Not A Father But A Single Mother

Just wish I knew what to do.  I am sure my son is missing out on some things not having a father.  Sometimes I google Father for Rent or Father for Hire to see if there is such a thing.  Sometimes I am mad at myself for letting this happen to me.  I love my son but I know he deserves a loving father.
B3lla01 B3lla01
46-50, F
38 Responses Jun 9, 2011

Hey I just seen your post I grew up without a father figure it is hard for single mothers but if you male friends just ask if they want to be a father like figure and look after your son every so often

pray for a Role model if youre not desiring a husband

Thanks, he is actualy doing better than I ever thought so I have come a long way since I first wrote this story.

I like this story....I too am single mother and have to be father figure all in one. My son is not missing out on anything. I take him fishing, skateboarding, hiking, camping, catch lizards.....that's the easy part. Its the having another companion to help with the laying down the law, as I do get pretty relaxed with that. And my son sometimes thinks he is the man/father of the house and tries to tell me what to do. Like when he has to go to bed at 9:00, he tries to tell me I need to go to. Or when I date a guy, he gets really possessive and doesn't want me to spend time with him. Now that is the really hard part . I've almost stopped bringing any guys around as its been too hard to date with kids.

Are there any relatives that could help you son model himself on? A father figure rather than a father. Perhaps a brother or brother-in-law that could include your son in activities? Just some thoughts.....

Thank you, I do spend a lot of weekends with my brother and my nephew. We also visit my parents and he spends time with his grandfather.

I'll tell you what Bella, there're a lot of fathers out there that are just not up to the job; and not for want want of trying I have to put myself in that category. Just do the best you can, he will see and appreciate the good job you are doing and grow up to be a well adjusted young man.

Thank you Nikki, I have grown a lot as a mother since I wrote this article, almost a year ago. I can say that I have accomplished a lot for myself and my son in that time and I am glad I have not deleted the post.

Speaking from experience, you just cant help feel that something is missing in your, life, that you will be left out on somethings, not having a father. But soon a child must grow up, and understand that the people who was around them growing up helps, but it does not define them.

Yes, that is what I watch. I am sure he feels he is missing out on something everytime his cousin yells Daddy - which is something he can't do. You make me feel better though - thanks

I grew up in a single parent household and I didn't miss anything, only having on parent because I ound parental FIGURES. just because a kid doesnt have a father in his lie doesn't mean he can't have a father FIGURE so all you have to worry about is making sure that the guy he sees as a father figure is a good guy. dont be so hard on yourself :)<br />
hope i helped

Thanks! you're smart and sweet :)

i try &amp; no prob

let me tell u, i dont have a father, i have around 11 years without talking with him, he doesnt look to me, but im proud of my mom, even knowing she is not the best i know she did the best to make me feel loved, im sure ur son feels so proud of u, maybe he doesnt have a dad but he has a wonderful mother, and im sure he feels good knowing u are his mom, be happy and give all the love u can to your son, never leave him, talk to him, u can be more than a father, u can be his angel♥

Ohh thank you sweet Miss Luna!! I would never ever leave him. Thanks for sharing this with me. It motivates me and reassures me.

Great responsibility for a single mother. And kid sure is in unbalance. But a loving mother with her love can readjust this fact. Sure You're a great suport for him. Sure Your family support him also.<br />
Courage, Miss Bella, votre mission n'est pas simple... :)

I like " Father to rent... ". :)

haha I don't know what I was thinking. It was a desperate moment - I feel much better now thanks to all of you!

My father died when I was five.<br />
It was hard.<br />
My experience was obviously different and I had a mother who then shut down emotionally so I then had no one to turn to. I really was left alone in my own fears.<br />
<br />
It sounds like you have good insight and a good awarness of things. Just knowing that is a HUGE plus to your son. He might not have a father, but he has a self aware intelligent mom, who loves him dearly.<br />
<br />
In the end, although it's different (not that different anymore) he'll be more than fine.<br />
I believe that.<br />
<br />
Because I am that.<br />
I certainly have my issues, but don't we all. :)

Of course this means a lot to me. I always do wonder and I love to hear your opinion on this. This thread has been very useful to me. I am a lot more optimistic about how my boy is developing right now and I feel stronger and I have come to realize that my boy also develops independent of what I teach him and show him - he also learns things on his own. If he can say the same thing you said in your post "I'm Smarter than I Look" when he is your age, I will feel very accomplished. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment!

Story sincere in thoughts. Thanks for the story.

Thank you for reading Zephyr :)

the hardest job of all, being a single mother, or father for that matter. often overlooked and under rated, and so many give up, but thank god for real parents, the ones that never give up... good luck to you..

I'll never give up!! Thanks :)

i can attest to you that being a single parent definetlyaint easy , you are correct about your son having a farther , but god will give you the strength to be both a mom and a dad my thoughts and prayers go out to you , you have my prayers always

Thank you! :)

I commend you for being a single parent , i can totally sympathize with you as i am one myself , i wish you and your son happiness and health .

Thanks so much! :)

coming from a single household, I know how you feel. Listen at least your son has you, I know kids that don't have either parents. Don't worry! things will get better.

Thanks, you're sweet.

well said :)

About being a single parent mom....Be his Mother 1st...You do not say where or what happened to the father but it does not matter.<br />
I read you profile about being Christian. The church should have some youth groups that you could encourage you son to participate in.<br />
Another male mentor could be an uncle of grandfather.<br />
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There is also the Boyscouts too.That organisation is probably the best...I had a blast in the scouts.<br />
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They teach genuine moral character skills.Several presidents were scouts by the way.<br />
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Good Luck..;-)

i grew up without my father cause he died when i was just 2 months old so i never knew him all i see is his picture and i was told i look so much like him everyday&everytime i come across someone that knew him before,so sometimes i feel sad for not been able to see these person i look that i look like so much.but my mother she is a super woman shes been my father and mother she did all her best to fill up that void of not having a father,although sometimes i just which he was alive when i get to hear my friends talk about there father anyway i accepted my faith and move am a man iand my prayer is for me to be there for my wife and my child when i have and my mother pull through and am sure you and your son can too.

wow thanks for telling me your feelings Daniel! I'm sad you lost your father so young. I know my son thinks about this stuff but he doesn't always voice it. I thought it was so wonderful when he told me he wants to get married when he grows up and be a Daddy. Yes, I can,with a little support from my friends - thanks.

The book "The Dangerous Book for Boys" by Conn Iggulden and Hal Iggulden has fun things <br />
like making paper airplanes and such. Also boyscouts might be a great way for him to have a positive male influence.<br />
<br />
All the best :)

Thanks! Books he absolutely loves so I welcome your suggestion. I am asking a friend about boy scouts too. Thanks so much!!

I know you wrote this a while ago B3, and I hope you found an answer to your dilemma, but, I was wondering about a remark you made in your story. You said," Sometimes I am mad at myself for letting this happen to me" I hope that you really only feel that "sometimes." That is an awful feeling to think that you could have prevented being a single Mother.What could you have done differently? I can't help but wonder. You were who you were. I would bet anything that you bear more responsibility than you have to. Even if you only do it sometimes, It made me sad to read that. All things point to you being a loving and dedicated Mom. Plenty of kids do have two parents but even so, many don't get the love that your son gets from you. So, cut it out. :><br />

Odd, I know what you mean. By no means would I ever turn the clock to change having my son. It is just guilt for being so dumb sometimes. I really wanted to have everything perfect for my son. And then again maybe it is.

is there a talent or skill that your son excells at? If so do you have him enrolled in classes to develop those strengths? If you do have him enrolled in classes, to develop his hobby, he might be getting some male-mentoring? Either way, I think hobby/class is a good idea because when your son becomes a teenager he will be looking for way to get respected by other males. Males gain respect in the eyes of the other males by doing something really well (athletics, music etc). Having a hobby also might make it less likely for him to need to impress other males by being a 'gangsta' or a druggie when he becomes a teen. <br />
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BTW I wish wish wish my mom would have booted out my father! My family wouldn't have been perfect, just less abusive. Your son might be better off without a dad.<br />
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PS Would 'Big Brothers and Big Sisters' be an organization you'd be interested in for your son?

Solia, thanks for asking all these questions. You're right. I am planning now to enroll him in Judo classes because he is very athletic but dislikes confrontation and he does play chess with me but I am trying to get him an instructor. also, I played piano and he seems to be good at it. I never sent him to classes but he already creates his own tunes so, I am now looking for piano lessons. I applied to Big Brothers Big Sisters and I'm waiting for a response.

I have been 'adopted' by the neighbor girl. she was 4 when she made her claim on me-She's 12 now... <3. It's funny to me how kids manage... if something really IS missing in their life, they'll find a way to get it. Thing is, if your son is not complaining that he wishes he had a dad, then you're probably doing a great job already. See? If you weren't he'd have already bonded with a male friend or neighbor of yours I think.

Oh that is adorable! How lucky is that for her?! My son does have an uncle, my brother, who spends a lot of time with him and has a son the same age so yes I do appreciate he has his uncle nearby! Thanks for posting Simply! You're awesome.

i raised a couple boys along with my son and daughter whenever sisterinlaw would leave with some dude we'd get the boys for a few weeks or months :)

Lucky those kids had you around!

Bella im sure your son understand how much of an amazing mother/ father he has hell be able to see when he is much older looking back how much you did for him and how he knew it waas for the best for both of you.

ty Teach!

Hi Bella. My two cents worth is aimed at your welfare rather than your son's. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that you want what is best for him, I really do, as you will see. Despite my profile, I am a biological father still living at home as a Dad, until my son has at least finished his second level education. And I know what it is to agonize over whether I am doing the best I can for him. I was full of good intentions, but my son's interests are worlds apart from mine, and many the time I shed a tear that I wasn't able to share in his world, and be a Dad that could advise him in his pursuits. More recently I've realized that in just being there to encourage and compliment his achievements is plenty. What I am trying to say (God I'm getting tied up in knots again!) What I'm trying to say is that you are doing so much for your son already and in his way he knows that. If you burden yourself with guilt because of what you perceive to be a missing element in his life, he will pick up on that.. Rejoice for him that he has such a wonderful mother as yourself. Meatloaf said two out of three ain't bad. In this case one out of two ain't bad. Lots of kids have two parents with no love whatsoever in the home. So your son is lucky. So don't beat yourself up over it. It's not good for you.

Thank you RoseViolet I understand what you are saying. Now that you mention it, I do think all the time how much I would have loved to have a mommy like me or what it would be like lol.

One of the most beautiful poems i know is IF by Rudyard Kipling--- <br />
i appreciate your plight and i agree with the idea of a Big Brother mentor , i try to mentor any young men i meet when i am offered the opportunity ,Boys scouts and such are great activities and for your son to be around a strong and patient man even a distant relative etc is helpful. i bet you will find a way to do this now because you see the problem :) Good Luck :)

Thanks for you comment. The poem is beautiful. It is going on the wall. =)

wawww ... i wish i have ready made baby ... i love kids as i belive they are a sweet angel in this life ... i just want to ask you to take care of your child ... and wish you and your baby all the best ... i am single with no kids who is looking for wife ... and wish you all the best again and again .....

Big Brother organization.

Yes, thanks - I already submitted a request.

Some good ideas here. Don't be too hasty in trying to find another man to be a father for him - better to wait for the right one than get the wrong one quickly.<br />
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The boy scouts is perhaps the best idea I have seen here - they instill good values in a boy and provide for good male company and male role models.

hee hee I have not dated in 10 years. I agree with you - I' rather wait for the right one. I will look into boy scouts - thanks

I, am sure u do a wonderful job as a Loving mother--any guy can be a father, but a mother is a special vocation, u may not think so now, but later im sure your son will tell u just how special u really are. remember u have nuturied that Baby to a child, Teen and Eventually a Man-- be proud ok

Thanks for the support!! :3

ty so much Deaunna. I am still new with the church so I am a little shy but I will definitely ask. That is a great suggestion! Thanks for the link too.

Good for you for recognizing the need to find great male influences for your son. Have you thought about or do you attend church? You can find so much spiritual, emotional support and friendshipping at church- for both of you. It is normal to hear my congregation call a "church family." Think about that. When you join a church you are immediately "adopted" into their church family. Dads, grandfathers, uncles galore! Let your bishop/pastor know of your needs and he'll find a way to fill those needs. Most churches have a youth program where wonderful male youth leaders would mentor your son. <br />
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Our church has a visiting program called 'Home Teaching" where 2 preisthood leaders visit our home each month. They follow my son's intrests and even came to his BB game. They are a wonderful support to our entire family. <br />
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I love all the other suggestions here, too. Boy scouts was a great one. Good luck!<br />
<br />
Deaunna Evans<br />

ty so much Hoping!! You are giving me courage. That's what I want, I want to see my son doing stuff like that and I suppose I can let him guide me through the mud puddles haha.

Yes you can! After all we don't need men to do that... we do clean up pretty well =)

great comments :) you don't have to be the best at everything but showing up and trying will getter done :)

Bella, I am also a single parent, I left my ex when he was a baby (newborn) at that. I often wondered some of the same questions you have. One of the positive things my son did was joined cub (boy) scouts. Always needing a parent to attend (yes that would be me), I ended up camping, learning how to cook on fires, etc... not only did we have a great time together, it was also great bonding for me with other parents. Now we have a blast camping, riding ATV's, etc together, he's 13 and amazes me all he knows. But, I do thank some positive male role models in his life. He's doing everything a boy should. Just join in... and you will both have a blast... ;) I know your a great Mother I can read and feel it!

many boys grow up with fathers that would be better off without, be the best mom you can and he will do just fine

Thanks Teutonic! I do try my best.

my daughter doesn't have a father because of death ..but we do have alot of males that love her like a daughter i think she will be ok

I'm sorry to hear that goodseemore! Thanks for sharing &lt;3

you certainly can.<br />
Men need to know how to maintain a home. Need to know how to love, how to treat others, how to play, how to sing, dance and explore their own interests.<br />
Oh and why can't you take him to ball games or go lizzard catching?

I will! =)

Why not? mine is three and we play street hockey in our back alley :) They wont ever know their missing out on anything if you just play with them.. I think I actually do more things then the "father" would have.. he never liked to get his shirt dirty or anybody touch his hair.. even his own son was not allowed to ride on his shoulders cause he would pull his hair :(... Bella your doing a great job and dont forget it... He is lucky to have a mother like you... :)

Oh ThreeMarys you're awesome! I can already see you playing street hockey lol.

Thank you Azaliea. I just wish I had a list of to-do things, like take him to ba<x>seball games, show him how to catch lizards, I don't know. Can I teach him how to grow up and become a man?

Being a single parent certainly isn't easy. We just have to take comfort in the fact that we are doing the best we can with what we have.<br />
Instill good morals and ethics, sprinkle in compassion, passion and direction. Be stern but love openly and freely. Always listen despite knowing they are wrong, trust easily but always be one step ahead of them. Laugh with them often and seldom cry. Give them guidelines with certain liberties and watch them grow.<br />
When it comes time to set them free, feel good knowing you did your darn best.