and the world stops turning.You feel so heavy and you find it difficult to move,like you have sludge in your veins.Each loss affected me differently,but both were equally painful.I still have a hard time listening to certain songs and it is very difficult for me to watch a death scene in a movie or show.I can't watch the news anymore.But also with each loss,I gained a strenght I didn't know I had and an appreciation for life I would never had known otherwise.In the pain,I finally found a measure of healing.

LadyMoonStone LadyMoonStone
36-40, F
Jul 12, 2010