Online Dating Is Destroying My Self Esteem

I am nearly 44 (but look at least 10 years younger, everyone always says that and I get carded at the store). I am about 5'4" and weight around 185... but I am lucky that my frame is very proportionate, and I have great legs and my hips are not noticeably "too big". The problem is my stomach which does stick out alot from the side view and is very difficult to camoflauge. I look fine from the front because I do have a defined waist. Also, the general concensus is that I have a very pretty face.

So aside from a few flings (short ones) I have been single for 8 years and unsurprisingly, I am in desperate need of some lovin'. I created profiles on two popular online sites, using photos from my 20s when I was slim and fit. Honestly my face is almost exactly the same even now. So, yeah, I lied a bit, but only about my figure.

I've been talking to a few guys for about three months and there is one I really, really, like. He and I have gotten very close through texting only... we have gotten sexual but more importantly, we have become friends. We are at the stage where we share what happened in our day to day lives, where we know each other well enought to tease each other about certain things, we know how to overcome misundertandings if we have a little tiff. If I text him he texts back immediately, always. If I seem down, he asks what is wrong. We have pet names for each other. I think it is safe to say we have a certain level of emotional attachment.

The problem is, he is very lean and very into the whole healthy lifestyle... and although we have not discussed it, I have a strong impression he is NOT into curvy girls, but thin ones. We are supposed to finally meet after more than 3 months this weekend.

Last night, I had a date with another guy and this is what happened:

It was an “investment banker” who looked tall, dark, handsome and suit-wearing in his profile. Turns out he was dumpy, with a paunch, wearing a tee shirt (and not even a trendy one). He bought me one drink, offered no food, and then left. He also texted me after and said that I had lied on MY profile by posting old pictures and that I have a “big belly” and that I am not curvy but in fact I am fat. OMG. And he was SO not cute at all... I NEVER would have done him.

Even though he was gross, it still hurt and I went home and listened to Christina Aguilera “Beautiful” over and over and cried for about half an hour.

The problem is, what about this guy I have become emotionally close to? I am supposed to meet him soon, I can't put him off much longer. I was supposed to be using these past months to lose weight, obviously I did not.

People say "love yourself, and if the guy is worth it, he will love you for who you are". First of all, I do love myself. I would not want to be anyone but exactly who I am. I just am not happy with my body right now. Also, weight DOES matter. It affects physical attraction, and people cannot help that. For example, even though I myself am a big girl, I am not attracted to big men.

How do I handle the situation with this guy I like so much? If the rude, mean, pig of a man I went out with last night thought I was fat, surely this guy will too. I don't want to lose him. I know if sounds silly but I am sure we have strong feelings for each other.
ImogenSnow ImogenSnow
5 Responses Jan 16, 2013

" Turns out he was dumpy, with a paunch, wearing a tee shirt "
I think he's probably thinking something similar when he saw you, "fat and old, nothing like in the picture."
Before you complain, it's good to look at yourself first. Don't lie. If you don't want to be fat and are not happy about it, lose the weight.
You are not attracted to big men? Well guess what? A lot of men aren't attracted to big women too, you have no rights to complain especially when you, yourself is big, and even lie about it. That makes you not only shallow, but also a hypocrite and a liar.

There's nothing wrong with being big (other than it's bad for your health, depending on how fat), but everything wrong with being a liar. Don't lie, then you might run into a sweet guy that's into big girl. Either that or lose the weight.

I think you should post a picture of how you actually look. Don't post old ones from 20 years ago. I think you would be pleasantly surprised to discover that there will still be nice guys interested in you.

Thank you ladies, and thank you Wismojo (I am assuming you are a man). The thing is, I am not big enough to fit the "Big & Beautiful" loving men, but am not slim enough for the other guys. Just in between enough to be unlovable, it seems. Sorry, just feeling so sad right now. Another thing is, I am not comfortable in my own skin. I would not want a man I liked touching my stomach, I would not feel comfortable naked. So yeah, unlovable, unless I change it but my life is so stressful it's really hard to lose weight.

Just listen to yourself right now is this a joke? Stop lying

Even thought it may hurt you could always tell him the truth before hand, less hurt than up front and personal hurt? But then if he's a nice guy maybe he won't hurt you up close, but will feel free to online...
I suggest being honest when you meet at least, good luck

well sweets first off you did lie about your looks so thats not a good way to start things. have you sent him more recent pics thru texting? have you dropped hints ur a bigger girl in the tummy? all i can say is if you want a relationship to work NEVER start with a lie. he may like you so much and could maybe get over the "fat belly" thing, but the fact you lied is more what id be pissed about. im sorry that douchebag of a man said you are fat. im fat and i love it. so thats where u and i differ but trust me there are plenty of fine *** men that arent fat that love a bigger girl and love that fat thing. you seem to be sincere in wanting this with him, and as long as uve been honest about everything else he will more than likely not even care. good luck sweety. hope it works out in your favor. . :)