It's A Problem....not A Blessing

I detest having a high sex drive.

I have ALWAYS been the high desire partner in my relationships, and I don't want to be in this position anymore.

I never was promiscuous, but I have been in multiple monogamous relationships and I can't remember once when sex wasn't an issue except as a teenager. My last relationship, ironically, ended up being entirely sexless for years (he had issues outside me, that is a whole other story). I think part of the reason I was able to just stay in it for a long while was because I was fed up with the issue of sex in general. Don't get me wrong, I still wanted it. Felt tortured by it at times. But, I was just sick of it imposing on my life.

Eventually, I wasn't willing to live with such a lack of intimacy and the relationship had numerous other problems, so I left.

I have come a long way in dealing with this issue. And, I have a good sex life with my current partner, meaningful and connected. But, I hate that I am the one who has a stronger drive. And, it doesn't help that I am a submissive woman and I find it much more pleasurable to be pursued then pursue. I hate pursuit. It is a total turn off to me. Fortunately, my current guy does clearly have a reciprocal desire but it will never be as much. It is certainly workable, but I am just fed up with this being an issue at all. Not having it allowed me to shut it down somewhat, but it seems once it gets fired up, I have a hard time quelling it!

I don't think I am a sex addict. I think I just have a ridiculous sex drive, and it is not tempering with age, it just has escalated. I certainly have the ability to control it, so my guess is that it doesn't fall into the addiction spectrum. I never solicit random men or allow the drive to dictate decisions.

There is nothing great about it.

And, the reality is that guys may love the idea of a really highly sexed woman in theory, it doesn't work that way in practice. Male egos are very fragile around sex, and nothing is a turn off to a guy more then a woman who they feel they can't satisfy. I have never deliberately tried to make a man feel emasculated or less because his sex drive doesn't match mine. But, the simple fact that I am still in the mood or want it on a more frequent basis then he does is enough to cause trouble. No guy wants to think he can't satisfy his woman.

I have ZERO desire to sleep around. My emotional need for monogamy and stability make casual sex a truly poor choice for me. And, again, the guy I am with is a wonderful and thoughtful lover and I don't want to be intimate with anyone but him. It just is a life long drag to have the hormones of a 16 year old boy.

It isn't sexy. It isn't exciting. It's burdensome and distracting.

Nothing erotic about it.

rosedl rosedl
41-45, F
7 Responses Jul 12, 2012

I rarely write anything here on EP except sometime political but wanted to briefly comment on your post. You and some other 'sex addiction' posts have an amazing understanding and clarity regarding sexual addiction from my point of view. Having been a definite sex addict since the age of ten (but not realizing it until in my thirties-now some twenty five years ago), yes there is a huge difference between high sex drive (high libido) AND sexual addiction. Addiction does indeed dictate one's choices and decisions; has a definite loss of control factor with it; can consume all mind/brain activity until it temporarily subsides-until the next time. I find it a "physical" thing more than "psychological" although it is both of course. But when I 'self-pleasure' to completion three times within a few hours and still don't feel satisfied physically or emotionally it can be torturous. That applies as well to the rare times that I have sex with other people as well as myself. Usually in a very short time I'm back into feeling obsessed with getting that feeling again. If I don't or can't do anything about the obsession I become unable to sleep, anxious, totally distracted and miserable. I've gotten relief as the decades have gone on by practicing a healthy life-style regarding food and environment and certain 'therapy' things, mostly physically based.
Anyway I totally agree with you:
It isn't sexy. It isn't exciting. It's burdensome and distracting.
Yes. Anyone who has serious sexual addiction and knows it would never say it is comparable to very high libido only. It takes one over just as thoroughly as injecting heroin regularly. Very hard to change by will power. Impossible pretty much I'd say. Except for very short periods of time when purely survival takes over and one has to handle something just to say alive or viable. Then shortly , after survival is handled, all the intense compulsion returns with a vengence!
Peace to all with this problem. Man or Woman.

Addiction is not a fun experience. And, if it occurs around something that can be healthy and pleasurable (food, sex, exercise), it is easier to fool oneself that it is less toxic then drug/alcohol addictions.

But, addiction is just the mind being dictated to manage anxiety or physical need with the addictive process. It is out of control. It rules. It is a trap.

I have done work around this issue in the past year. It has tamped down a bit (I just went through a difficult breakup with a man I though I might have a future that has squashed my sex drive).

I realize my addictions go past sex into relationship addictions. Fear of being alone.

So, now I am alone and I am bit lost for the moment given that I built in my head my future with this other person. Structured my future around what we would do together, and fell into the same trap I always do.

I pick up my boyfriend's interests and drop them when they aren't around. I rely on others for structure, so when a relationship ends, my structure just dissolves. The connection and the want for the relationship to continue is the carrot, not my real desire to participate in any of these things.

I do have hobbies I have kept along the way, so it hasn't been a total loss. I am a photographer, and I enjoy getting out in nature. I do like to hike the woods. I like to cook and garden and dance. I love to pick and buy from estate sales and junk shops. But, right now, I just want to sleep the winter away.

Ever thought about offering this problem up to God?

Too bad about your breakup. I'm with you sometimes; sleep the winter away.
Especially if you have a good wood stove with tons of cut wood ready to go. And in a quiet peaceful place close to nature. Let it snow me in. Won't have the energy to even get out and go snowboarding; at least not more than thirty times or so during the season. (That's my male enjoyment side.) I also am turned off being pursuer; I also hate pursuit; a total turnoff. Although being the male gives it a bit of twist for me. Take right now for instance; I have the best set-up a male could want; beautiful place, close to nature, loving animals, people; no real worries, not any more than the rest of the world. But here I am getting the "call of the wild", as it were. I'm ready to dress up real pretty and head out to Joja, swingin' my hips in that tank top, mini skirt and heels-all dolled up; nice cute hair, made up to a tee; getting whistles; hot to trot; get stuffed! Stuff me every which way! ha Stuff it way in. Stuff it everywhere! (oow, raunchy). And just the idea of living as a female is a turn on. That's the submissive, **** (in my case) that is strong in a sexual state; the young lesbian. My **** addiction is as strong as ever but I can almost (almost) say that I'm getting bored with it; liar! I've seen every **** genre and scenario one could imagine and the last few years ***** has become amazing; especially the domination-submission real "enjoyment stuff" (that's what makes ***** for me; the real thing; not acted; enjoyed for real by all parties; that's hot! Anyway, I digress. I am interested in the significance of the pursuit and pursued; I find it interesting but can't quite pin point it; I know it's a big turn-on in the ***** for me; especially when I can be the sissy-**** tranny--as sexy as can be. Anyway back to the point if there is one. I'm in a sexless, intimacyless, loving of sorts, a lot of love really, between two people who have each rescued each other from a fatal storm way out in sea, from nearly zero odds, marriage. Gave each other the time and love to make it out into some blue skies sometimes. Beautiful life but without sex and intimacy it seems like something is missing. Life can get very--dull. Flat. Silly really. And yes relationships are a major thing in all this. I can understand fear of being alone and feeling the need for structure from another for example. Motivation for me. I wouldn't do a damn thing except probably jo all day and night if it wasn't for her creating a world. Also right regarding male sex egos; satisfying woman is number one; if he can't do it--that's tough. yeah. I'd say you and I would be a perfect match, except "the need to be pursued" by both of us, what would we do? We'd both be sitting on our respective couches in the living room fully clothed for maybe over fifty years? (To death do us part.) Would you ever put on that strap-on? And use it with abandon? Would I ever say, "You been making my **** hard all day and I'm about to throw you on the bed, rip off your clothes and tamp you down hard girl!" My fantasies want me to find someone like you in desire but who likes lesbian sissy **** trannies (rather than normal hetero guys who actually have a life.) She'd be so satisfied by my incessant kissing and licking, etc. that she'd be real satisfied always. Whether I'm in a push-up bra with stockings and a lace garter or But, naked. Sex. Sex. Sex. :)
I enjoyed reading your post and getting your 'timeline' and your views. Enjoy your writing. Very clear to me; entertaining.

I am sure there is a match out there for you somewhere. My sister has a couple's and sex therapy practice and from some of the anonymous stories I have heard, I know there are people who practice that lifestyle with abandon. Tough to find straight females who desire a man as a woman or lesbian females who want to be with a man as woman. So, it must be quite the dilemma.

My problem is a bit the opposite. I can easily find men who would sleep with me. In fact, I have come to discover that there is a new cougar rage going through the ranks of young men, and I have been surprised at the propositions by the men in their twenties.

But, I do not like casual sex. So while there is a ready supply of willing participants, I won't have sex unless it is in a meaningful relationship.


As I said, right now my sex drive is running low and that suits me very well. I am dreading Spring when it will wake up, but until that time.....I am going to continue to just rest and recover.

Good luck!

I must have been pretty horny yesterday by the looks of that post; and I'm probably not much less so now:)
But truly my dilemma is how to either get the woman I've been living with and committed to with everything for a long time back on the same sexual & intimacy level I need OR I need to make a break, no matter how painful OR I don't have to do anything. Just keep the status-quo. But that doesn't seem doable for too much longer. I'm too damn frustrated with all this, But hasn't been sex for many many moons; we mostly sleep in separate bedrooms in different wings of the house. We work and live together; mostly just me and her and some creature friends. I showed up on her doorstep one night dressed-up to the hilt! About as close to passable as I've ever come--back in those days when I pretty damn cute in a leggy model way; curvy and smooth as silk. Toyed with that lifestyle basically twice and gave it up both times for 'straight-laced' married style. Unfortunately, my real desire with that lifestyle is only only around sex. Otherwise I could basically care less; minus the sexual component (which also unfortunately seems to be a tremendous part of where I direct my attentions) I am pretty content with being a 'guy', I think. But here I am in the second marriage of my two. And it has gone to one of only very sporadic intimacy and understanding; but the lack of emotional & physical intimacy is something I'm missing and I seem to be acutely aware of its lack. I think that's why I'm needing to jo all the time practically. Everything else is somewhat lackluster and maybe a chore or something. They say it's natural to desire & need? sex? At this point I don't even know:) On the one hand I wish it would go away; but on the other I feel strong and healthy and I'm not doing much of any other exercise right now, if ya know what I mean?
I think I'm craving it. She also can not be a pursuer. She needs to be pursued most definitely. I always used to do it or at least try to, but alas it has dwindled down to me not being able to say anything or suggest anything about having sex. And she apparently can't either. We greatly differ in what I've interestedly read on here: our libidos. Hers very minor; she does not get that high from the experience; she will O but feels out of sorts almost immediately afterwards; cited a ton of physical reasons but no effort to do anything about it. I don't need to go on. And I Don't blame her. I picked her as someone who would keep a lid on my insatiable appetite. It was good for survival. We have saved each others' lives several times over at least. She's opened my eyes, heart; given me time to mend. "A drunkard's dream if I ever did see one".
So here I am, hopefully not another night with the 'lube' & 'tube' :) If I could only get interested in something enough to over power the sexual energy or equal it at least, then I could go do that. I have so many opportunites and things that I am potentially interested in doing that I could do at night or whenever. But they don't seem to equal the pull of energy and sweet relief that the other does.
I probably just need some good plain old fashion hetero sex; the kind I used to do when a young man, but has now gone so by the wayside. Plus there is the sticky (sorry for the unintentional pun--there's no way I can erase this now) situation of how bi am I? Exactly? I think it's pretty much down to the thing between the legs; that doesn't leave a lot for a deep and deepening relationship. Does it? I really don't know how badly I'd be jonesing for heels and a couple of hard, throbbing, slightly dripping .........
If I were to "make love" as it were with a woman I don't have a clue.
Guess it depends somewhat on who. I can see your feelings about not being into casual sex. Meaningful relationship is what underpins it. Otherwise it doesn't have much meaning and quickly becomes dull & boring. I feel that. To have both a hot sex life & meaningful satisfying relationship with your partner would be the ultimate high!
I think so. Anyway, interesting you mention about spring time. I go "bananas crazy" sexually as spring approaches and by early summer I'm a maniac; all dressed up and nowhere to go :) (At least in my fantasies:) But definitely notice it coming on strong for me then. (Of course there is summer winter and fall as well.)

2 More Responses

I know some will smirk, wink or laugh at the thought of a woman having a sex drive that is "too high", but i know from my friends experience that when this reality is combined with a person who has low moral standards, the results can be disastrous. My friend met this really cute, petite Italian-American girl, and within months they were married. He confided to me shorty after they were married that he was in heaven - that she loved sex and would have it all day, every day - he was getting all he had ever wanted, including every nasty fantasy he had ever had.

Two years later they were divorced. I asked him what the hell happened, and he said that she not only wanted sex a minimum of several times per day, she demanded it. He was screwing her before leaving for work, coming home at lunch for "fat-burner-50" (his term), between the sheets within 15 minutes of getting home, and of course off to bed early to have some "real" sex... better be an hour minimum, before sleeping. He said that he thought it was awesome for a couple months, but found he not only didn't have the stamina, but was getting turned off by the stressful demands.

Even when she was pregnant - same thing; he slowed down, she kept going - just not with him. She started keeping boyfriends on the side. Marriage done.

I can totally appreciate your situation, and definitely appreciate the attitudes and values you bring to the table to keep this situation under control. bless you!.


I think i met my soulmate :).

First let me say that I feel what you are writing is accurate to my situation as well. I can stay inactive. The mismatch of desire is difficult. Insatiable women are not attractive in this culture. I submerge my desire in art. That helps as does aging!! Good luck to you and your man!

Thank you. I also find outlets in art.

It is funny, but I wrote this post during ovulation. And, I realized that is the really the only time it becomes so ridiculously pronounced. The rest of the time, I am pretty well matched desire-wise with my partner. I wouldn't trade our love life for anything. I have just found, as a whole, it is no great shakes to be a high desire woman. The fantasy doesn't match the reality for men, at least that has been my experience.

I understand how you feel. Being the male part of the issue. We have lots of sex, it's just that my drive is greater than hers. I am considerate when I know sex is not possible. However after a few days, I get crabby. I hate that about myself.<br />
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If it's my wife who wants sex and I am not in the mood, too tired, or it has been too long since we made love. I'll use toys to help her and me ( I love to make her ******).<br />
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If only every time each of us wants to make love the other person wants it too. I have to add and it's possible (time and location)<br />
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I agree with the last share. Speak with your partner about it. Good luck

We do talk openly. And, he is more then empathetic and loving, he honors my sexuality and gives all he woman could ask for more. But, in return I must respect his needs and drive and I am more then happy to do so. Given my hyperactive drive, I will be frustrated from time to time just by the nature of the beast. As he is completely reasonable in frequency (i

.e a lot), I am going to respect the situation. (comment continued, see prior post).

From prior experience, I know pushing for more is a turnoff and counterproductive and not at all loving to him, as he is completely being fair, giving, and loving. And, he has many draws on his energy and I totally respect he needs to feed himself in these other ways. It is what makes him so damn hot to begin with....I do have the best man in the entire world, bar none!

My guy is a wonderful, passionate, considerate lover. Don't get me wrong, the situation I am in is very workable. He does initiate, and he clearly loves our intimacy. <br />
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My rant was more about the long term frustration of having this hyperactive sex drive. Also a summary of what the reality is rather then the fantasy, and my overall experience, not just my current which is overall, highly satisfactory. I love my partner with my whole heart and you can't beat that....I just wish it would tamp down a couple notches. I don't want a constant drive, I really just want healthy intimacy in a nice balance. I am lucky to have the situation I am in!

I am so sorry for your burden.<br />
Many guys here probably wish their wife had your problem.<br />
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I do understand what you are saying. I, too, find the pleasure in being pursued, not doing the pursuing. But it takes someone with a high sex drive to keep up and want to pursue it as often as you want him to.<br />
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And I agree, while there are some exceptions, for the most guys want a woman that loves to have sex all the time but should they land one, they will realize that the woman is insatiable and it will start to wear on some men.<br />
It may be more accurate to say that we all want someone who wants to have sex as much as we do - no more, no less.<br />
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Have you talked to your current guy about this? What does he say?