A Fat Girl's Thought On The Ugly

Hola,it's me yet again.You know I've been writing stories on how being fat can make people view me as ugly.Well,in truth,being fat is only a small part of my overall view of myself.Actually,I came to terms with the fact that the only time in my life I'll be thin is when I'm dead and have decomposed down to a skeleton.Being big I can deal with,it's the other flaws that make me feel a little less human.As a child I was told that I would grow out of my imperfections,my ugly duckling stage if you will,and into a graceful,lovely woman.Well,I'm the duck that never grew out of the ugly.For starters,because my mother had been very large,she didn't want me to have to deal with the same problems she did and because of that I was subjected to some pretty rough dieting(because of pressure that I put on myself and th cruelty of strangers and the people that were supposed to love me the most,I ended up with ulcers at 8 years old),all because I wanted to hear that I was pretty like my sisters.This was all before we found out that I had a rare thyroid disorder that lead to me having thyroid and lymphatic cancer when I was nineteen.When I was 11 years old,acne began to ravage my face,chest,shoulders and back.I tried everything I could afford to treat it,but I now have enlarged pores and scarring,pair that with facial hair and you have a self esteem problem from hell.I also have dark circles under my eyes that meake me look sick or tired all the time,scars from beatings I took (one with a hot curling iron,another savage beating on the school playground,not one beating did I take from my mother,in fact,she was very ill and was hospitalized a lot),scars from surgeries (one on my throat because of my cancer ordeal and two very large ones on my left ankle because I had to save my nephew from getting hit by a car and shattered my ankle in the process),varicose and spider veins on my legs because I walk to most of the places I need to go and because of my weight.Before anyone says that some of these problems can be easily solved,please keep in mind that I'm allergic to all cosmetics,most perfumes,most soaps and detergents,and I'm very fair skinned,although I love my skin color,it's like a rosy pink and it looks like I'm blushing all the time.Couple this with the fact that  even the people who love me can't lie to me.The kindest thing said to me is "Well,a lot of people are plain like you" and the most cruel,from my own father while I was being treated for cancer nonetheless,"You are the ugliest thing I've ever seen"(this coming from a man who looks like Yoda and a ill-tempered turtle got busy and had a baby).However,I'm not angry with men,in fact,I understand their attraction to beautiful women.I like to look at and talk to a cute guy once in a while,eventhough I can't compete with the girls that they are romantically intrested in.It doesn't keep me from wishing just once I could be.
LadyMoonStone LadyMoonStone
36-40, F
1 Response Jul 14, 2010

I understand how you feel hun but i keep saying to myself that one day someone will love me flaws and all !