I Will Miss My Little GirlHi everyone,
I am a dad with his hands, arms, legs..... his whole body tied up. I have an 11 yr old girl who I love with all of my heart. Her mother and I separated last summer. So, it’s going on a year now. My little girl has gone through a rollercoaster ride since and me sitting right next to her on the ride.
Ok, this next bit of information is what’s figuratively has me tied up. There is nothing I can really do. I am not my little girl’s biological father. But, I’ve been with her and her mom since she was a toddler. She knows me as her dad, and to me she is my daughter. For all of these years I have provided for not just my daughter but for her mom as well. No matter how hard it got, I would find a way to alleviate the situation. And it got bad, financially, often. For a few years I worked a 7 day- 12 hour work week. Anyways, I digress.
(Sorry about the length of this next paragraph. I just started writing and I couldn’t stop myself. It actually felt good to write about it and let it out.)
Here is a little background on the break up. Her mom and I broke off because we were not happy anymore. I am going to be honest and state what her problem with me was. She has always wanted to get married and have more kids. After all of these years and no ring on the finger and no babies obviously put a strain on the relationship. She also wanted to move close to her mom in another state 2000 miles away. So, I don’t blame her, on her part, for wanting to end it. My reason for wanting to be finished with the relationship was that I didn’t trust her anymore. I, too, wanted more children and to get married. But, how can I get married and have children with someone I don’t trust. In truth, I had been feeling like this for a few years before the break up. But, because I wasn’t trusting in my feelings and completely sure of it, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. The morning before the break up I didn’t have to go with just a gut feeling. I had sure and solid proof that I could not trust her anymore. Five days before that, at night, she had told me she was going to go out and see a friend. A guy friend, mind you. Someone that I have had suspicions about before. She was going to drive about 35 miles away to see this “friend”. She was going with her sister though. But, that didn’t make me feel any better. So, we got in a big argument. I had told her that it was fine. But, if she did go, she would have to expect for it to be over between us. Surprisingly, she was upset and didn’t want this to come to that. But, on the other hand, she didn’t want to stop what she wanted to do because of an ultimatum. She kept stating that it’s not fair, that there is nothing going to happen with this guy, that they were just friends. We were back and forth like this for about an hour. And, because I didn’t exactly know that they wanted more than a friendship we resolved it and she went off to see him without the pressure of coming back to done relationship. I pretty much put her feelings over mine because I thought I was acting childish. Anyways, the next day came and she was in bed when I left for work in the morning. When I got back from work I had this strange vibe. I went into the room, where she was, and I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she wasn’t happy and that we should end it. Despite what had happened the night before, I was shocked. Again, we went back and forth for an hour on it. I asked her if it was because of the “friend” that she is doing this. She simply said, “No.” But, we said that we would give it some time and not jump the gun on this. Over the next few days things were ok. One day though, I had come from running an errand in the morning. She was still asleep because she had been online through the wee hours of the night. When I walked into the door, I headed to the living room to use the computer. After I moved the mouse the screen turned on. It was still on the last page that she visited online. This site was on how to heighten your sexual experience by exercising your female area. I first thought that she had thought it over about us and this was a step in the right direction. So, I was good. But, then that gut feeling that I usually ignore after having marinate in my head for a while came back. This time I decided to go with it. And I knew that if I did go with it that there was no going back. If I did what I was about to do, then it was over. I was looking into checking her phone messages. I was going with my gut 100% and took it while she was sleeping. I sat there and read message after message. There were a lot of them. I must have just read half of them. This exchange of messages was with this “friend” while she was up the night before. The content on these messages were all sexual. She wrote him if he like doing certain things and he would write what he’d like to do to her. This was repeated back and forth through the message. And they were talking of doing this that day. So, I put her phone back down and walked out of the house to think. I didn’t wake her up and tell her about it. Instead, I stayed quiet and thought about my next step. Later that day I picked up my daughter from school. This is in the afternoon and surprise, her mom is still asleep. I took my daughter to go eat. Then, instead of heading home; I went, along with my daughter, to go see my mom. We were there till the evening. I didn’t say anything to my mom or anyone about what I have discovered. Then, I texted her that we were going to be on our way in a few. She said,” Ok”. Then, I asked her if she was leaving pretty soon. She replied, “ Yea, I’m just finishing getting ready”. She was so busy with what she was doing that she didn’t even realize how the heck I knew that she was going out. My mom was hanging out with my mom. I stepped into another room and texted her,” I hope what you’re about to do is worth it”. She replied with confusion, “what r u talking about”. I wrote,” I know what you are going to do when you get there”. She answered,” We are just going to hang out at a bar”. I kept telling her that I knew what they were going to do, but she just kept denying it. I stopped writing her, went home, and put my little girl to bed knowing that that might be the last time I tucked her in. That night, while my daughter slept and her mom was out, I began to load as much of my stuff, in my truck, as possible. I was up late that night filling up my truck, which was in the garage to hide it from her when she returned. She got back at 4am. The next morning, while my daughter was in school and her mom asleep, I called in from work and took the things that I had loaded onto my truck to my mom’s storage. I even went back and loaded up my truck again. She was still sleeping. By then I had gotten most of my stuff out. She didn’t even notice any of my stuff gone. When night arrived we sat outside and I told her that I was moving out. She asked, “When?” I said, “Right now, tonight”. I had told her that a friend was going to let me stay at his place. To this day I still haven’t told her about what I had found out about her and the other guy. The only thing I needed to do before I left was to explain to my daughter why daddy was leaving. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. That night was the only time in her life that she saw her daddy cry. She asked why I was leaving, but I didn’t have an answer for her. I told her she would understand when she was older. That night I left that house and headed to my new home. That night I went to bed broken hearted, but only because of my little girl.
After the split day by day I was feeling better and happier. I could see my daughter when I wanted, and I saw her often. That made it a bit easier on her. A month after we had broken up, she wanted to speak with me. I have been avoiding her since. I would only talk to her if it had to do with my daughter. She would try to make conversation with me like we were still good with each other. But, in my experience with her, she was up to something. Well, I went up to see what she had to tell me. What she said turned my world upside down. She told me that she was moving 3000 miles away. I asked her why she was moving there, where she had no family or friends in. She said, “The living situation is better over there”. Then I asked with who she was moving with. She stayed silent. I asked again and again until she finally said, “None of your business”. I said,” of course it’s my business. I want to know who my daughter is going to be around”. She never answered me. But, I knew. She was moving because the guy that she screwed while she was with me was moving, so she wanted to go with him. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? They were moving in a month. There was nothing I could do and she knew that. After that, a hatred for her, so big, grew inside me. I have never before hated anyone. She did not consider my feelings or input on the matter. That was a big “F you” to me. It was like all of those years that I was there for my daughter meant nothing. As that day came closer and closer, the sadder my daughter was getting, as was I. We did a lot together in those last days. Then, on the last day that I had to spend with her before she left I went to go pick her up. My daughter walks up to me, gives me a big hug, and tells me that she could see me tomorrow and next week. I was so confused. My daughter said that she they were not leaving anymore. I asked why. My daughter said that her mom and the other guy weren’t together anymore. The other guy had left ahead of them. I later found out that after he left he never called my daughter’s mom back. Imagine that. So, my daughter and I were happy again. And how did her mom cope with the situation. She got with this guy that had been hanging around with her the past week or so. It figures. A couple of months later they broke up. I kind of know why too. But, it doesn’t matter. It just mattered that I had my girl. After that she wanted to talk to me again. She said that she was still thinking of moving with her mom but that she wasn’t going to do it because she doesn’t want to take our daughter away from her father. I said, “Ok, sounds good” but in the back of my head I still didn’t trust her. After that conversation she even asked if I wanted to get back together with her and told me that she missed me a lot. I can’t be a tyrant like her. I wish I could though, and didn’t say no. Even though, I was thinking HELL NO! After she realized that we weren’t getting back together we distanced each other.
A couple of weeks ago she told my daughter that they were moving to go be close with her mom. Throughout our relationship, every year, it did not fail, there would come a point where she would miss her mom. And just about every year I would find a way for her to fly her out there. But, once she is there for a few weeks she can’t stand being around her for much longer. But, months after she has come back from the trip, she is missing her again. She would also mention to me how bad they had it under her mom growing up. Her and her sisters. Anyways, she plans to leave this summer. And again, my hands are tied. I have been under a lot of stress and depression this past year because of this woman. I know that I can’t do anything. After talking to a few people that were very helpful, I decided to let go of the worry. I am no longer going to stress over something I can’t control. But, I do need to find a way to ease the blow when that day does come. I would appreciate any kind of advice to help me get through this. I would also welcome advice on how to be a father to my little girl from a far. I won’t be able to protect her from afar. I love her more than anything. Thanks
Daughtersboy 36-40, M 5 Responses 1 May 5, 2012